For those who don't know, there is a well known psychological theory (or is it proven?...I'm not sure, I think all things psychological are probably always theories, right?) published by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross about the 5 Stages of Grief one goes through when confronting the idea of your own mortality (i.e. if you've just recieved a terminal diagnosis). It goes a little something like this:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Well, this got me thinking about how I deal with breakups and that they are their own form of loss - obviously not as serious as facing death (obviously.)- but depending on the depth and breadth of a particular relationship, (and in our own dramatic fairy-tale land) it can certainly feel that way sometimes...
BUT - when coping with a breakup, I think the order is somewhat different, at least it is for me -I think it goes a little something like this:
1. Denial - this is when you usually think that it's not really over. That he was acting or reacting irrationally and that he will call or text or swing by and tell you how sorry he is... you might might even call or send your own text (or, ahem, texts) trying to get him to talk things over again - like you are still in a relationship, even though you're not.
2. Depression - when said phone call, text, random drop-by never happens (or your own attempts are rejected) - this is when the crying usually starts. (An important note: This stage is not defined by tears because crying is not exclusive to this stage of the process - depending on the relationship and the kind of person you are, I submit that crying may be present in Stages 1, 2 and 3) This is likely when you blame yourself for being terrible at relationships, think of everything you did wrong, don't want to be social, watch The Notebook and/or listen Ani DiFranco - and depending on the kind of person you are, you either gain some weight by eating a bunch of junk food or lose weight by sleeping a lot and not eating much at all. (Thank goodness I am the latter). The sad truth is, this stage can last a long time if you let it...I sunk in for about a month (if not longer) with my ex. Don't let it.
3. Anger (or as I like to call it: The Lightbulb Stage) - after you have gone over every conversation in your head and reviewed most of the text messages on your phone (come on, be honest, that's why we all save them...) you soon realize that - (lightbulb!) he was a jerk, "just not that into you", it was all is fault, you should have seen it sooner, you're way too good for him, or whatever other epiphany you have, after having gone over and over things a million times and examined them from every angle, that snaps you out of the depression stage. This is also likely when you'll defriend, unfollow, block, delete numbers, photos, emails, and any other records of your relationship that remind you of being happy together and/or make it easy for you to see him find happiness with someone else.
4. Bargaining - some people never go here (if you are one of those people, PLEASE tell me your secret), and I used to not (in my younger days), but now I always seem to... this is when you try to get back together. It's quite possible you will send an embarassing email or try to bump into him in places you think he'll be, or as I did with my ex a few years ago just casually put feelers out for "catch up" session. Best case scenario, this will work temporarily. But it will almost certainly end again and when that happens you'll just end up back at Stage 1. (In my experience - unless the "Breaker" decides they want to get back with the "Breakee" it is not a scenario that will workout long-term. Feel free to try and prove me wrong, and good luck to you, in all sincerity).
5. Acceptance - the way I have recently learned to channel the failure of my bargaining attempts, is to catapult me into acceptance. There is only so much you can put yourself through, right? How many times can you tell someone how you feel, put yourself out there, try to work it out, and keep getting told that's not enough - by the same person? Eventually you start to realize you deserve someone who appreciates you, everything you have to offer and wants to give you that in return. And suddenly everything starts to be okay.
Showing posts with label breakup. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breakup. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
There Are Always Little Red Flags
What's so interesting and convenient about writing about the progression of a relationship is the ability to go back and read about it later. Obviously I have been spending the last few days obsessing over Parker so I went back and read some of my old posts about the beginning of our so-called relationship.
It's easy to idealize something once it's gone, particularly when it is taken away from you by no choice of your own. I must admit I have been guilty of that over the past few days - I keep thinking, F*ck, I really screwed the pooch on this one. He was paper-perfect and made sure I got home safely every night, etc. etc. - and I keep blaming myself (as we women tend to do) for what happened. But the fact is, I stood up for myself because I wasn't getting what I needed from him and I was mad. And if he cared about me, he would have cared to work it out and make sure I was happy and secure, he wouldn't have just been looking at the relationship from his perspective. So clearly he also played a part in the relationship's demise as well.
While I kept thinking that the weirdness between us and the fact that he was keeping me at arm's length started when he got back from his trip - when I read back over what I had wrote, I realized it started almost from the very beginning. Remember how I thought he was acting weird right after the first time we fooled around? And remember how I was suspicious of him not inviting me to his birthday party? I talked myself out of all of those feelings because he SAID all the right things. I rationalized away the warning signs I was feeling because I liked him, and gave him the benefit of the doubt because the communication was constant. And for a while, that felt like enough - and I know for him it continued to be enough. But actions betray true intentions. And as my mom said, you can text from the bathroom.
I know that I have the tendency to want to jump into things very quickly. (That's not a good thing - I need to figure out how to pump my own breaks before I scare away everyone). It's because I idealize the notion of love. But I also do think that in order to move forward, two people need to spend quality time together. I will forever think it is weird that he continued to prioritize time with his friends over time with me. Despite the fact that we had only been dating for 2 months.
I've more than acknowledged my mistakes on this one and every day gets a little better and I forgive myself a little more. Breakups are their own journey; you discover new things about yourself, learn, grown and try to do better (and find someone better) next time.
Plus, I already have a date tonight! He seems really cute... we all know how that goes... oy.
It's easy to idealize something once it's gone, particularly when it is taken away from you by no choice of your own. I must admit I have been guilty of that over the past few days - I keep thinking, F*ck, I really screwed the pooch on this one. He was paper-perfect and made sure I got home safely every night, etc. etc. - and I keep blaming myself (as we women tend to do) for what happened. But the fact is, I stood up for myself because I wasn't getting what I needed from him and I was mad. And if he cared about me, he would have cared to work it out and make sure I was happy and secure, he wouldn't have just been looking at the relationship from his perspective. So clearly he also played a part in the relationship's demise as well.
While I kept thinking that the weirdness between us and the fact that he was keeping me at arm's length started when he got back from his trip - when I read back over what I had wrote, I realized it started almost from the very beginning. Remember how I thought he was acting weird right after the first time we fooled around? And remember how I was suspicious of him not inviting me to his birthday party? I talked myself out of all of those feelings because he SAID all the right things. I rationalized away the warning signs I was feeling because I liked him, and gave him the benefit of the doubt because the communication was constant. And for a while, that felt like enough - and I know for him it continued to be enough. But actions betray true intentions. And as my mom said, you can text from the bathroom.
I know that I have the tendency to want to jump into things very quickly. (That's not a good thing - I need to figure out how to pump my own breaks before I scare away everyone). It's because I idealize the notion of love. But I also do think that in order to move forward, two people need to spend quality time together. I will forever think it is weird that he continued to prioritize time with his friends over time with me. Despite the fact that we had only been dating for 2 months.
I've more than acknowledged my mistakes on this one and every day gets a little better and I forgive myself a little more. Breakups are their own journey; you discover new things about yourself, learn, grown and try to do better (and find someone better) next time.
Plus, I already have a date tonight! He seems really cute... we all know how that goes... oy.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Full (Dis)Closure
I broke down and sent a text (um, some texts) to Parker last night... I just felt that as I kept talking to people they kept telling me that he would probably realize he over reacted and call me and I just wasn't sure they we're right and the anxious feeling in my stomach of not knowing and feeling like it was over-but--maybe-not-over was a bit too much.
This what I wrote:
I wrote him back one more text - I didn't expect him to respond and he didn't:
At least he didn't respond with an "I don't think so," or "Please don't contact me anymore." Ha.
So...back to the dating bender. On the upside, since Parker and I started dating, Tinder became all the rage, and truth be told I was kinda dying to give it a whirl. ;-)
This what I wrote:
I keep going back over things in my head and I’m at a bit of a loss for how things unraveled so quickly given how much we seem to like each other and all the things we have in common. I’m really sad and I’ve been beating myself up for how things went down. I’d still like to think this is fixable and that it’s worth fixing; I hope you do too – Not so long ago a pretty smart man told me these things take work and talking.This was what he wrote back:
Hey. Thanks for reaching out. You are a great person and I did really like you. It hasn't been fun for me either since Friday but I do feel it was the right decision. I'm sorry.I actually feel a bit better and stronger knowing that I am not waiting for a phone call that is never going to come. I do still think it is a little strange that through all his claims of feelings for me (the very ones I doubted that eventually caused this debacle) he was so willing to give me up that easily. Perhaps ultimately I may not have gotten the whole story - that, I think may have been the Elephant in the room the whole time - it wasn't about time or Fridays or Saturdays, that's why his effort wasn't enough for me. He was shutting me out, from something.
I wrote him back one more text - I didn't expect him to respond and he didn't:
I'm sorry too. You know, you told me once that you sometimes let your emotions get the best of you, both the good ones and the bad ones, so you just push people away. Maybe with some time you'll realize the last thing I wanted was to ruin what we had. I made a mistake, I know I pressured you and I shouldn't have, and I feel awful about it. If you like me as much as you say you did, hopefully you'll figure out how to forgive me and maybe we can try this again one day.I know... I laid it on a bit thick. Because I don't think I was entirely in the wrong - just my methods - but I do think it just might be bad timing and he needed an out, for now, and some time to figure himself out until he can give me (or someone) what I (or they) need. Maybe we just need a break to reset. Or maybe we're just actually done. As Justin Bobby from The Hills says, "Truth and time tells all."
At least he didn't respond with an "I don't think so," or "Please don't contact me anymore." Ha.
So...back to the dating bender. On the upside, since Parker and I started dating, Tinder became all the rage, and truth be told I was kinda dying to give it a whirl. ;-)
Monday, August 19, 2013
Not the Way I Planned It
This is a post I was hoping I would never have to write, in fact, I started writing this post two days ago but couldn't bring myself to finish it until this morning - today would have been our 2 monthiversary. At approximately 4:36pm Pacific time on Friday, August 16th, Parker said he was done and walked away.
The only reason I know the exact time is because I called my mom almost immediately and cried.
I'm honestly really surprised that my attempts at wanting to spend more time with him resulted in him wanting to stop seeing me altogether, I mean, I'm not surprised that happens, I'm just surprised it happened with him. How do you give up so easily on something you have invested so much into? It's heartbreaking.
Here's the whole story...
On Wednesday, even though I knew he had plans in the evening, I suggested that I come over after work and wait out traffic with him until he had to leave for his game - I suggested that maybe we could have an early dinner.
He said that he had to leave early for his game so he wouldn't have time for dinner, but if I could come over around 5:00 we could spend about an hour and half together. It wasn't ideal, and in looking back I should have said no, but I went over anyway because I knew that if I didn't take advantage of the time I wouldn't see him until Sunday. Pathetic, I know.
So I went over to his house to take the measely hour and a half of a bone he was throwing me, (figuratively and literally because we had a quickie) and then he left to do what he was going to do for the night. What I didn't communicate is that while he thought he was "doing better" by making more time for me - I left feeling cheap and pathetic for being willing to settle for someone who can only squeee me into his schedule for sex in between the things he really wants to do and the people he really wants to spend his time with.
The next night we were texting back and forth (as per usual) about what we were doing that evening. I was already slightly annoyed because I had invited him to come with me to a film screening and out for drinks at the W Hotel afterwards but he wanted to go to the Santa Monica Pier music series (more that he wanted to spend time with me) since he hadn't been to one since he had gotten home from his trip. So asked him what he was doing the next night - Friday - and held my breath. He said he was having dinner at his friend Matt's house again. That it was their monthly "family dinner" but this one was in honor of Matt's mom who had recently passed away even though that had been the excuse he had been using all the previous week too.
Now, before you go thinking I am some spoiled brat who doesn't realize that, yes, this is a legitimate excuse for him not being able to see me - I feel terrible that his friend's mother passed away. Terrible. And I definitely understand why it might not have been a good time for me to come around last weekend when he first got back into town - (and also might I remind you of that whole lying debacle where Parker didn't even GO to dinner one of the nights, but I digress...) but their monthly family dinner? Were they really going to sit around and talk about his mom the whole time? I am not an inappropriate person, I know how to behave in group situations...I wanted to be included, I wanted to be let in. I don't think that was too much to be asking. We were supposed to be in an exclusive relationship - that's what people in a relationship DO - spend time together; integrate each other into their lives. So I was getting increasingly frustrated.
What ended up happening is I sent a text - a text that I now very much regret - that said this:
He said he would call me the next day after he was done with work, but I suggested he come by my office and we take a walk - because I wanted to kiss and make up in person! Haha. :-( Yeah, so basically that means he was prepared to break it off with me over the phone too. The jerk evidence keeps on piling up.
When he got to my office we walked across the street and sat at some tables outside of a Starbuck's - he said he wanted to start and basically proceeded to tell me that he was done. I asked him if I should even bother telling him what I thought. He said he did but he was so angry sitting there I doubt he heard a word I said and in the end it didn't make one bit of difference because he still didn't want to keep dating me, and I was still in heartbroken shock.
What he said it basically boiled down to was that I had brought up the issue only four days prior - he thought he had been doing better making an effort and now that he realized he hadn't he doesn't think that ANYTHING he did would ever satisfy me. (As if inviting me for a last-minute lunch and and afterthought movie invite is real effort). I tried to explain that the reason it was coming up again was because I didn't feel like I really ended up saying what I needed to say before and now that things were on the table we could continue to talk about it. What I should have said was that I needed to be MORE explicit about the kind of effort I wanted i.e. We are in an exclusive relationship I expect that you will spend either Friday or Saturday night with me every weekend. Period. It doesn't have to be just us, but we should be together. F*ck. I never should have let him try to figure it out on his own.
So now I am beating myself up for pushing him to get "more serious" and spend "more time with me" so soon like every crazy, relationship mistake-making girl in the world and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Even though everyone tells me I was right for wanting what I wanted and asking for it - and if he really liked me he would have given it to me instead of using it as an excuse for bolting, it doesn't make me feel any better.
The only thing I can do now if pick myself up and move on.
(PS - Sorry for some of the errors and weird grammar, I'll review and edit at a later date, I just can't go back over it right now - in more ways than one).
The only reason I know the exact time is because I called my mom almost immediately and cried.
I'm honestly really surprised that my attempts at wanting to spend more time with him resulted in him wanting to stop seeing me altogether, I mean, I'm not surprised that happens, I'm just surprised it happened with him. How do you give up so easily on something you have invested so much into? It's heartbreaking.
Here's the whole story...
On Wednesday, even though I knew he had plans in the evening, I suggested that I come over after work and wait out traffic with him until he had to leave for his game - I suggested that maybe we could have an early dinner.
He said that he had to leave early for his game so he wouldn't have time for dinner, but if I could come over around 5:00 we could spend about an hour and half together. It wasn't ideal, and in looking back I should have said no, but I went over anyway because I knew that if I didn't take advantage of the time I wouldn't see him until Sunday. Pathetic, I know.
So I went over to his house to take the measely hour and a half of a bone he was throwing me, (figuratively and literally because we had a quickie) and then he left to do what he was going to do for the night. What I didn't communicate is that while he thought he was "doing better" by making more time for me - I left feeling cheap and pathetic for being willing to settle for someone who can only squeee me into his schedule for sex in between the things he really wants to do and the people he really wants to spend his time with.
The next night we were texting back and forth (as per usual) about what we were doing that evening. I was already slightly annoyed because I had invited him to come with me to a film screening and out for drinks at the W Hotel afterwards but he wanted to go to the Santa Monica Pier music series (more that he wanted to spend time with me) since he hadn't been to one since he had gotten home from his trip. So asked him what he was doing the next night - Friday - and held my breath. He said he was having dinner at his friend Matt's house again. That it was their monthly "family dinner" but this one was in honor of Matt's mom who had recently passed away even though that had been the excuse he had been using all the previous week too.
Now, before you go thinking I am some spoiled brat who doesn't realize that, yes, this is a legitimate excuse for him not being able to see me - I feel terrible that his friend's mother passed away. Terrible. And I definitely understand why it might not have been a good time for me to come around last weekend when he first got back into town - (and also might I remind you of that whole lying debacle where Parker didn't even GO to dinner one of the nights, but I digress...) but their monthly family dinner? Were they really going to sit around and talk about his mom the whole time? I am not an inappropriate person, I know how to behave in group situations...I wanted to be included, I wanted to be let in. I don't think that was too much to be asking. We were supposed to be in an exclusive relationship - that's what people in a relationship DO - spend time together; integrate each other into their lives. So I was getting increasingly frustrated.
What ended up happening is I sent a text - a text that I now very much regret - that said this:
Parker, I'm not interested in having a text relationship. I want to spend time with the person I am dating.I was really just hoping to elicit a reaction from him because I have obviously (to you, to me, to my family and friends) been feeling so frustrated and confused. And I have NEVER, I repeat, NEVER, engaged in, let alone started a text message fight. Now I know why. What unfolded was a series of argumentative texts that ended with me wanting to talk and him wanting to go to bed and talk the next day. I hate going to bed mad, but I figured I would let him sleep on it and we'd kiss and make up.
He said he would call me the next day after he was done with work, but I suggested he come by my office and we take a walk - because I wanted to kiss and make up in person! Haha. :-( Yeah, so basically that means he was prepared to break it off with me over the phone too. The jerk evidence keeps on piling up.
When he got to my office we walked across the street and sat at some tables outside of a Starbuck's - he said he wanted to start and basically proceeded to tell me that he was done. I asked him if I should even bother telling him what I thought. He said he did but he was so angry sitting there I doubt he heard a word I said and in the end it didn't make one bit of difference because he still didn't want to keep dating me, and I was still in heartbroken shock.
What he said it basically boiled down to was that I had brought up the issue only four days prior - he thought he had been doing better making an effort and now that he realized he hadn't he doesn't think that ANYTHING he did would ever satisfy me. (As if inviting me for a last-minute lunch and and afterthought movie invite is real effort). I tried to explain that the reason it was coming up again was because I didn't feel like I really ended up saying what I needed to say before and now that things were on the table we could continue to talk about it. What I should have said was that I needed to be MORE explicit about the kind of effort I wanted i.e. We are in an exclusive relationship I expect that you will spend either Friday or Saturday night with me every weekend. Period. It doesn't have to be just us, but we should be together. F*ck. I never should have let him try to figure it out on his own.
So now I am beating myself up for pushing him to get "more serious" and spend "more time with me" so soon like every crazy, relationship mistake-making girl in the world and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Even though everyone tells me I was right for wanting what I wanted and asking for it - and if he really liked me he would have given it to me instead of using it as an excuse for bolting, it doesn't make me feel any better.
The only thing I can do now if pick myself up and move on.
(PS - Sorry for some of the errors and weird grammar, I'll review and edit at a later date, I just can't go back over it right now - in more ways than one).
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Another Text Message Blow-Off Guy.
One would think that one heart wrenching TMBOG would be enough to last a lifetime but noooo, I had to have two of them! And strangely enough they were both what drove me to write and then pick back up this blog. So interesting!
A couple days ago in my post explaining where I have been for the past two and a half years, I mentioned this supposedly great guy that I had been talking to for a couple months. Well, we had just had this amazing date - only our third - despite having been talking for so long, but it had seriously been going great and it wasn't just in my head, I swear. Again, with the third date curse for the TMBOG.
We had gone out on a Wednesday and he was headed out of town for the weekend but he said he wanted to see me again soon, so we had made plans for Sunday night. I suggested he come over to watch the Game of Thrones season finale. We had been talking about it at dinner.
On Friday he sent me a text that he was really excited about seeing me on Sunday (so cute!) and what should he bring? Wine? Dessert?
Immediately, I started thinking, Oh, crap! Does he think I invited him over for dinner? Dinner had not been my intention but rather than obsess about it, I just asked him what time he was getting back to town and if I should make dinner too. He said he would be back late afternoon and certainly didn't expect me to make him dinner but would gladly accept. A great answer, which of course meant I was happy to cook him dinner - so I told him to bring desert.
I now realize Date #3 is WAY TOO SOON for the "cooking dinner for a guy" date, even though it kind of happened organically and accidentally...but I digress and foreshadow...
He came over around 7 - I had some snacks on the coffee table and we opened a nice bottle of red wine that I had around the house. I had prepared dinner to the point that it would only take 20 minutes to finish so we hung out, snacked, talked and then I finished dinner relatively quickly when we started to get hungry. (For the record: I made a Mediterranean Pasta with artichoke hearts, sun dried tomatoes, olives, roasted red peppers, and parmesan cheese with mustard chicken and Greek Salad - honestly, not a huge effort, I like to cook).
As it had been since the moment we started talking, the whole evening was so comfortable (even when we broke one of my wine glasses) we had great conversation, no awkward moments and just a generally amazing time. We ate around 8:30, tuned into GOT at our leisure (thank you DVR), and when it was over, we finished off the bottle of wine and eventually got frisky(!). So freakin' fun. He was an incredible kisser and I know that I was not imagining our chemistry.
At one point he said to me... "I am really trying to be good here."
I said, "I appreciate that...we'll have time to be bad another night."
Then he said, "Then I should probably go before I take off my pants."
To which we both started laughing. Cute, right?
We kissed some more... (and ya know, some other mostly PG-Rated stuff). But it did not go further than that, because I'm a lady!
When he left he kissed me and said, "I'll call you tomorrow, let's do something on Thursday or Friday." A-MAZ-ING! :-)
He did not call me tomorrow.
Instead, two days later I got this (and I quote):
WTMEF!?!? (What-the-Mother-Effing-F**k!?!?)
Whew, where do I even start? First, let me just say, I didn't even bother to respond. Which was hopefully infuriating or at least unsettling for him.
Now let's take a stab at dissecting this note that puts the "mess" in text message, shall we?
Here's my ("he's a total a**hole") interpretation:
Here's my ("giving him the benefit of the doubt") interpretation:
The couple things in his original message that really kill me are:
1. "You are a really cool girl and I like you a lot" - why bother telling me he likes me a lot? Cool, I liked you a lot too, fat-lotta-good that does me now. It is so confusing to me why guys do that... I don't care that you like me anymore. Do they honestly think it will soften the blow? It doesn't, it doesn't make anyone feel better if the overall message is still "goodbye."
2. "If you want to have a conversation I am available to do so..." - What do you mean, if I want to have a conversation? Wouldn't that make me really pathetic? (Yes). You just sent me an epic text telling me you don't want to see me anymore, what do I have to talk to you about? I'm certainly not going to try to change your mind...I have long-standing policy against convincing men to be with me (My Ex, unfortunately, excluded).
3. "Please don't think that you did anything wrong, because you didn't." - Well, I wouldn't have thought I did anything wrong until you went out of your way to say that, and now I know I did something wrong and I know what that "something" was. I showed him that I was excited about him too early on. I know that I didn't overtly come on too strong, but it was just the care I took in making dinner and "entertaining" in my home, in general. In how effortlessly and smoothly the night went, he saw how interested I am in something long-term and he freaked, plain and simple. Lesson learned - the hard way. :-(
I told you that I didn't reply, but here is what I wish I would have sent back:
Stay tuned tomorrow for another Dating Bender post!
A couple days ago in my post explaining where I have been for the past two and a half years, I mentioned this supposedly great guy that I had been talking to for a couple months. Well, we had just had this amazing date - only our third - despite having been talking for so long, but it had seriously been going great and it wasn't just in my head, I swear. Again, with the third date curse for the TMBOG.
We had gone out on a Wednesday and he was headed out of town for the weekend but he said he wanted to see me again soon, so we had made plans for Sunday night. I suggested he come over to watch the Game of Thrones season finale. We had been talking about it at dinner.
On Friday he sent me a text that he was really excited about seeing me on Sunday (so cute!) and what should he bring? Wine? Dessert?
Immediately, I started thinking, Oh, crap! Does he think I invited him over for dinner? Dinner had not been my intention but rather than obsess about it, I just asked him what time he was getting back to town and if I should make dinner too. He said he would be back late afternoon and certainly didn't expect me to make him dinner but would gladly accept. A great answer, which of course meant I was happy to cook him dinner - so I told him to bring desert.
I now realize Date #3 is WAY TOO SOON for the "cooking dinner for a guy" date, even though it kind of happened organically and accidentally...but I digress and foreshadow...
He came over around 7 - I had some snacks on the coffee table and we opened a nice bottle of red wine that I had around the house. I had prepared dinner to the point that it would only take 20 minutes to finish so we hung out, snacked, talked and then I finished dinner relatively quickly when we started to get hungry. (For the record: I made a Mediterranean Pasta with artichoke hearts, sun dried tomatoes, olives, roasted red peppers, and parmesan cheese with mustard chicken and Greek Salad - honestly, not a huge effort, I like to cook).
As it had been since the moment we started talking, the whole evening was so comfortable (even when we broke one of my wine glasses) we had great conversation, no awkward moments and just a generally amazing time. We ate around 8:30, tuned into GOT at our leisure (thank you DVR), and when it was over, we finished off the bottle of wine and eventually got frisky(!). So freakin' fun. He was an incredible kisser and I know that I was not imagining our chemistry.
At one point he said to me... "I am really trying to be good here."
I said, "I appreciate that...we'll have time to be bad another night."
Then he said, "Then I should probably go before I take off my pants."
To which we both started laughing. Cute, right?
We kissed some more... (and ya know, some other mostly PG-Rated stuff). But it did not go further than that, because I'm a lady!
When he left he kissed me and said, "I'll call you tomorrow, let's do something on Thursday or Friday." A-MAZ-ING! :-)
He did not call me tomorrow.
Instead, two days later I got this (and I quote):
Hey there. So I've been giving this some thought and the truth is, I don't think I'm ready for this. I'm beginning to think that I signed up for [online dating] as a distraction more than anything. So far, you are the only person I have gone out with more than once and as things have progressed, I've realized that it is disingenuous for me to continue. I don't want to lead you on or waste your time. You are really cool girl and I like you a lot, but frankly, my life is at a crossroads and I need to do some soul-searching before I can really be intimately involved with anyone. I'm sure this comes as a surprise and I apologize for that. If you want to have a conversation I'm available to do so later this evening. Please don't think that you did anything wrong, because you didn't. I'm truly sorry for wasting your time. -TMBOG2
WTMEF!?!? (What-the-Mother-Effing-F**k!?!?)
Whew, where do I even start? First, let me just say, I didn't even bother to respond. Which was hopefully infuriating or at least unsettling for him.
Now let's take a stab at dissecting this note that puts the "mess" in text message, shall we?
Here's my ("he's a total a**hole") interpretation:
I'm not looking for something serious - I only signed up for online dating to get laid and usually that happens right away, but at most I didn't think it would take this long. Since you haven't slept with me by now, I am not willing to put in any more effort. I liked hanging out with you enough to stick it out until now, but you are clearly looking for a relationship and I don't want one, or at least not with you. Even though I told you I was ready for a relationship, I was lying...to get laid. It's not you, it's me. I'm sorry, that I'm not sorry. (and when you sign your name, that pretty much means Sayonara forever.)
Here's my ("giving him the benefit of the doubt") interpretation:
I think you might more into me than I am into you, and I'm not sure I'm ready to jump into a relationship so quickly with anyone, or with you. I'm a little freaked out and I don't want to be a bad guy so rather than talk about it, I am just going to feed you a bunch of BS about soul-searching and end things now so no one gets hurt. But if you want to talk about it, we can.
The couple things in his original message that really kill me are:
1. "You are a really cool girl and I like you a lot" - why bother telling me he likes me a lot? Cool, I liked you a lot too, fat-lotta-good that does me now. It is so confusing to me why guys do that... I don't care that you like me anymore. Do they honestly think it will soften the blow? It doesn't, it doesn't make anyone feel better if the overall message is still "goodbye."
2. "If you want to have a conversation I am available to do so..." - What do you mean, if I want to have a conversation? Wouldn't that make me really pathetic? (Yes). You just sent me an epic text telling me you don't want to see me anymore, what do I have to talk to you about? I'm certainly not going to try to change your mind...I have long-standing policy against convincing men to be with me (My Ex, unfortunately, excluded).
3. "Please don't think that you did anything wrong, because you didn't." - Well, I wouldn't have thought I did anything wrong until you went out of your way to say that, and now I know I did something wrong and I know what that "something" was. I showed him that I was excited about him too early on. I know that I didn't overtly come on too strong, but it was just the care I took in making dinner and "entertaining" in my home, in general. In how effortlessly and smoothly the night went, he saw how interested I am in something long-term and he freaked, plain and simple. Lesson learned - the hard way. :-(
I told you that I didn't reply, but here is what I wish I would have sent back:
TMBOG2, It would have been nice if you had been the one who wanted to have a conversation about this prior to sending me a text message soliloquy. From what you wrote though, I gather that you have no interest in ever seeing me again, so at this point it doesn't seem that we have anything to discuss. Best, PennyOkay, enough obsessing. I am actually mostly over it since it happened a couple weeks ago, but hadn't yet put pen to paper about it until today.
Stay tuned tomorrow for another Dating Bender post!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thankful for Blessings in Disguise...
It is that time of year when people get nostalgic and reflect on their year and their life and acknowledge all the things that they are grateful for - for me it is not only due to Thanksgiving and New Years, but I also have a birthday coming up...so I usually reflect 3-fold.
Well suffice to say, I've had a pretty crappy year. I am not a fan of 2010 and I am very ready for it to be over. My boyfriend whom I thought loved me, turned out to not, we had some major ups and downs and eventually broke up, I had to let go of n him as a lover and a best friend, but also of the life we had planned for ourselves, then we got back together again, only for him to leave me again (crushing me worse the latter time), then he moved on very quickly with someone else, I am still alone, and this just in...I lost my job.
It's really hard to be thankful for anything when you just want to curl up in a ball and lie around for a few weeks hoping when you re-emerge life will be better. But, I thought it important to focus on some of the positives that stem from all the negative.
On losing work:
It's not often that we are given a chance in life to have a completely blank slate and rebuild our lives to our exact specifications. In fact, it may never happen to some people. There is usually at least one thing in our lives that is keeping us "here." Well, when I met my ex I didn't have a job and was thinking about moving from Austin, but our relationship started out so wonderfully that I stayed for him. Then I got a great job and when my boyfriend and I broke up, I stayed for work. Now, I am not obligated to person, place or thing and I can figure out what it is I want, where I want to go, what I want to do, who I am want to be and be with. For that, I am thankful.
On losing love:
I had a weird thought the other day when I realized that I am in a strange way thankful for this breakup. It is still painful and I still miss my ex almost every day (the pain of which is compounded by knowing he is happy with someone else and I am still alone) but he actually gave me an amazing gift. He gave me back the excitement of a first kiss with someone who has infinite potential and the thrill of hearing someone tell me he loves me for the first time; and the opportunity to find someone who means those words when he says them. He gave me the chance for true love and happiness. For that, I am thankful.
On being alone:
It's been exactly 4 weeks from the day I last saw and spoke to my ex. Since the day we met in February of 2009 (before we even started dating) this is by far the longest we have ever gone without contact. It is excruciating. But it has given me a fresh perspective too. When I look back on our relationship I don't see a lot of myself in it. I see a lot of what he wanted, a lot of his friends, and the life he planned, and I see a shell of who I am and what I am capable of just being along for the ride. I guess there is a reason that "hindsight is 20/20" is a popular saying. I finally see that he is not the person he thinks and claims to be, and that I was so enchanted by the words I missed what the actions were saying. So as hard as it it still is, I am FINALLY getting some clarity. For that, I am thankful.
I guess it's not that hard to find things in my life to be thankful for. And for that, I am truly thankful.
Well suffice to say, I've had a pretty crappy year. I am not a fan of 2010 and I am very ready for it to be over. My boyfriend whom I thought loved me, turned out to not, we had some major ups and downs and eventually broke up, I had to let go of n him as a lover and a best friend, but also of the life we had planned for ourselves, then we got back together again, only for him to leave me again (crushing me worse the latter time), then he moved on very quickly with someone else, I am still alone, and this just in...I lost my job.
It's really hard to be thankful for anything when you just want to curl up in a ball and lie around for a few weeks hoping when you re-emerge life will be better. But, I thought it important to focus on some of the positives that stem from all the negative.
On losing work:
It's not often that we are given a chance in life to have a completely blank slate and rebuild our lives to our exact specifications. In fact, it may never happen to some people. There is usually at least one thing in our lives that is keeping us "here." Well, when I met my ex I didn't have a job and was thinking about moving from Austin, but our relationship started out so wonderfully that I stayed for him. Then I got a great job and when my boyfriend and I broke up, I stayed for work. Now, I am not obligated to person, place or thing and I can figure out what it is I want, where I want to go, what I want to do, who I am want to be and be with. For that, I am thankful.
On losing love:
I had a weird thought the other day when I realized that I am in a strange way thankful for this breakup. It is still painful and I still miss my ex almost every day (the pain of which is compounded by knowing he is happy with someone else and I am still alone) but he actually gave me an amazing gift. He gave me back the excitement of a first kiss with someone who has infinite potential and the thrill of hearing someone tell me he loves me for the first time; and the opportunity to find someone who means those words when he says them. He gave me the chance for true love and happiness. For that, I am thankful.
On being alone:
It's been exactly 4 weeks from the day I last saw and spoke to my ex. Since the day we met in February of 2009 (before we even started dating) this is by far the longest we have ever gone without contact. It is excruciating. But it has given me a fresh perspective too. When I look back on our relationship I don't see a lot of myself in it. I see a lot of what he wanted, a lot of his friends, and the life he planned, and I see a shell of who I am and what I am capable of just being along for the ride. I guess there is a reason that "hindsight is 20/20" is a popular saying. I finally see that he is not the person he thinks and claims to be, and that I was so enchanted by the words I missed what the actions were saying. So as hard as it it still is, I am FINALLY getting some clarity. For that, I am thankful.
I guess it's not that hard to find things in my life to be thankful for. And for that, I am truly thankful.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Deep Dark October
First, I must apologize for not posting for so long. I've been a bit of a mess. (Actually, I think calling it a "bit" is a "major" understatement).
I have been really struggling with this breakup, again. And I hesitated to post because I was (am) afraid that most of what I have to say is not very positive or funny as the title of my blog would indicate. In fact, it's mostly negative and heartbreaking. But, I guess true heartbreak is an "Adventure in Dating" just not one I recommend pursuing.
For the past two weeks, I have been walking around feeling a lot better. I thought I had accepted that he and I were over and I really thought I was ready to be friends. I was pursuing a friendly relationship with him, emailing him articles I knew he would think were funny and texting when I had seen a great concert I know he would have liked...
We were friends before we started dating and I wanted to get some of that back. Because more than I missed the physical parts of our relationship, I missed our friendship.
I thought things were going pretty well (as I so often seem to do with him, only to later be proven very very wrong). He was not responding to every single one of my messages, but mostly all of them, in a relatively timely fashion. I didn't take it personally because I thought it was hard for him too...this whole break up thing.
He texted me last week to say he had a shirt I had lent him (I had given it to him, but whatever) and did I want it back? I said I thought he wanted it but if he was going to get rid of it, then yes, I would take it back. Plus he also had another t-shirt, some expensive facial sunscreen, and a tupperware of mine, could he bring that too? He said he wasn't going to mention the tupperware, but sure he'd bring it.
He came over last night to drop the stuff off. And truth be told, I really wanted to see him. It's been since we broke up (for the LAST time) on September18th that we have seen eachother. (SIDE NOTE: I should have known better). I invited him in to chat. We caught up about what's going on in our lives. I asked him how his Halloween weekend was and he said it was fun. He went out "big" on Thursday and Friday and took it easy on Saturday and Sunday. He told me he dressed as the Mad Hatter on Thursday. Then I made my mistake...I said...
"Oh, cool. Did anyone else dress up with you?"
He said, "Yes, I had an Alice."
"Oh," I said, "You had an Alice?"
"Yes," he said, "I have and Alice. It was a planned thing. That's why the dropping off of the stuff is happening."
I said I was surprised, and that I was happy for him. And then said, "Wait, no I'm not."
He tried to make a little more polite conversation after that, but I just wanted him to leave. I think I am mostly mad that I gave him the satisfaction of seeing my face when he told me. He must have seen all the color drain from my face and the internal struggle that took place to hold back the tears. He left a few minutes later without much fanfare. He said goodbye and didn't look back. I closed the door and locked it.
So here I am, now unable to even be friends with him and so angry at myself for LITERALLY opening the door for him to hurt me again. I have no clue why he felt the need to hurt me again, I never hurt him and I certainly didn't deserve it. I KNOW this guy is a selfish, manipulative jerk, that he came over to my house with the purpose of telling me he was seeing someone just to make sure I still had feelings for him, and I should hate him. All of this I know. In my head.
Now I just have to wait for my heart to catch up. And the incident last night has definitely set me back some. It definitely hurts that he was so quick to move on from me, it makes me feel like what we had wasn't as special as I believed it to be. But I need to confront all these things, I need to realize that moving on is what's best for me, and even though it feels like a step backward, maybe it will propel me forward several steps knowing we are truly, truly, in the truest sense of the word, done.
I have been really struggling with this breakup, again. And I hesitated to post because I was (am) afraid that most of what I have to say is not very positive or funny as the title of my blog would indicate. In fact, it's mostly negative and heartbreaking. But, I guess true heartbreak is an "Adventure in Dating" just not one I recommend pursuing.
For the past two weeks, I have been walking around feeling a lot better. I thought I had accepted that he and I were over and I really thought I was ready to be friends. I was pursuing a friendly relationship with him, emailing him articles I knew he would think were funny and texting when I had seen a great concert I know he would have liked...
We were friends before we started dating and I wanted to get some of that back. Because more than I missed the physical parts of our relationship, I missed our friendship.
I thought things were going pretty well (as I so often seem to do with him, only to later be proven very very wrong). He was not responding to every single one of my messages, but mostly all of them, in a relatively timely fashion. I didn't take it personally because I thought it was hard for him too...this whole break up thing.
He texted me last week to say he had a shirt I had lent him (I had given it to him, but whatever) and did I want it back? I said I thought he wanted it but if he was going to get rid of it, then yes, I would take it back. Plus he also had another t-shirt, some expensive facial sunscreen, and a tupperware of mine, could he bring that too? He said he wasn't going to mention the tupperware, but sure he'd bring it.
He came over last night to drop the stuff off. And truth be told, I really wanted to see him. It's been since we broke up (for the LAST time) on September18th that we have seen eachother. (SIDE NOTE: I should have known better). I invited him in to chat. We caught up about what's going on in our lives. I asked him how his Halloween weekend was and he said it was fun. He went out "big" on Thursday and Friday and took it easy on Saturday and Sunday. He told me he dressed as the Mad Hatter on Thursday. Then I made my mistake...I said...
"Oh, cool. Did anyone else dress up with you?"
He said, "Yes, I had an Alice."
"Oh," I said, "You had an Alice?"
"Yes," he said, "I have and Alice. It was a planned thing. That's why the dropping off of the stuff is happening."
I said I was surprised, and that I was happy for him. And then said, "Wait, no I'm not."
He tried to make a little more polite conversation after that, but I just wanted him to leave. I think I am mostly mad that I gave him the satisfaction of seeing my face when he told me. He must have seen all the color drain from my face and the internal struggle that took place to hold back the tears. He left a few minutes later without much fanfare. He said goodbye and didn't look back. I closed the door and locked it.
So here I am, now unable to even be friends with him and so angry at myself for LITERALLY opening the door for him to hurt me again. I have no clue why he felt the need to hurt me again, I never hurt him and I certainly didn't deserve it. I KNOW this guy is a selfish, manipulative jerk, that he came over to my house with the purpose of telling me he was seeing someone just to make sure I still had feelings for him, and I should hate him. All of this I know. In my head.
Now I just have to wait for my heart to catch up. And the incident last night has definitely set me back some. It definitely hurts that he was so quick to move on from me, it makes me feel like what we had wasn't as special as I believed it to be. But I need to confront all these things, I need to realize that moving on is what's best for me, and even though it feels like a step backward, maybe it will propel me forward several steps knowing we are truly, truly, in the truest sense of the word, done.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Still Single and Heartbroken (again)
So...where did we leave off? Oh yeah, I was all hopeful about the prospect of getting back together with my ex - the one who left me heartbroken after a little over a year...
Things started out really well! We were so happy to be spending time with eachother again...we were going out to our favorite restaurants, seeing concerts, and seriously enjoying our "private time."
Admittedly, things were not perfect, but definitely looking up.
We took great pains to try and restructure our relationship - whereas before we had jumped in head first and spent pretty much all our free time together right away. This time we tried to take things slower - only seeing eachother 3-4 nights a week. We both thought this would help us keep a better balance of our relationship and our individual lives. It was tough, but it seemed worth it, because after all, if you think you are with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, everything ALWAYS seems worth it, right?
You may be thinking "why was it tough?" Well (and this is something I never would have known had I not tried it) it is very difficult to have a different relationship with the same person. It's something of a disconnect, to say the least.
So things were generally going really well, with a few minor obstacles...
1. He insisted on hanging out with a girl he had met while we were broken up in a 1-on-1 fashion
He insisted that it wasn't a date, that they were just friends, and nothing physical had ever happened between them. Now, I don't want to be "that girl" but I thought it was super inappropriate to make plans with a girl in that way. Like "hey, I'll come pick you up and we'll go do something fun together like night swimming at Barton Springs" (and yes, THAT is actually the activity he planned, to add insult to injury). I wouldn't have minded if he had invited her out to meet up with him and a bunch of his friends, but something felt really insulting about the way these events were going to transpire. So, I told him. And I definitely expected him to care, but he didn't. After an argument (that shouldn't have become an argument, in my opinion) he finally conceded that I was right and agreed to change the nature of his plans with her. (IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: she ended up flaking out on him...hahaha)
2. He didn't tell his friends we were dating again. I should have known this was a HUGE red flag, but I figured I would be patient and let him tell them when he was ready.
Notice I am writing all of this in the past tense...
Last Friday, we were at the Citizen Cope Concert at Stubb's having a great time, dancing, kissing, laughing, drinking...after the show he even suggested we go somewhere else - so we walked over to Side Bar (this sequence of events coincidentally happened the 3rd date this time around, except it was a Chromeo concert). It was shortly after I ordered our beers (and I honestly still don't know how we got on the topic of conversation) that he basically said that "this wasn't working for him."
We left the bar (he actually had the nerve to ask me if I wanted a ride home). We talked in the car and I actually invited him in. He came inside and we spent one last night together. When we woke up in the morning, we talked some more...I actually thought I was getting through to him. I told him I knew he was but that there is a reason we were drawn to each other again, that we are giving it another go. I asked him to please not freak out and run away, to not do this to me, again. He asked me why I tried so hard for us, and I told him it was because I love him. I told him not to give up on us, he said he would give it some thought.
A couple hours after he left he called to say that he thought it over and he just couldn't do it anymore. That he wants to be single right now. I was pretty disappointed and of course very hurt.
One thing he said to me that really snapped me out of it though was: "I've treated you really badly, and I am not that guy who treats his girlfriend badly. It must be something about you, about us, that makes me act that way toward you."
I said, "So let me get this straight, you are saying it's my fault that you are an asshole to me? I don't think so."
I told him that once we hung up the phone we were done, that there was no more indecision, that there was no changing his mind. I said, "You better be really sure that you don't see me in your future."
He said (meekly), "I'm sure"
And that was that.
Fin.
Things started out really well! We were so happy to be spending time with eachother again...we were going out to our favorite restaurants, seeing concerts, and seriously enjoying our "private time."
Admittedly, things were not perfect, but definitely looking up.
We took great pains to try and restructure our relationship - whereas before we had jumped in head first and spent pretty much all our free time together right away. This time we tried to take things slower - only seeing eachother 3-4 nights a week. We both thought this would help us keep a better balance of our relationship and our individual lives. It was tough, but it seemed worth it, because after all, if you think you are with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, everything ALWAYS seems worth it, right?
You may be thinking "why was it tough?" Well (and this is something I never would have known had I not tried it) it is very difficult to have a different relationship with the same person. It's something of a disconnect, to say the least.
So things were generally going really well, with a few minor obstacles...
1. He insisted on hanging out with a girl he had met while we were broken up in a 1-on-1 fashion
He insisted that it wasn't a date, that they were just friends, and nothing physical had ever happened between them. Now, I don't want to be "that girl" but I thought it was super inappropriate to make plans with a girl in that way. Like "hey, I'll come pick you up and we'll go do something fun together like night swimming at Barton Springs" (and yes, THAT is actually the activity he planned, to add insult to injury). I wouldn't have minded if he had invited her out to meet up with him and a bunch of his friends, but something felt really insulting about the way these events were going to transpire. So, I told him. And I definitely expected him to care, but he didn't. After an argument (that shouldn't have become an argument, in my opinion) he finally conceded that I was right and agreed to change the nature of his plans with her. (IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: she ended up flaking out on him...hahaha)
2. He didn't tell his friends we were dating again. I should have known this was a HUGE red flag, but I figured I would be patient and let him tell them when he was ready.
Notice I am writing all of this in the past tense...
Last Friday, we were at the Citizen Cope Concert at Stubb's having a great time, dancing, kissing, laughing, drinking...after the show he even suggested we go somewhere else - so we walked over to Side Bar (this sequence of events coincidentally happened the 3rd date this time around, except it was a Chromeo concert). It was shortly after I ordered our beers (and I honestly still don't know how we got on the topic of conversation) that he basically said that "this wasn't working for him."
We left the bar (he actually had the nerve to ask me if I wanted a ride home). We talked in the car and I actually invited him in. He came inside and we spent one last night together. When we woke up in the morning, we talked some more...I actually thought I was getting through to him. I told him I knew he was but that there is a reason we were drawn to each other again, that we are giving it another go. I asked him to please not freak out and run away, to not do this to me, again. He asked me why I tried so hard for us, and I told him it was because I love him. I told him not to give up on us, he said he would give it some thought.
A couple hours after he left he called to say that he thought it over and he just couldn't do it anymore. That he wants to be single right now. I was pretty disappointed and of course very hurt.
One thing he said to me that really snapped me out of it though was: "I've treated you really badly, and I am not that guy who treats his girlfriend badly. It must be something about you, about us, that makes me act that way toward you."
I said, "So let me get this straight, you are saying it's my fault that you are an asshole to me? I don't think so."
I told him that once we hung up the phone we were done, that there was no more indecision, that there was no changing his mind. I said, "You better be really sure that you don't see me in your future."
He said (meekly), "I'm sure"
And that was that.
Fin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)