Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Deep Dark October

First, I must apologize for not posting for so long. I've been a bit of a mess. (Actually, I think calling it a "bit" is a "major" understatement).

I have been really struggling with this breakup, again. And I hesitated to post because I was (am) afraid that most of what I have to say is not very positive or funny as the title of my blog would indicate. In fact, it's mostly negative and heartbreaking. But, I guess true heartbreak is an "Adventure in Dating" just not one I recommend pursuing.

For the past two weeks, I have been walking around feeling a lot better. I thought I had accepted that he and I were over and I really thought I was ready to be friends. I was pursuing a friendly relationship with him, emailing him articles I knew he would think were funny and texting when I had seen a great concert I know he would have liked...

We were friends before we started dating and I wanted to get some of that back. Because more than I missed the physical parts of our relationship, I missed our friendship.

I thought things were going pretty well (as I so often seem to do with him, only to later be proven very very wrong). He was not responding to every single one of my messages, but mostly all of them, in a relatively timely fashion. I didn't take it personally because I thought it was hard for him too...this whole break up thing.

He texted me last week to say he had a shirt I had lent him (I had given it to him, but whatever) and did I want it back? I said I thought he wanted it but if he was going to get rid of it, then yes, I would take it back. Plus he also had another t-shirt, some expensive facial sunscreen, and a tupperware of mine, could he bring that too? He said he wasn't going to mention the tupperware, but sure he'd bring it.

He came over last night to drop the stuff off. And truth be told, I really wanted to see him. It's been since we broke up (for the LAST time) on September18th that we have seen eachother. (SIDE NOTE: I should have known better). I invited him in to chat. We caught up about what's going on in our lives. I asked him how his Halloween weekend was and he said it was fun. He went out "big" on Thursday and Friday and took it easy on Saturday and Sunday. He told me he dressed as the Mad Hatter on Thursday. Then I made my mistake...I said...

"Oh, cool. Did anyone else dress up with you?"

He said, "Yes, I had an Alice."

"Oh," I said, "You had an Alice?"

"Yes," he said, "I have and Alice. It was a planned thing. That's why the dropping off of the stuff is happening."

I said I was surprised, and that I was happy for him. And then said, "Wait, no I'm not."
He tried to make a little more polite conversation after that, but I just wanted him to leave. I think I am mostly mad that I gave him the satisfaction of seeing my face when he told me. He must have seen all the color drain from my face and the internal struggle that took place to hold back the tears. He left a few minutes later without much fanfare. He said goodbye and didn't look back. I closed the door and locked it.

So here I am, now unable to even be friends with him and so angry at myself for LITERALLY opening the door for him to hurt me again. I have no clue why he felt the need to hurt me again, I never hurt him and I certainly didn't deserve it. I KNOW this guy is a selfish, manipulative jerk, that he came over to my house with the purpose of telling me he was seeing someone just to make sure I still had feelings for him, and I should hate him. All of this I know. In my head.

Now I just have to wait for my heart to catch up. And the incident last night has definitely set me back some. It definitely hurts that he was so quick to move on from me, it makes me feel like what we had wasn't as special as I believed it to be. But I need to confront all these things, I need to realize that moving on is what's best for me, and even though it feels like a step backward, maybe it will propel me forward several steps knowing we are truly, truly, in the truest sense of the word, done.

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