Catfishing

Do y'all watch that show on MTV about the people who fall in love over the internet or via text but have never met the person in real life? You've at least heard of it right? Hopefully you've at least heard of Manti Te'o...

Well the story usually ends up the same - one person keeps making up excuses for why they can't meet up or facetime (not everyone in the world can afford and iPhone, I know) or whatever else would confirm their identity in some way and when they eventually do meet - they find out they've been using a fake identity the whole time and the other party is emotionally crushed.

Now, I usually think to myelf, what an idiot! How could they have possibly developed such strong feelings for someone just through IMing and text? Are they really trying to convince me they are broken-hearted right now?

Here's the thing though - since Parker has been gone, we have been talking every day, at least twice sometimes three times a day through a messenger app, or Facebook - and I honestly can say my feelings are getting so much stronger for him every time we talk. It's as if the distance between us is forcing us to really get to know each other by talking instead of falling into the sex haze which is what usually happens at this point in a good relationship.

Even though ours is very different than a typical catfishing situation - namely because we've already met - I think I might understand how you can fall for someone in cyberspace and develop real feelings.

It sounds weird to say, but even with Parker practically on the other side of the world, I feel like our relationship has still been moving forward - and so have our feelings. We had an amazing conversation this morning that made me feel the closest to him than I have felt since we met; physically he is the furthest away he has been since we met. I think that's pretty cool.

PS - If you didn't see this week's episode of Catfish on MTV, it is a MUST WATCH even if you have never seen the show before. (Click Here to see it).

How Close is Too Close?

Remember how I mentioned that Parker's ex was still in his life? Remember how I said I was a little threatened by it, but he said he had no intention of getting back with her and that it made me feel better but I still couldn't help but be threatened? Yeah...

So - he's in a different country and our communication is very limited. We talk every so often and he tells me he is missing me which I appreciate so much, because I miss him too...and that makes me feel really special. These are all good things.

BUT, here's the bad thing I can't really get out of my head...I'm pretty sure he's talking to his ex too, which makes me feel unspecial. The only reason I suspect this is because she is looking after his dog, and I know that I would be in communication with the person looking after my dog - OR, if I were her and still had feelings for him (which woman's intuition tells me is the case, especially based on the specific details of their breakup story) I would be using the whole dog-thing as an excuse to talk to him while he's away too. (Good move, ex-gf, good move. If you weren't my competition, I would have mad respect for your tactics).

1. I mean first and foremost, she's watching his freakin' dog! Come on. That's kind of ridiculous, considering he has a roommate. But, okay, a dog is a living being that needs to be cared for and he knows she cares second only to him at thins point, so I get it from a "parental perspective." (If this continues to happen once he and I make it official, we might have problems).

2. Also, he just helped her move despite the fact that she is supposedly seeing a new guy. Hmmm...curious. If you had a new man, why would your ex-man be the one to help you move? Don't think too long...the answer is, he wouldn't. Friends or not.

3. Thirdly, and this is totally nit-picky but kinda bothered me. I went out of my way to post a really cute message on his Facebook wall at midnight on his birthday despite the time difference - and he "liked" it. (Yay!) Then when all the hundreds, yes hundreds, of other messages came rolling in on U.S. time he didn't "like" or reply to any of them, so I was super flattered. Except one. Ex-gf's message. He "liked" hers too. (Not yay. Unyay).

He was very upfront with me about their continued friendship - and I get that a 3+ year relationship creates a strong bond that doesn't go away just because the romance does, especially because they stayed in each other's lives. But now, in thinking back to our conversation about them, he said to me, "we realized we're better off as 'best friends.'" He didn't say regular friends, he said "best." The thing is, whether it ends up being Parker or not, I want my lover to be my best friend. So regardless of if there is any continued romantic interest between the two of them - if she still occupies that space in his life, the best friend space, then what space does that leave for him to build that with someone else? Namely, me?...

So far he has been saying and doing all the right things, but these days that is pretty easy from the other side of  the world. So, he is going to be moving about a week after he gets back from his trip. For me, I think a big indicator will be if he asks me to help him move, if he asks her or if he asks both of us. If he asks me, then he is as serious about me as he says he is. If he asks her, there is "trouble in River City" (as my mom used to say) and I will probably have to say something analagous to what I wrote above about the whole If she occupies your "best friend space," then what space is there for someone else? And if he asks both of us and we get to meet, I will definitely know they are in the friend zone (from his side). But, see item #2 above...it would be kinda weird, right? (I'll also get to see if my suspicions are true about her still having feelings for him and if she is actually nice to me. He insists she will be...mm hm -- that's my skeptical mm hm. Nice = friend zone, Fake-Nice or Straight Bitchy = still in love). Only 30 more days until I find out....

A Departure and My Return

Sorry I've been MIA - I needed a little bit of a break...plus now with the dating bender suspended indefinitely, my life is just not interesting enough to entertain y'all with new stories every day. ;-)

I know I said I was going to try to keep dating, particularly once Parker had left on his trip...but it is really hard to care about meeting up with someone who I know is not going to be 1/10th as awesome as the guy I am seeing - and the one dating site that I still have my profile on really sucks! (Oh, did I mention that Parker took down his profile too!?!) :-D

I think I am just a monagomous person by nature - which I was trying to change with the whole dating bender thing, but I guess you can't escape your nature...I really hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the a**. Then again, I guess I can just date bend again.

That being said...I'm back now, and here's what's been going on since I last posted:

Last I left you, I was feeling a bit anxious about Parker not inviting me to his (potential) birthday party and I wasn't sure if I had the right to be upset and/or if I should go through with my plans to do something special for him to celebrate with him separately. Here's how everything went down:

At around 6, Parker sent me a text asking if he could come over earlier than we had planned because he decided not to go to his friend's birthday party. (Yay, points for him!) I told him of course that would be okay. I had already decided I was going to go through with my plans for him. Since he has been constantly surprising me with how cool and sweet he is, I just had to trust that he is different than the guys in my past and ignore the fear. "Eff You, Fear!" Haha. But, seriously I kind of really did have to say that in my head. When he got to my place I had baked him his favorite cookies (he had mentioned them in passing on our second or third date) and I brought them out of the kitchen with a candle...he was really flattered that I remembered about the cookies. (Yay, points for me!)

We decided to rent a movie and just stay in (read: pretty much spend the whole night naked). We had to revisit the subject of "the decision" of whether or not to have sex and even though it was nearly impossible to hold out - we both agreed that we should wait to make it official until he gets back from his trip. (My personal Rules of Singledom dictate that he doesn't get the proverbial cookie (because I baked him actual cookies, hehe) unless we are exclusive to each other. (SIDE NOTE: That doesn't mean we have the Boyfriend/Girlfriend titles...to me, that is a very distinct and separate conversation...but there I go, digressing again...) But, on a positive note we also agreed that we were definitely going in that direction. I just didn't think it smart to become exclusive after 2 weeks of dating and then be separated for a longer period of time than we've known each other... to me, there is no rush when, as all signs point to, this could be something really long-lasting. He agrees.

I gave him his actual birthday present in the morning - a little token to carry with him on his travels to remind him of me. And I gave him a third surpise present that he can think about on his travels to remind him of me too...IF you know what I mean (wink, wink). As we were pillow-talking in the morning, I finally got up the guts to ask him about his party and he assured me that it was really a boys night and very casual. He said he has no reason to hide me, especially since I have already met most of his friends. Phewf! I feel so much better!

Communication 2, Immaturity 0 ;-)

The best part was - the next night, after being with his buddies for a few hours - he called me and told me that he just wanted to spend the rest of the night with me anyway, since he was leaving the next day for his trip. So I went over and slept at his place that night and I took him to the airport in the morning... It's only been a couple days and I miss him already! Luckily we have been able to chat a little bit with one of those International messenger apps. So yeah, things with Parker are going really well!

Guess what else happened...? Dylan sent a text. Did I call it or what? This is what it said:

"Hey Penny. How was your 4th of July? Let me know if you want to grab dinner tomorrow or Sunday? :-)"

So I replied:

"Hey Dylan, I had a great holiday, thanks! I hope you did too! Dinner on Sunday works for me - what did you have in mind?"

Can you guess what happened next? ...I bet you can... he's a predictable one, that Dylan. That's right. Nothing. WTMEF?!?! This guy can't be serious. If he ever dares to text me again, I am going to tell him to lose my number.

But that reminds me...I hope y'all had very happy holiday weekends too!

I'm going to try to figure out a regular posting schedule over the next couple weeks, but for the immediate future I'll be posting kinda randomly (but at least a few times a week). So check back regularly or better yet, follow the blog to get notifications when a new post goes up!

Rights & Responsibilities

Parker's birthday is going to fall on one of the days that he is going to be out of town - so it would make sense that he would want to celebrate it before he left, right? I would think so.

Here's the thing...as far as he thinks I know, he hasn't planned anything.

He has an older brother who lives here that he told me he doesn't see very often since they are so different. (His brother is very "Hollywood" and he, as we know, is a teacher). I told him I thought that was kind of sad (he said it really disappoints his mom too - SIDE NOTE: opportunity for future Brownie Points with Parker's mom if I get them to spend more time together :-), but that they have been better lately and have seen each other at least once a month recently and that "I am going to see him again next week at my..." and then he trailed of and said "I mean, I am going to see him before I leave."

So, what do I think he was going to say? I think he was going to say, "...at my Birthday Party." And that meant 1) That I am clearly not invited and 2) That he was lying to me about it.

But that was our second date - and since then we have talked every day - we say good morning and goodnight to each other, have been out 2 more times, have gotten naked, are going to again tonight ;-), and you should see the drunk texts I got from him this weekend...so you would think things might have changed.

But they haven't, and the birthday party evidence keeps piling up...

He originally told me he was going to a birthday dinner with his brother and his wife tonight and then his "buddies" were going to take him out tomorrow. So he planned to come over tonight after dinner, because he really wanted to see me before he left (he didn't invite me to dinner, obviously). So making casual conversation last night, I asked them where they were going to dinner and he told me he canceled because it was his friend's birthday and he had to go to that instead. Excuse me, what? I was totally willing to play second fiddle to brother and I also understood why it would be weird if I was included in dinner, but why am I waiting around for you to go to a birthday party? And why can't I go with you to that?

So I asked him if his brother and his wife were upset that he canceled and he said no, he was just going to see them the next night. I asked, "Oh, I thought that was boys night." And he said, "Oh... they're just going to stop by for a bit." Yeah, they.

And that's when I knew for sure - "Boys night" is not boys night it's his plain ol' birthday party. (As I originally suspected). I actually don't think he was ever planning to go to a separate dinner with his brother - I think he just freaked out and had to tell me something and then had to revise his lie later. I'm not even mad, I just feel sad and a little stupid. I also feel even worse because I had planned a little something for him tonight and now I am not sure what I should do...I don't want to put myself out there any more that I already have.

I mean, it sucks to not be included. But it sucks even more to be lied to. (I will say, that knowing Parker, I don't think he is lying to be malicious, I think he is lying to protect my feelings...but I'm not dumb and figured out that he's having a party and that hurts - plus he has a billion friends, I can't imagine them letting him get away with not celebrating). I think I would feel less bad if he just told me about it and explained why he decided not to invite me - like maybe his ex is hosting and it would make her feel uncomfortable. As annoying as that would be, at least that would make sense. Or maybe he just thinks it's too soon; that would sting a little but at least it would be honest and then I would know for sure where I stand.

What do y'all think? Do I have a right to be upset about not being invited to his party? And if I'm not even included in his birthday plans should I take on the responsibility of making our own little celebration or should I forget to give him the present I bought?

I think I am just going to ask him about it tonight...

Some Rules of Singledom

Being single in your mid-to-late 20's is a different animal than in your early 20's...

When you are 21 and single, you are looking to party, live life, gain experience, do things you've never done before, live life to the fullest...and date the bad boy...oh, the bad boys... Having been that type of 21 year-old, I know that life all too well, and yet now, as I enter a different stage of my life, I feel like I did all those things I wanted to do. I have long felt comfortable with the thought of moving on to the "couple" phase of my life knowing that I fulfilled my single dreams, acted on whims, was appropriately selfish when the situation called for it, and just generally didn't worry that I ever missed out on anything I would have wanted to do. All of the items on my list of life experiences that I still want now have a "we" or "us" in front of them and I truly feel I'm ready for that.

So, what happens when you are ready to move on from your single life and yet still can't seem to find yourself in a fulfilling, committed relationship? Well, you just decide to love your life anyway. Sucks, don't it? ;-)

I don't claim to have all the answers, I'm not a therapist or a certified expert, and in general, I'm not trying to espouse dating advice. But, I do have life experience and I've always thought of myself and been told by friends and family that I'm good at being single. (Let me tell you how happy I am that I can count that among my many skills...yeah, not so much) Seriously though, I have always taken it as a compliment in that they think I am a strong independent woman who doesn't need a man, and they are right. (Although I certainly do want one).

That being said, here are some dating tips, (I think it’s pretty good life advice too) that have gotten me though, help me to remain happy, positive, and confident, and most importantly, keep me from settling.

Get a hobby (or multiple hobbies)

For me this has been essential and I have channeled a lot of my extra time and energy into Yoga. I have found it to be the perfect combination of exercise and spirituality and it probably saves me a ton of money on therapy, haha. Yoga is not for everyone, just find your own thing (and if you can find something physical the added bonus is a rockin' body, woot woot!)

I also do art projects - sometimes it takes days, sometimes it will take weeks, but I am able to let my apartment transform into a messy art studio and in the end I have something physical to show for it. I hang my work on my walls and have put end tables next to my couch - right now I am working on a medicine cabinet. If I had a boyfriend, there is no way he would be cool with coming home to an "exploded" apartment for 2 weeks while I "create." Yay for being single!

Know your value

I find that so many women spend so much time trying to impress the guy - that we as women feel it is our obligation earn the man's affections and we put them up on a pedestal. STOP! We are the prize!! Let him win you; let him earn you. Think of everything you have to offer - maybe you are dedicated to your children, or a perfect 10 model (in which case I hate you a little...), or charitable with your time and money...look for the things about yourself that you admire and that other people admire about you and find the inner strength to know that those qualities make you a valuable commodity - and don't just give that away to anyone.

I personally think I am the total package (if I do say so myself) but that is because I am MY version of the total package, as in, I reflect the type of things I look for in a partner. I am relatively healthy; I work out, kinda watch what I eat (except for some late nights when I stop at Taco Bell on the way home, which is probably why I'll forever be a size 6 rather than a 4 - but I'm cool with it ;-), have diverse interests, have a good sense of humor, and am well educated. Feeling good about myself and deciding to like my life has kept me from jumping into a relationship with someone simply because I want a relationship and instead makes me realize I have the right to wait for the perfect yin to my yang.

Know your values

One little "S" makes all the difference. This one is not about settling for someone who is not deserving of you, but about not compromising yourself while being a single gal living it up. Whatever you decide are your dating values - I just suggest that you don't compromise them for anyone or you will usually regret it (take it from someone who knows...).

As you may have gathered from some of my posts, personally I wait a while to sleep with guys, as in, I decided to take a page from the Patti Stanger handbook and hold out on sex until "monogamy." Don't get me wrong, I was not always this way (particularly in the above-mentioned early-20s) and I most certainly don't judge women who don't abide this philosphy. But for me, this is what works.

I played at being a bad girl for far too long and found myself getting hurt way too often when a guy wouldn't call the next day. Even recently, I slipped up once and slept with someone too soon and when he disappeared, it was devastating, because he didn't know what a big deal it was that I had given myself to him, and I had compromised myself for someone who turned out to be unworthy. So again, you decide your personal dating rules, stick to them and you'll feel a lot more confident as a single girl (and men love confidence).

I'm sure there are plenty more where these came from but this is all I've got this morning.

Let me know in the comments if you like posts like this or if you'd rather I stick to storytelling! :-)