#instagramofficial

...Somebody has a boyfriend...

Stats-
Name: Reuben
Age: 32
Height: 5'11"
Religion: Jewish
Occupation: Digital Media
Education: Ivy League (ding ding ding!)
Hometown: New Orleans, LA
Currently Resides: Hollywood
The Dates: So many good ones

(Did I hit the jackpot or what?)

First let me say - I am THE. WORST. Obviously I owe all my LOYAL readers a HUGE apology (cause there are SO many of you out there, right?). Seriously though, I don't have much of an excuse for walking away from this project for 7 months... I have certainly been doing my fair-share of dating in that time. My one and only Tinder story is the stuff of legends! (and obvs material for a later post) and more as a public shaming to myself - I love this project and I really should be more consistent.

So, back to the post at-hand... I have a boyfriend, y'all!

We have been together for a little over 3 months and I guess I'll have to tell our "getting together" story in reverse over the course of a few posts but most recently we went "official" with an instagram pic, which is kind of a big deal for a number of reasons...

1.  We work together

Dear HR, I knowingly and willingly enter into this consensual, adult, sexual relationship. Eeek!

2.  My ex refused to ever acknowledge our relationship on SM

Facebook was really the only social platform at that time and we never changed our status in the 2 years we were together; he was afraid it would negatively affect the audience of our band. He felt it was important that we always appear "available." What a dick. Oh the things that become SO CLEAR to us in hindsight. I would NEVER let anyone treat me like that now. Ugh.

3. Social media. Period.

Social media can cause so many problems in a relationship, the least of which is miscommunication and I would posit the most of which is the temptation to and/or straight up cheating. I went back through my blog to see if I had ever posted my personal policy on social media and dating and was SHOCKED that I hadn't written a post on it yet, SHOCKED, I tell you - especially because I wrote a "Rules of Singledom" post - I really dropped the ball on that one. 

So, guess what that means...?

BONUS BLOG: Social Media Etiquette When Dating 

I feel very strongly about this subject (side note: I feel very strongly about a lot of subjects which is what makes having a blog great!). The premise is very simple - You DO NOT become any form of social media friends with ANYONE you are dating until you are BOYFRIEND & GIRLFRIEND. PERIOD. Not just "exclusive" - but serious, ready to change your status, BF/GF.

Some FAQ's:

What about Following them on Twitter?: NO

What about Following on Instagram?: NO

How about becoming Facebook friends?: NO

How will I know what they are doing?: Ask them (a novel concept, I know)

What if I think they are lying?: Then they are probably not someone you should be dating

What about Snapchat?: OK, this is an exception to the rule, since it's not technically a network

Can I check their social networks: YES, this is totally allowed (from time-to-time) - it makes sense to vet people, check to see who you know in common (esp, when you are online dating, look at some pictures) but most people have plenty of information available publicly and you don't need to take the added step to make it "feed" into your consciousness. When you are not friends/following you have to take that extra step to look at their page - and if you do it too often - it really is a little like cyber-stalking, and that is unhealthy - you are awesome and have a life, stop cyber-stalking! :-) 

I do have some very good reasons for this policy - generally it's just that in the beginning stages, dating is just that, dating. Likely both of you are dating a couple different people - maybe you are in the process of wrapping up a casual thing, maybe he went out on a couple dates with another girl last month but decided he didn't like her that much, but may still want to sleep with her if he can - the point is, after one or two dates... who knows, amirite!?! Why torture yourself with the status update and the pictures and the et cetera. Just don't.

Then, as you start dating more often, you still don't want to know the things that you are being left out of - because it starts to hurt your feelings, right? When you are together, things are so great! But social media - it can derail an otherwise good thing. So, just say no.

In all honesty another good reason comes from an example of the ONE time in recent history that I broke my own rule and lived to regret it - it was with Parker - obviously. (Seriously, could that mini-relationship have been a better learning experience?) He was traveling abroad, so we decided to become Facebook friends before he left so that I could see his pictures and potentially "chat" through FB messenger while he was gone. So, the intention was good - but once we were FB friends we decided to follow each other on Instagram and so on...

Well, we all know how things worked out with Parker; they didn't. So what did I have to do? Defriend, unfollow.. Then I was all... When do I do that? Do I block him? How soon is too soon? I don't want to look dramatic and defriend him right away...but I don't want HIM to do it first. And on and on and on. So after I defriended and unfollowed and blocked the ONLY thing I could think was how immature and childish the whole thing made me feel. It left me with such a bad taste in my mouth that it just reconfirmed my policy to NEVER be social media anythings with anyone ever again until he was my boyfriend.

ENTER Reuben.

Giving What You Need to Someone Else

I got a random text tonight from a guy I have known since I was very young, Jake. It said...

Hey it's Jake. Hope your [sic] doing well. Just wanted to send some love your way.

It's interesting because I have been having one of those weeks, as I just said to my friend Maggie, that makes me feel like I am going to be single forever. Even though on the surface the text of the text was sweet, given the backstory of what happened between Jake and me, I wasn't going to reply, but then I realized that even though I didn't want to - in a weird way, it was probably what he needed, and so I wrote...

Hey Jake. Thanks for the note. Hope you're doing well.

I know you might be thinking that it sounded a little cold - but I am really hoping he doesn't take the opportunity to start up a dialogue, I just didn't want to ignore him because...being ignored sucks.

What happened between Jake and I is an interesting story - we went to elementary school together but I moved away after the 4th grade. Fast forward 20 years we randomly ran into each other at a bar in West Hollywood and with the help of having been friends on Facebook all these years, were able to recognize each other.

We started spending time together, as friends. Over a period of about three weeks, we spent a lot of time together and began to get really close (again, I stress, platonically) but then things took a strange and stressful turn. As it turns out, Jake is a diagnosed bipolar and was not taking his meds. He began to slip into a severe manic episode and refused to get help. He began to alienate his family and his friends - which, as it turns out, is why he was being so clingy with me.

When I sided with his family and friends and told him that he needed to get help he hit me with a barrage of messages telling me what a terrible person I am and that I am evil for the span of an entire day only to completely change his tune and tell me he loves me and call me endlessly the next day. I realized this was obviously all attributable to his illness but didn't respond to any of his messages - both the bad and the good - and chose to just cut him out of my life. (It seems harsh, but I had only reconnected with him three weeks prior, and as my mom told me, it was far from my responsibility to take this on).

He did call me to tell me he had voluntarily checked himself into a hospital to get help - and I was happy to hear that, but again, I had already made the decision to be done, so I didn't call him back. That is where things left off in March. I have no desire to invite Jake back into my life, but it's 7 months later and he's clearly still thinking about me.

I would be lying if I said that my decision to reply to Jake was entirely selfless...

It's been over 2 months since Parker broke things off with me. And as much as I wish I was and as humiliating as it is to admit, I'm not over it. I could go into the details of my inner monologue on whether or not I am really still hung up on him, the idea of him, or just the idea of a potential man in my life - the truth is, I'm not sure, but that's irrelevant to my point.

What is relevant is that he has completely ignored every attempt I have made to reach out to him, with one exception (the first time), since the day things ended. To me, that is so cold, and makes me feel really awful. Yes, I sent him kind of a crazy email, but in my defense I was really sad - and it wasn't mean-crazy, it was nice-crazy.

Two weeks ago when I finally got a job, (Side note: WOOT WOOT!!!) I sent him a text to let him know since we had talked SO much about it, and I didn't even get a cursory congrats text. I don't get it. Is he just going to pretend that I don't exist? It is so weird to me that he could just stop caring so completely, so quickly. I don't know why I keep trying - but I care if he still cares. I know it's a tad pathetic (especially because my facebook "recon" indicates he is already seeing someone else, of course). I need to accept a fact I so desperately want to disprove, but it's not gonna happen. The disproving part, I mean. I hope the acceptance part will happen sooner rather than later.

And so, it is because I have been hurt by this behavior so much, that I decided to give to Jake what Parker will never give to me: acknowledgement, compassion, closure.

It's making me feel better...for today.

How Close is Too Close?

Remember how I mentioned that Parker's ex was still in his life? Remember how I said I was a little threatened by it, but he said he had no intention of getting back with her and that it made me feel better but I still couldn't help but be threatened? Yeah...

So - he's in a different country and our communication is very limited. We talk every so often and he tells me he is missing me which I appreciate so much, because I miss him too...and that makes me feel really special. These are all good things.

BUT, here's the bad thing I can't really get out of my head...I'm pretty sure he's talking to his ex too, which makes me feel unspecial. The only reason I suspect this is because she is looking after his dog, and I know that I would be in communication with the person looking after my dog - OR, if I were her and still had feelings for him (which woman's intuition tells me is the case, especially based on the specific details of their breakup story) I would be using the whole dog-thing as an excuse to talk to him while he's away too. (Good move, ex-gf, good move. If you weren't my competition, I would have mad respect for your tactics).

1. I mean first and foremost, she's watching his freakin' dog! Come on. That's kind of ridiculous, considering he has a roommate. But, okay, a dog is a living being that needs to be cared for and he knows she cares second only to him at thins point, so I get it from a "parental perspective." (If this continues to happen once he and I make it official, we might have problems).

2. Also, he just helped her move despite the fact that she is supposedly seeing a new guy. Hmmm...curious. If you had a new man, why would your ex-man be the one to help you move? Don't think too long...the answer is, he wouldn't. Friends or not.

3. Thirdly, and this is totally nit-picky but kinda bothered me. I went out of my way to post a really cute message on his Facebook wall at midnight on his birthday despite the time difference - and he "liked" it. (Yay!) Then when all the hundreds, yes hundreds, of other messages came rolling in on U.S. time he didn't "like" or reply to any of them, so I was super flattered. Except one. Ex-gf's message. He "liked" hers too. (Not yay. Unyay).

He was very upfront with me about their continued friendship - and I get that a 3+ year relationship creates a strong bond that doesn't go away just because the romance does, especially because they stayed in each other's lives. But now, in thinking back to our conversation about them, he said to me, "we realized we're better off as 'best friends.'" He didn't say regular friends, he said "best." The thing is, whether it ends up being Parker or not, I want my lover to be my best friend. So regardless of if there is any continued romantic interest between the two of them - if she still occupies that space in his life, the best friend space, then what space does that leave for him to build that with someone else? Namely, me?...

So far he has been saying and doing all the right things, but these days that is pretty easy from the other side of  the world. So, he is going to be moving about a week after he gets back from his trip. For me, I think a big indicator will be if he asks me to help him move, if he asks her or if he asks both of us. If he asks me, then he is as serious about me as he says he is. If he asks her, there is "trouble in River City" (as my mom used to say) and I will probably have to say something analagous to what I wrote above about the whole If she occupies your "best friend space," then what space is there for someone else? And if he asks both of us and we get to meet, I will definitely know they are in the friend zone (from his side). But, see item #2 above...it would be kinda weird, right? (I'll also get to see if my suspicions are true about her still having feelings for him and if she is actually nice to me. He insists she will be...mm hm -- that's my skeptical mm hm. Nice = friend zone, Fake-Nice or Straight Bitchy = still in love). Only 30 more days until I find out....

Playing Games

If you've been reading my last few posts - particularly the ones about Parker - then you will know how I keep making a pretty big deal out of the fact that he is coming after me full-force and isn't playing any games.

Well it's really got me thinking about game-playing within the dating dynamic, in general. I have never believed in playing games but that didn't seem to ever work for me, especially in Los Angeles, so I started to see them as a necessary evil. Plus, these days it seems like everyone from Cosmo to Anderson Cooper (I don't know why those seem like opposites to me, but they do) advocates that you have to play the game. So unfortunately, I got pretty good at it. The thing is, that didn't seem to work that well either.

So enter this guy who all of a sudden follows up right after a date, calls when he says he is going to call, tries to see me all the time, and a week into knowing him we have been in pretty consistent contact every day. If this was I guy I wasn't interested in, would this bother me? Probably. But then again, I wouldn't have reciprocated so it probably wouldn't have gotten to this point anyway. But I am interested in him. I don't wait to respond to his text messages, I have willingly accommodated his "extra date" requests, and really like that he wants to talk to me all the time. Does this mean that games don't work? Yes. But not because they don't work. Confused? Let me explain...

I signed on to Facebook today (Follow Penny on Facebook!) and one of my friends had posed a question as his status update: "Who plays more games in relationships. Girls or Guys?" Immediately all the single girls, guys, and gays went about slinging rocks...A couple of the most cynical  were...
"Girls. It's always girls. Even when it's same-sex and they're dudes, it's some girls fault."
"It's all a game. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying or losing at it."

But then somone said (And I couldn't help but notice she was in a relatioship and from the looks of her photos, although admittedly photos don't always tell the whole story, she looked very happily in a relaionship)...
 "neither if you are with the right one   " 

Then I had my "Ah ha!" moment. Could that be what's going on here? When you meet the right one and you are on the same page from Day 1, the need for pretense disappears? Is that why both my non-game playing and my game playing have never worked? I just wasn't with the right guy. At this point I am most definitely acknowledging it is a distinct possibility.

So...does that mean Parker is THE guy? It is sure starting to feel like it - in thinking back to all the guys I've dated, I don't think I have ever felt this way about someone: giddy, excited, strangely calm and totally on the same page. What I mean by that is, I am oh-so attracted to him and I still have all the amazing butterflies when I think about him but it has nothing to do with wondering when he is going to call or when I am going to see him. It's just entirely about our potential. Last night right before all his boys arrived he sent me a quick text. I told him to have fun but if he felt like sending me some drunk texts later they would be welcome, but no pressure. Then he said, "Haha, I will. Don't you worry." And you know what? I wasn't worried; it's really really nice to know that someone you like really likes you back. After his friends left we talked on the phone for an hour and he told me how he told them all about me - and they approve. (Cue mini freak out session).

But seriously, does anyone ever actually find happiness with someone in the end who they played games with at the beginning? I know I sure haven't.