There Are Always Little Red Flags

What's so interesting and convenient about writing about the progression of a relationship is the ability to go back and read about it later.  Obviously I have been spending the last few days obsessing over Parker so I went back and read some of my old posts about the beginning of our so-called relationship.

It's easy to idealize something once it's gone, particularly when it is taken away from you by no choice of your own. I must admit I have been guilty of that over the past few days - I keep thinking, F*ck, I really screwed the pooch on this one. He was paper-perfect and made sure I got home safely every night, etc. etc. - and I keep blaming myself (as we women tend to do) for what happened. But the fact is, I stood up for myself because I wasn't getting what I needed from him and I was mad. And if he cared about me, he would have cared to work it out and make sure I was happy and secure, he wouldn't have just been looking at the relationship from his perspective. So clearly he also played a part in the relationship's demise as well.

While I kept thinking that the weirdness between us and the fact that he was keeping me at arm's length started when he got back from his trip - when I read back over what I had wrote, I realized it started almost from the very beginning. Remember how I thought he was acting weird right after the first time we fooled around? And remember how I was suspicious of him not inviting me to his birthday party? I talked myself out of all of those feelings because he SAID all the right things. I rationalized away the warning signs I was feeling because I liked him, and gave him the benefit of the doubt because the communication was constant. And for a while, that felt like enough - and I know for him it continued to  be enough. But actions betray true intentions. And as my mom said, you can text from the bathroom.

I know that I have the tendency to want to jump into things very quickly. (That's not a good thing - I need to figure out how to pump my own breaks before I scare away everyone). It's because I idealize the notion of love. But I also do think that in order to move forward, two people need to spend quality time together. I will forever think it is weird that he continued to prioritize time with his friends over time with me. Despite the fact that we had only been dating for 2 months.

I've more than acknowledged my mistakes on this one and every day gets a little better and I forgive myself a little more. Breakups are their own journey; you discover new things about yourself, learn, grown and try to do better (and find someone better) next time.

Plus, I already have a date tonight! He seems really cute... we all know how that goes... oy.

Full (Dis)Closure

I broke down and sent a text (um, some texts) to Parker last night... I just felt that as I kept talking to people they kept telling me that he would probably realize he over reacted and call me and I just wasn't sure they we're right and the anxious feeling in my stomach of not knowing and feeling like it was over-but--maybe-not-over was a bit too much.

This what I wrote:

I keep going back over things in my head and I’m at a bit of a loss for how things unraveled so quickly given how much we seem to like each other and all the things we have in common. I’m really sad and I’ve been beating myself up for how things went down. I’d still like to think this is fixable and that it’s worth fixing; I hope you do too – Not so long ago a pretty smart man told me these things take work and talking.

This was what he wrote back:

Hey. Thanks for reaching out. You are a great person and I did really like you. It hasn't been fun for me either since Friday but I do feel it was the right decision. I'm sorry.

I actually feel a bit better and stronger knowing that I am not waiting for a phone call that is never going to come. I do still think it is a little strange that through all his claims of feelings for me (the very ones I doubted that eventually caused this debacle) he was so willing to give me up that easily. Perhaps ultimately I may not have gotten the whole story - that, I think may have been the Elephant in the room the whole time - it wasn't about time or Fridays or Saturdays, that's why his effort wasn't enough for me. He was shutting me out, from something.

I wrote him back one more text - I didn't expect him to respond and he didn't:

I'm sorry too. You know, you told me once that you sometimes let your emotions get the best of you, both the good ones and the bad ones, so you just push people away. Maybe with some time you'll realize the last thing I wanted was to ruin what we had. I made a mistake, I know I pressured you and I shouldn't have, and I feel awful about it. If you like me as much as you say you did, hopefully you'll figure out how to forgive me and maybe we can try this again one day.

I know... I laid it on a bit thick. Because I don't think I was entirely in the wrong - just my methods - but I do think it just might be bad timing and he needed an out, for now, and some time to figure himself out until he can give me (or someone) what I (or they) need. Maybe we just need a break to reset. Or maybe we're just actually done. As Justin Bobby from The Hills says, "Truth and time tells all."

At least he didn't respond with an "I don't think so," or "Please don't contact me anymore." Ha.

So...back to the dating bender.  On the upside, since Parker and I started dating, Tinder became all the rage, and truth be told I was kinda dying to give it a whirl. ;-)

Not the Way I Planned It

This is a post I was hoping I would never have to write, in fact, I started writing this post two days ago but couldn't bring myself to finish it until this morning - today would have been our 2 monthiversary. At approximately 4:36pm Pacific time on Friday, August 16th, Parker said he was done and walked away.

The only reason I know the exact time is because I called my mom almost immediately and cried.

I'm honestly really surprised that my attempts at wanting to spend more time with him resulted in him wanting to stop seeing me altogether, I mean, I'm not surprised that happens, I'm just surprised it happened with him. How do you give up so easily on something you have invested so much into? It's heartbreaking.

Here's the whole story...

On Wednesday, even though I knew he had plans in the evening, I suggested that I come over after work and wait out traffic with him until he had to leave for his game - I suggested that maybe we could have an early dinner.

He said that he had to leave early for his game so he wouldn't have time for dinner, but if I could come over around 5:00 we could spend about an hour and half together. It wasn't ideal, and in looking back I should have said no, but I went over anyway because I knew that if I didn't take advantage of the time I wouldn't see him until Sunday. Pathetic, I know.

So I went over to his house to take the measely hour and a half of a bone he was throwing me, (figuratively and literally because we had a quickie) and then he left to do what he was going to do for the night. What I didn't communicate is that while he thought he was "doing better" by making more time for me - I left feeling cheap and pathetic for being willing to settle for someone who can only squeee me into his schedule for sex in between the things he really wants to do and the people he really wants to spend his time with.

The next night we were texting back and forth (as per usual) about what we were doing that evening. I was already slightly annoyed because I had invited him to come with me to a film screening and out for drinks at the W Hotel afterwards but he wanted to go to the Santa Monica Pier music series (more that he wanted to spend time with me) since he hadn't been to one since he had gotten home from his trip. So asked him what he was doing the next night - Friday - and held my breath.  He said he was having dinner at his friend Matt's house again. That it was their monthly "family dinner" but this one was in honor of Matt's mom who had recently passed away even though that had been the excuse he had been using all the previous week too.

Now, before you go thinking I am some spoiled brat who doesn't realize that, yes, this is a legitimate excuse for him not being able to see me - I feel terrible that his friend's mother passed away. Terrible. And I definitely understand why it might not have been a good time for me to come around last weekend when he first got back into town - (and also might I remind you of that whole lying debacle where Parker didn't even GO to dinner one of the nights, but I digress...) but their monthly family dinner? Were they really going to sit around and talk about his mom the whole time? I am not an inappropriate person, I know how to behave in group situations...I wanted to be included, I wanted to be let in. I don't think that was too much to be asking. We were supposed to be in an exclusive relationship - that's what people in a relationship DO - spend time together; integrate each other into their lives. So I was getting increasingly frustrated.

What ended up happening is I sent a text - a text that I now very much regret - that said this:

Parker, I'm not interested in having a text relationship. I want to spend time with the person I am dating.

I was really just hoping to elicit a reaction from him because I have obviously (to you, to me, to my family and friends) been feeling so frustrated and confused. And I have NEVER, I repeat, NEVER, engaged in, let alone started a text message fight. Now I know why. What unfolded was a series of argumentative texts that ended with me wanting to talk and him wanting to go to bed and talk the next day. I hate going to bed mad, but I figured I would let him sleep on it and we'd kiss and make up.

He said he would call me the next day after he was done with work, but I suggested he come by my office and we take a walk - because I wanted to kiss and make up in person! Haha. :-( Yeah, so basically that means he was prepared to break it off with me over the phone too. The jerk evidence keeps on piling up.

When he got to my office we walked across the street and sat at some tables outside of a Starbuck's - he said he wanted to start and basically proceeded to tell me that he was done. I asked him if I should even bother telling him what I thought. He said he did but he was so angry sitting there I doubt he heard a word I said and in the end it didn't make one bit of difference because he still didn't want to keep dating me, and I was still in heartbroken shock.

What he said it basically boiled down to was that I had brought up the issue only four days prior - he thought he had been doing better making an effort and now that he realized he hadn't he doesn't think that ANYTHING he did would ever satisfy me. (As if inviting me for a last-minute lunch and and afterthought movie invite is real effort). I tried to explain that the reason it was coming up again was because I didn't feel like I really ended up saying what I needed to say before and now that things were on the table we could continue to talk about it. What I should have said was that I needed to be MORE explicit about the kind of effort I wanted i.e. We are in an exclusive relationship I expect that you will spend either Friday or Saturday night with me every weekend. Period. It doesn't have to be just us, but we should be together. F*ck. I never should have let him try to figure it out on his own.

So now I am beating myself up for pushing him to get "more serious" and spend "more time with me" so soon like every crazy, relationship mistake-making girl in the world and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Even though everyone tells me I was right for wanting what I wanted and asking for it - and if he really liked me he would have given it to me instead of using it as an excuse for bolting, it doesn't make me feel any better.

The only thing I can do now if pick myself up and move on.

(PS - Sorry for some of the errors and weird grammar, I'll review and edit at a later date, I just can't go back over it right now - in more ways than one).