First Fight

I HATE fighting with my boyfriend. I don't mean Reuben in particular, I just mean getting into fights with any boyfriend, in general. But, we all know they are inevitable...and Reuben and I had a conversation pretty early on when we started dating, acknowledging the fact that, at some point, we were going to argue.

At that point, I had to fill Reuben in about the stress and anxiety that fighting causes me - my ex didn't know how to have a fight without breaking up with me. Now... prior to that emotional cluster-f*ck of a situation, I had always felt that some arguing and fighting was healthy for a relationship. My parents who have a 30+ year marriage have worked through many issues in their decades-long time together - some pretty serious. But when you are with someone who doesn't get the concept of working through things - it can make one (understandably) squeamish about raising conflict.

Reuben promised me, in that moment, that unless some person or animal was purposefully maimed - he would not break up with me over our first fight. Haha.

Fast-forward to last Friday night - one of Reuben's quirks is that he is absolutely the most timely person anyone will ever meet. He thinks being on time is a sign of respect for yourself and for the people you are meeting. (I agree, I am just not as fastidious about it). We were supposed to meet some friends of his for drinks at 9:30 - drinks - which in my mind means, "casual meet-up at approximately that time."

I ended up getting stuck at work really late (not entirely my fault) and we still had to get dinner before we met up with his friends - he was dilly-dallying too by finishing one last round of some MMORPG (or whatever the video game nerds are playing these days) and suggested we go early and eat bar food because he would rather be early and eat nasty-sh*t then be late and feed his girlfriend properly (<-- case="" exposition="" in="" it="" last="" obvious="" p="" part="" pure="" t="" that="" was="" wasn="">
It was around 8:45 by the time we stopped at a sushi place - we figured sushi would be quick. I kept telling him that it wasn't a big deal if we were a little late, that it was just drinks. We were also right around the corner from the bar so I told him to tell his friends to come meet us - we could share a bottle of sake and then all walk back over to the bar together... I was trying to find a creative solution.

But he was just getting annoyed that I didn't think it was a big deal to be late - and then dinner wasn't fast enough - and then his friends were texting him all though dinner giving him crap about being late - and I was annoyed he was on his phone all through dinner - and then... right as were done with our meal - HE ORDERED ANOTHER BOTTLE OF SAKE!! WHAT!?!?!

So after all his whining about me making us late and then not caring about it - he made us later - and you know what he said...and I quote, "In for a penny, in for a pound." Ugh, I wanted to hit him. Not really. 

We finally got to the bar at 10, which, while it is pretty late, isn't terrible considering he was texting his friends all through dinner anyway - but it really sucked to have to keep hanging out all night. I honestly just wanted to go home. But after two more drinks I was drunk enough to forget that there was tension between us and ended up having a pretty good night, but we definitely had to talk about it the next day.

I ended up apologizing for not respecting the plans that he had made (in retrospect, I should have just sucked it up and eaten sh*tty bar food). And he apologized for blaming me for making us late - when it was defititely a team effort.

True to form, he did not break up with me over our first fight. (yay!) Granted it was a VERY minor fight but I am glad to have it out of the way - and have more insight into how we deal with conflict and resolution.

Ah ... back to relationship bliss. (for now).

#instagramofficial

...Somebody has a boyfriend...

Stats-
Name: Reuben
Age: 32
Height: 5'11"
Religion: Jewish
Occupation: Digital Media
Education: Ivy League (ding ding ding!)
Hometown: New Orleans, LA
Currently Resides: Hollywood
The Dates: So many good ones

(Did I hit the jackpot or what?)

First let me say - I am THE. WORST. Obviously I owe all my LOYAL readers a HUGE apology (cause there are SO many of you out there, right?). Seriously though, I don't have much of an excuse for walking away from this project for 7 months... I have certainly been doing my fair-share of dating in that time. My one and only Tinder story is the stuff of legends! (and obvs material for a later post) and more as a public shaming to myself - I love this project and I really should be more consistent.

So, back to the post at-hand... I have a boyfriend, y'all!

We have been together for a little over 3 months and I guess I'll have to tell our "getting together" story in reverse over the course of a few posts but most recently we went "official" with an instagram pic, which is kind of a big deal for a number of reasons...

1.  We work together

Dear HR, I knowingly and willingly enter into this consensual, adult, sexual relationship. Eeek!

2.  My ex refused to ever acknowledge our relationship on SM

Facebook was really the only social platform at that time and we never changed our status in the 2 years we were together; he was afraid it would negatively affect the audience of our band. He felt it was important that we always appear "available." What a dick. Oh the things that become SO CLEAR to us in hindsight. I would NEVER let anyone treat me like that now. Ugh.

3. Social media. Period.

Social media can cause so many problems in a relationship, the least of which is miscommunication and I would posit the most of which is the temptation to and/or straight up cheating. I went back through my blog to see if I had ever posted my personal policy on social media and dating and was SHOCKED that I hadn't written a post on it yet, SHOCKED, I tell you - especially because I wrote a "Rules of Singledom" post - I really dropped the ball on that one. 

So, guess what that means...?

BONUS BLOG: Social Media Etiquette When Dating 

I feel very strongly about this subject (side note: I feel very strongly about a lot of subjects which is what makes having a blog great!). The premise is very simple - You DO NOT become any form of social media friends with ANYONE you are dating until you are BOYFRIEND & GIRLFRIEND. PERIOD. Not just "exclusive" - but serious, ready to change your status, BF/GF.

Some FAQ's:

What about Following them on Twitter?: NO

What about Following on Instagram?: NO

How about becoming Facebook friends?: NO

How will I know what they are doing?: Ask them (a novel concept, I know)

What if I think they are lying?: Then they are probably not someone you should be dating

What about Snapchat?: OK, this is an exception to the rule, since it's not technically a network

Can I check their social networks: YES, this is totally allowed (from time-to-time) - it makes sense to vet people, check to see who you know in common (esp, when you are online dating, look at some pictures) but most people have plenty of information available publicly and you don't need to take the added step to make it "feed" into your consciousness. When you are not friends/following you have to take that extra step to look at their page - and if you do it too often - it really is a little like cyber-stalking, and that is unhealthy - you are awesome and have a life, stop cyber-stalking! :-) 

I do have some very good reasons for this policy - generally it's just that in the beginning stages, dating is just that, dating. Likely both of you are dating a couple different people - maybe you are in the process of wrapping up a casual thing, maybe he went out on a couple dates with another girl last month but decided he didn't like her that much, but may still want to sleep with her if he can - the point is, after one or two dates... who knows, amirite!?! Why torture yourself with the status update and the pictures and the et cetera. Just don't.

Then, as you start dating more often, you still don't want to know the things that you are being left out of - because it starts to hurt your feelings, right? When you are together, things are so great! But social media - it can derail an otherwise good thing. So, just say no.

In all honesty another good reason comes from an example of the ONE time in recent history that I broke my own rule and lived to regret it - it was with Parker - obviously. (Seriously, could that mini-relationship have been a better learning experience?) He was traveling abroad, so we decided to become Facebook friends before he left so that I could see his pictures and potentially "chat" through FB messenger while he was gone. So, the intention was good - but once we were FB friends we decided to follow each other on Instagram and so on...

Well, we all know how things worked out with Parker; they didn't. So what did I have to do? Defriend, unfollow.. Then I was all... When do I do that? Do I block him? How soon is too soon? I don't want to look dramatic and defriend him right away...but I don't want HIM to do it first. And on and on and on. So after I defriended and unfollowed and blocked the ONLY thing I could think was how immature and childish the whole thing made me feel. It left me with such a bad taste in my mouth that it just reconfirmed my policy to NEVER be social media anythings with anyone ever again until he was my boyfriend.

ENTER Reuben.

Giving What You Need to Someone Else

I got a random text tonight from a guy I have known since I was very young, Jake. It said...

Hey it's Jake. Hope your [sic] doing well. Just wanted to send some love your way.

It's interesting because I have been having one of those weeks, as I just said to my friend Maggie, that makes me feel like I am going to be single forever. Even though on the surface the text of the text was sweet, given the backstory of what happened between Jake and me, I wasn't going to reply, but then I realized that even though I didn't want to - in a weird way, it was probably what he needed, and so I wrote...

Hey Jake. Thanks for the note. Hope you're doing well.

I know you might be thinking that it sounded a little cold - but I am really hoping he doesn't take the opportunity to start up a dialogue, I just didn't want to ignore him because...being ignored sucks.

What happened between Jake and I is an interesting story - we went to elementary school together but I moved away after the 4th grade. Fast forward 20 years we randomly ran into each other at a bar in West Hollywood and with the help of having been friends on Facebook all these years, were able to recognize each other.

We started spending time together, as friends. Over a period of about three weeks, we spent a lot of time together and began to get really close (again, I stress, platonically) but then things took a strange and stressful turn. As it turns out, Jake is a diagnosed bipolar and was not taking his meds. He began to slip into a severe manic episode and refused to get help. He began to alienate his family and his friends - which, as it turns out, is why he was being so clingy with me.

When I sided with his family and friends and told him that he needed to get help he hit me with a barrage of messages telling me what a terrible person I am and that I am evil for the span of an entire day only to completely change his tune and tell me he loves me and call me endlessly the next day. I realized this was obviously all attributable to his illness but didn't respond to any of his messages - both the bad and the good - and chose to just cut him out of my life. (It seems harsh, but I had only reconnected with him three weeks prior, and as my mom told me, it was far from my responsibility to take this on).

He did call me to tell me he had voluntarily checked himself into a hospital to get help - and I was happy to hear that, but again, I had already made the decision to be done, so I didn't call him back. That is where things left off in March. I have no desire to invite Jake back into my life, but it's 7 months later and he's clearly still thinking about me.

I would be lying if I said that my decision to reply to Jake was entirely selfless...

It's been over 2 months since Parker broke things off with me. And as much as I wish I was and as humiliating as it is to admit, I'm not over it. I could go into the details of my inner monologue on whether or not I am really still hung up on him, the idea of him, or just the idea of a potential man in my life - the truth is, I'm not sure, but that's irrelevant to my point.

What is relevant is that he has completely ignored every attempt I have made to reach out to him, with one exception (the first time), since the day things ended. To me, that is so cold, and makes me feel really awful. Yes, I sent him kind of a crazy email, but in my defense I was really sad - and it wasn't mean-crazy, it was nice-crazy.

Two weeks ago when I finally got a job, (Side note: WOOT WOOT!!!) I sent him a text to let him know since we had talked SO much about it, and I didn't even get a cursory congrats text. I don't get it. Is he just going to pretend that I don't exist? It is so weird to me that he could just stop caring so completely, so quickly. I don't know why I keep trying - but I care if he still cares. I know it's a tad pathetic (especially because my facebook "recon" indicates he is already seeing someone else, of course). I need to accept a fact I so desperately want to disprove, but it's not gonna happen. The disproving part, I mean. I hope the acceptance part will happen sooner rather than later.

And so, it is because I have been hurt by this behavior so much, that I decided to give to Jake what Parker will never give to me: acknowledgement, compassion, closure.

It's making me feel better...for today.

When Being Single Is Fun

So I went out on Friday night with a bunch of my former classmates - we all met at a restaurant on the westside and then decided to do a little barhopping post sushi and sake-bombing.

Immediately when I walked into the bar and made my way over to the group I noticed a very cute, very tall gentleman and decided to strike up a conversation. He was from New Zealand and was very impressed that I was able to guess his accent. He was there with 3 of his very cute friends. We all spent the evening playing giant Jenga, drinking and dancing, and eventually decided to get some late night food. (I simply can not resist diners or texmex late at night - we ate the former).

So...one of Mr. Kiwi's friends was very, very cute...and much more my type. I don't know if it was something abour Mr. Kiwi holding him back or maybe he noticed me sneaking glances at his friend - but he KEPT asking me what I thought of his friend, Penn. (Oh yes, Penn and Penny, I can hear the jokes being written now). I asked why he was so curious and pushing his friend on me - if maybe he had a girlfriend, or wasn't interested - but he never gave me a straight answer... So when it came time to decide whether I was going to go eat, I played a little switcheroo game. (hehe ;-). I told Penn that Mr. Kiwi kept saying I should be interested in him and asking me what I thought of him and I was curious why that was... this, of course, immediately sparked Penn's interest in me and he insisted we go to the diner. He also walked the 10 blocks with me while the rest of the group drove over.

During our walk we talked a bit about family and business - and just generally had a really nice conversation. Right before we got to the diner he stopped me and kissed me very sweetly and asked if he could get my number before we rejoined the group. I gave it to him (naturally). Fast forward to the end of the night and Mr. Kiwi walked me back to my car and kissed me goodnight too! (Color me the kissing slut of the weekend). When I got home, it was Penn who had sent a text making sure I had gotten home okay. (As you may know from previous posts, this is something I really like when men do). I told him I did.

On Saturday - my friend Zooey invited me over to her apartment to "hang out." When I walked in, it became immediately obvious to me that it was a set-up because there was a very attractive man sitting in the living room drinking wine with Zooey's boyfriend Brandon. (Over the years, I have dated several guys with his same name, so let's just call him, Number 8). Well - Number 8 and I got along swimmingly. After killing a bottle of wine, we all decided to go get more drinks at a fancy hotel in Beverly Hills called the SLS. (We may or may not have also added some more earthy-type drugs to the evening's festivities, maybe...). Fast forward to Number 8 and I having a slumber party on the living room floor of Zooey and Brandon's apartment and staying up until dawn talking and laughing - and getting a bit heavy. (i.e. he is still not over his ex of 1 year who broke up with him "out of the blue" 3 months ago - I knew all this, but it was nice that he told me).

Later in the day, Number 8 invited me over to his place to hang out and have a chill night, since our previous night was slightly less than chill.  I ended up staying over at his place and we walked and got coffee in the morning - he even respected my wanting to move slowly physically. Everything went really well until one of his dogs bit my dog. He was mortified and I tried not to make him feel bad - but it will be a looong time until I want to bring my baby around his again. If ever.

Then, last night, I got a text from my friend Kenny. I don't think I have mentioned Kenny before and he definitely deserves his own post - but he has been, and is, such a great support-system-slash-brother-type-slash-emotional-boyfriend-slash-occacional-hookup.  (That last part is something that only happened the first night we met - and post-Parker in a moment of vulnerability). But he told me he missed me. And I liked it because I haven't seen him in two weeks and I miss him too. It's nice to know someone is thinking about me - and I like the honestly.

I almost forgot that attention from a bunch of different guys can feel pretty good and this whole dating thing doesn't have to be so serious all the time.

Please, Don't Say This To Me

Sometimes when I talk about what it's like to be "out there" in the dating scene, in LA in particular, or being single, in general, people try to offer me their sage words of wisdom. For the most part, I appreciate it because I obviously wouldn't be talking to them if I didn't have at least some amount of respect for them - but lately I feel as though their advice is getting a little repetitive and borderline insensitive. Here are some of the tidbits I could do without ever hearing again...

• "Focus On Yourself" - Um, what do you think I have been doing for the past 20-some-odd years of my life? I have a freakin' master's degree, a badass apartment with non-Ikea, grown-up furniture, I own my car, I workout regularly, I can cook, I have managed to keep a dog alive for over 5 years (and she's well-trained too, btw), I have good taste in music...what else about myself should I focus on? I mean, I guess I could lose those last 5 vanity pounds, but can't everyone really? And who wants to date a girl who refuses to eat a burger or drink beer? - I don't even want to date someone who wants to date someone like that... And life's too short... so what's left? 

• "Don't Settle For Just Anyone (Wait For the Right One)" - Obviously I am not going to settle. I have waited this long, looked that hard, kissed too many frogs, what's a little more waiting, looking and kissing? But, at this point I know what I want, so I am better at vetting potential suitors and they stopped getting through the door a long time ago if they were candidates I would be settling for. So I'm probably going to get super excited about the new guy I'm dating and the next one I date and I'll want to get serious right away - it doesn't mean I'm lonely and ready to "settle" it just means I'm ready.

• "Stop Looking (That's When You'll Find Him)" - This is the most infuriating one. I'd like to go down to the unemployment office and pitch this one to them as their new slogan..."Hey y'all, you should just start telling people to stop looking for work and a job will fall in their lap!...ATTENTION EVERYONE! Just go home...you are wasting your time here, because it's only once you stop looking, that you'll get what you need." I'll tell you what would happen, I would be propmptly escorted off the premisis because this concept is preposterous. Preposterous, I tell you!

In case you are wondering...here are the things you should say to me when I am complaining to you about being single and how hard it is to meet a guy:

• You are amazing. You know it, I know it - and the right guy for you is going to know it too.
• Don't worry you'll find him; you could meet him tomorrow...
• Hey, I have a friend I can set you up with! (Caution: do not do this unless said friend is tall, handsome and actually a good match - just because we're both single doesn't mean it's going to work).

...just sayin'

The 5 Stages of A Break-up

For those who don't know, there is a well known psychological theory (or is it proven?...I'm not sure, I think all things psychological are probably always theories, right?) published by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross about the 5 Stages of Grief one goes through when confronting the idea of your own mortality (i.e. if you've just recieved a terminal diagnosis). It goes a little something like this:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Well, this got me thinking about how I deal with breakups and that they are their own form of loss - obviously not as serious as facing death (obviously.)- but depending on the depth and breadth of a particular relationship, (and in our own dramatic fairy-tale land) it can certainly feel that way sometimes...

BUT - when coping with a breakup, I think the order is somewhat different, at least it is for me -I think it goes a little something like this:

1. Denial - this is when you usually think that it's not really over. That he was acting or reacting irrationally and that he will call or text or swing by and tell you how sorry he is... you might might even call or send your own text (or, ahem, texts) trying to get him to talk things over again - like you are still in a relationship, even though you're not.

2. Depression - when said phone call, text, random drop-by never happens (or your own attempts are rejected) - this is when the crying usually starts. (An important note: This stage is not defined by tears because crying is not exclusive to this stage of the process - depending on the relationship and the kind of person you are, I submit that crying may be present in Stages 1, 2 and 3) This is likely when you blame yourself for being terrible at relationships, think of everything you did wrong, don't want to be social, watch The Notebook and/or listen Ani DiFranco - and depending on the kind of person you are, you either gain some weight by eating a bunch of junk food or lose weight by sleeping a lot and not eating much at all. (Thank goodness I am the latter). The sad truth is, this stage can last a long time if you let it...I sunk in for about a month (if not longer) with my ex. Don't let it.

3. Anger (or as I like to call it: The Lightbulb Stage) - after you have gone over every conversation in your head and reviewed most of the text messages on your phone (come on, be honest, that's why we all save them...) you soon realize that - (lightbulb!) he was a jerk, "just not that into you", it was all is fault, you should have seen it sooner, you're way too good for him, or whatever other epiphany you have, after having gone over and over things a million times and examined them from every angle, that snaps you out of the depression stage. This is also likely when you'll defriend, unfollow, block, delete numbers, photos, emails, and any other records of your relationship that remind you of being happy together and/or make it easy for you to see him find happiness with someone else.

4. Bargaining - some people never go here (if you are one of those people, PLEASE tell me your secret), and I used to not (in my younger days), but now I always seem to... this is when you try to get back together. It's quite possible you will send an embarassing email or try to bump into him in places you think he'll be, or as I did with my ex a few years ago just casually put feelers out for "catch up" session. Best case scenario, this will work temporarily. But it will almost certainly end again and when that happens you'll just end up back at Stage 1. (In my experience - unless the "Breaker" decides they want to get back with the "Breakee" it is not a scenario that will workout long-term. Feel free to try and prove me wrong, and good luck to you, in all sincerity).

5. Acceptance - the way I have recently learned to channel the failure of my bargaining attempts, is to catapult me into acceptance. There is only so much you can put yourself through, right? How many times can you tell someone how you feel, put yourself out there, try to work it out, and keep getting told that's not enough - by the same person? Eventually you start to realize you deserve someone who appreciates you, everything you have to offer and wants to give you that in return. And suddenly everything starts to be okay.

I Wasn't Going to Admit This...

I did something pretty dumb just now. I keep telling myself there is no room for pride in love, so I sucked it up and especially given that Jack blew me off, decided to go for one last-ditch effort to try and save things with Parker. (Shameful, I know...and you best believe I will not be telling ANYONE in my real life for fear of ridicule and general mockery).

After reading several "Get your man back" articles, that basically all say the same things:
1. Cut off all contact
2. Work on yourself
3. Once you look good/feel good do a soft "reach out"
4. Catch up
5. Wait for him to follow-up
6. Play games (i.e. be really busy and withhold sex)
Blah, blah, blah...

I finally came across an article that said not to waste time and leave things up to chance but to rewind the relationship and remind him about all the reasons he fell for you in the first place... so I spent the day composing a cheeky email took a deep breath and hit send. If he rejects this, it will truly be the end and I can say I tried my best.

This is what it said (some of these are obviously inside jokes):

Dear Parker,

I just wanted to remind you of some of the reasons why you might be missing me (It would be totally cool with me if any or all of these are true, just throwing that out there)...;-)

We practically closed down the bar the first night we met and I liked you so much I didn't even hold it against you that you didn't walk me to my car, I can kick your ass in a drinking game, I taught you how to dirty text, you know what they say about jewish girls...;-), you can talk to me about anything (including, but not limited to, complaining about your sick travel buddy or discussing what you want to do next with your life), I love music as much as you do, I am a known playlist muse, I can admit when you're right (re: the Santa Monica stairs incident of July 2013), you don't know anyone else who says "y'all" with my panache and I never ask you to say "park the car in Harvard Yard," I like to fall asleep with the TV on too, I'm an adventurous eater and am always huungry, I appreciate your cooking skills and the fact that you go to two different grocery stores and the farmer's market to do all your shopping (because you don't f*ck around ;-), I'm a go-getter (you might find it a little annoying right now, but I hope you appreciate that I recognize a good thing and ya know, go get it), Cooper misses Pepper (don't be mad but he snuck out and told me) he said she makes him feel like a puppy again, you think I'm hot (hopefully)...except for my nose, fingers and toes that are always cold, or when I'm freezing and wearing two jackets and a scarf (but hopefully I'm still pretty cute all bundled up), Tipsy Park always really wants me. in his bed. right. bow. I mean now., I fit perfectly in your arms when we cuddle, your hands miss my body (okay, that one might be me projecting), but who else can fall asleep on top of each other? (seriously though), and I make you laugh (at least I think this probably got a few "ha"s out of you)...

Oh yeah, and I miss you. (like whoa). :-)

How about we just have a drink and see...?

- Penny 

That last line took me FOREVER to write. I left it at "see..." because I wanted to imply it could mean anything: see eachother, see what happens, see where it goes, see if you do miss me, see if there is still something there. Just see.

I haven't gotten a response yet. But I sent it an hour ago and I can see that he's still online...so at least he's probably mulling it over...

Even I am biting my nails to see how this one turns out.

UPDATE Tuesday, August 27, 2013 8:33 am:

He didn't respond to the email. I guess that's all the answer I needed, and quite frankly, better than a mean answer or one where he tells me never to contact him again. If he didn't respond to my adorable email, he clearly never felt about me the way I felt about him - which I should have gleaned from the fact that he broke. up. with. me. (duh.) but I am hard-headed and have to learn my lessons my own way and on my own time-frame. Oh yeah, and he unfollowed me on Instagram. And here I thought I had nothing more to lose...