What's so interesting and convenient about writing about the progression of a relationship is the ability to go back and read about it later. Obviously I have been spending the last few days obsessing over Parker so I went back and read some of my old posts about the beginning of our so-called relationship.
It's easy to idealize something once it's gone, particularly when it is taken away from you by no choice of your own. I must admit I have been guilty of that over the past few days - I keep thinking, F*ck, I really screwed the pooch on this one. He was paper-perfect and made sure I got home safely every night, etc. etc. - and I keep blaming myself (as we women tend to do) for what happened. But the fact is, I stood up for myself because I wasn't getting what I needed from him and I was mad. And if he cared about me, he would have cared to work it out and make sure I was happy and secure, he wouldn't have just been looking at the relationship from his perspective. So clearly he also played a part in the relationship's demise as well.
While I kept thinking that the weirdness between us and the fact that he was keeping me at arm's length started when he got back from his trip - when I read back over what I had wrote, I realized it started almost from the very beginning. Remember how I thought he was acting weird right after the first time we fooled around? And remember how I was suspicious of him not inviting me to his birthday party? I talked myself out of all of those feelings because he SAID all the right things. I rationalized away the warning signs I was feeling because I liked him, and gave him the benefit of the doubt because the communication was constant. And for a while, that felt like enough - and I know for him it continued to be enough. But actions betray true intentions. And as my mom said, you can text from the bathroom.
I know that I have the tendency to want to jump into things very quickly. (That's not a good thing - I need to figure out how to pump my own breaks before I scare away everyone). It's because I idealize the notion of love. But I also do think that in order to move forward, two people need to spend quality time together. I will forever think it is weird that he continued to prioritize time with his friends over time with me. Despite the fact that we had only been dating for 2 months.
I've more than acknowledged my mistakes on this one and every day gets a little better and I forgive myself a little more. Breakups are their own journey; you discover new things about yourself, learn, grown and try to do better (and find someone better) next time.
Plus, I already have a date tonight! He seems really cute... we all know how that goes... oy.
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