Giving What You Need to Someone Else

I got a random text tonight from a guy I have known since I was very young, Jake. It said...

Hey it's Jake. Hope your [sic] doing well. Just wanted to send some love your way.

It's interesting because I have been having one of those weeks, as I just said to my friend Maggie, that makes me feel like I am going to be single forever. Even though on the surface the text of the text was sweet, given the backstory of what happened between Jake and me, I wasn't going to reply, but then I realized that even though I didn't want to - in a weird way, it was probably what he needed, and so I wrote...

Hey Jake. Thanks for the note. Hope you're doing well.

I know you might be thinking that it sounded a little cold - but I am really hoping he doesn't take the opportunity to start up a dialogue, I just didn't want to ignore him because...being ignored sucks.

What happened between Jake and I is an interesting story - we went to elementary school together but I moved away after the 4th grade. Fast forward 20 years we randomly ran into each other at a bar in West Hollywood and with the help of having been friends on Facebook all these years, were able to recognize each other.

We started spending time together, as friends. Over a period of about three weeks, we spent a lot of time together and began to get really close (again, I stress, platonically) but then things took a strange and stressful turn. As it turns out, Jake is a diagnosed bipolar and was not taking his meds. He began to slip into a severe manic episode and refused to get help. He began to alienate his family and his friends - which, as it turns out, is why he was being so clingy with me.

When I sided with his family and friends and told him that he needed to get help he hit me with a barrage of messages telling me what a terrible person I am and that I am evil for the span of an entire day only to completely change his tune and tell me he loves me and call me endlessly the next day. I realized this was obviously all attributable to his illness but didn't respond to any of his messages - both the bad and the good - and chose to just cut him out of my life. (It seems harsh, but I had only reconnected with him three weeks prior, and as my mom told me, it was far from my responsibility to take this on).

He did call me to tell me he had voluntarily checked himself into a hospital to get help - and I was happy to hear that, but again, I had already made the decision to be done, so I didn't call him back. That is where things left off in March. I have no desire to invite Jake back into my life, but it's 7 months later and he's clearly still thinking about me.

I would be lying if I said that my decision to reply to Jake was entirely selfless...

It's been over 2 months since Parker broke things off with me. And as much as I wish I was and as humiliating as it is to admit, I'm not over it. I could go into the details of my inner monologue on whether or not I am really still hung up on him, the idea of him, or just the idea of a potential man in my life - the truth is, I'm not sure, but that's irrelevant to my point.

What is relevant is that he has completely ignored every attempt I have made to reach out to him, with one exception (the first time), since the day things ended. To me, that is so cold, and makes me feel really awful. Yes, I sent him kind of a crazy email, but in my defense I was really sad - and it wasn't mean-crazy, it was nice-crazy.

Two weeks ago when I finally got a job, (Side note: WOOT WOOT!!!) I sent him a text to let him know since we had talked SO much about it, and I didn't even get a cursory congrats text. I don't get it. Is he just going to pretend that I don't exist? It is so weird to me that he could just stop caring so completely, so quickly. I don't know why I keep trying - but I care if he still cares. I know it's a tad pathetic (especially because my facebook "recon" indicates he is already seeing someone else, of course). I need to accept a fact I so desperately want to disprove, but it's not gonna happen. The disproving part, I mean. I hope the acceptance part will happen sooner rather than later.

And so, it is because I have been hurt by this behavior so much, that I decided to give to Jake what Parker will never give to me: acknowledgement, compassion, closure.

It's making me feel better...for today.

When Being Single Is Fun

So I went out on Friday night with a bunch of my former classmates - we all met at a restaurant on the westside and then decided to do a little barhopping post sushi and sake-bombing.

Immediately when I walked into the bar and made my way over to the group I noticed a very cute, very tall gentleman and decided to strike up a conversation. He was from New Zealand and was very impressed that I was able to guess his accent. He was there with 3 of his very cute friends. We all spent the evening playing giant Jenga, drinking and dancing, and eventually decided to get some late night food. (I simply can not resist diners or texmex late at night - we ate the former).

So...one of Mr. Kiwi's friends was very, very cute...and much more my type. I don't know if it was something abour Mr. Kiwi holding him back or maybe he noticed me sneaking glances at his friend - but he KEPT asking me what I thought of his friend, Penn. (Oh yes, Penn and Penny, I can hear the jokes being written now). I asked why he was so curious and pushing his friend on me - if maybe he had a girlfriend, or wasn't interested - but he never gave me a straight answer... So when it came time to decide whether I was going to go eat, I played a little switcheroo game. (hehe ;-). I told Penn that Mr. Kiwi kept saying I should be interested in him and asking me what I thought of him and I was curious why that was... this, of course, immediately sparked Penn's interest in me and he insisted we go to the diner. He also walked the 10 blocks with me while the rest of the group drove over.

During our walk we talked a bit about family and business - and just generally had a really nice conversation. Right before we got to the diner he stopped me and kissed me very sweetly and asked if he could get my number before we rejoined the group. I gave it to him (naturally). Fast forward to the end of the night and Mr. Kiwi walked me back to my car and kissed me goodnight too! (Color me the kissing slut of the weekend). When I got home, it was Penn who had sent a text making sure I had gotten home okay. (As you may know from previous posts, this is something I really like when men do). I told him I did.

On Saturday - my friend Zooey invited me over to her apartment to "hang out." When I walked in, it became immediately obvious to me that it was a set-up because there was a very attractive man sitting in the living room drinking wine with Zooey's boyfriend Brandon. (Over the years, I have dated several guys with his same name, so let's just call him, Number 8). Well - Number 8 and I got along swimmingly. After killing a bottle of wine, we all decided to go get more drinks at a fancy hotel in Beverly Hills called the SLS. (We may or may not have also added some more earthy-type drugs to the evening's festivities, maybe...). Fast forward to Number 8 and I having a slumber party on the living room floor of Zooey and Brandon's apartment and staying up until dawn talking and laughing - and getting a bit heavy. (i.e. he is still not over his ex of 1 year who broke up with him "out of the blue" 3 months ago - I knew all this, but it was nice that he told me).

Later in the day, Number 8 invited me over to his place to hang out and have a chill night, since our previous night was slightly less than chill.  I ended up staying over at his place and we walked and got coffee in the morning - he even respected my wanting to move slowly physically. Everything went really well until one of his dogs bit my dog. He was mortified and I tried not to make him feel bad - but it will be a looong time until I want to bring my baby around his again. If ever.

Then, last night, I got a text from my friend Kenny. I don't think I have mentioned Kenny before and he definitely deserves his own post - but he has been, and is, such a great support-system-slash-brother-type-slash-emotional-boyfriend-slash-occacional-hookup.  (That last part is something that only happened the first night we met - and post-Parker in a moment of vulnerability). But he told me he missed me. And I liked it because I haven't seen him in two weeks and I miss him too. It's nice to know someone is thinking about me - and I like the honestly.

I almost forgot that attention from a bunch of different guys can feel pretty good and this whole dating thing doesn't have to be so serious all the time.

Please, Don't Say This To Me

Sometimes when I talk about what it's like to be "out there" in the dating scene, in LA in particular, or being single, in general, people try to offer me their sage words of wisdom. For the most part, I appreciate it because I obviously wouldn't be talking to them if I didn't have at least some amount of respect for them - but lately I feel as though their advice is getting a little repetitive and borderline insensitive. Here are some of the tidbits I could do without ever hearing again...

• "Focus On Yourself" - Um, what do you think I have been doing for the past 20-some-odd years of my life? I have a freakin' master's degree, a badass apartment with non-Ikea, grown-up furniture, I own my car, I workout regularly, I can cook, I have managed to keep a dog alive for over 5 years (and she's well-trained too, btw), I have good taste in music...what else about myself should I focus on? I mean, I guess I could lose those last 5 vanity pounds, but can't everyone really? And who wants to date a girl who refuses to eat a burger or drink beer? - I don't even want to date someone who wants to date someone like that... And life's too short... so what's left? 

• "Don't Settle For Just Anyone (Wait For the Right One)" - Obviously I am not going to settle. I have waited this long, looked that hard, kissed too many frogs, what's a little more waiting, looking and kissing? But, at this point I know what I want, so I am better at vetting potential suitors and they stopped getting through the door a long time ago if they were candidates I would be settling for. So I'm probably going to get super excited about the new guy I'm dating and the next one I date and I'll want to get serious right away - it doesn't mean I'm lonely and ready to "settle" it just means I'm ready.

• "Stop Looking (That's When You'll Find Him)" - This is the most infuriating one. I'd like to go down to the unemployment office and pitch this one to them as their new slogan..."Hey y'all, you should just start telling people to stop looking for work and a job will fall in their lap!...ATTENTION EVERYONE! Just go home...you are wasting your time here, because it's only once you stop looking, that you'll get what you need." I'll tell you what would happen, I would be propmptly escorted off the premisis because this concept is preposterous. Preposterous, I tell you!

In case you are wondering...here are the things you should say to me when I am complaining to you about being single and how hard it is to meet a guy:

• You are amazing. You know it, I know it - and the right guy for you is going to know it too.
• Don't worry you'll find him; you could meet him tomorrow...
• Hey, I have a friend I can set you up with! (Caution: do not do this unless said friend is tall, handsome and actually a good match - just because we're both single doesn't mean it's going to work).

...just sayin'

The 5 Stages of A Break-up

For those who don't know, there is a well known psychological theory (or is it proven?...I'm not sure, I think all things psychological are probably always theories, right?) published by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross about the 5 Stages of Grief one goes through when confronting the idea of your own mortality (i.e. if you've just recieved a terminal diagnosis). It goes a little something like this:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Well, this got me thinking about how I deal with breakups and that they are their own form of loss - obviously not as serious as facing death (obviously.)- but depending on the depth and breadth of a particular relationship, (and in our own dramatic fairy-tale land) it can certainly feel that way sometimes...

BUT - when coping with a breakup, I think the order is somewhat different, at least it is for me -I think it goes a little something like this:

1. Denial - this is when you usually think that it's not really over. That he was acting or reacting irrationally and that he will call or text or swing by and tell you how sorry he is... you might might even call or send your own text (or, ahem, texts) trying to get him to talk things over again - like you are still in a relationship, even though you're not.

2. Depression - when said phone call, text, random drop-by never happens (or your own attempts are rejected) - this is when the crying usually starts. (An important note: This stage is not defined by tears because crying is not exclusive to this stage of the process - depending on the relationship and the kind of person you are, I submit that crying may be present in Stages 1, 2 and 3) This is likely when you blame yourself for being terrible at relationships, think of everything you did wrong, don't want to be social, watch The Notebook and/or listen Ani DiFranco - and depending on the kind of person you are, you either gain some weight by eating a bunch of junk food or lose weight by sleeping a lot and not eating much at all. (Thank goodness I am the latter). The sad truth is, this stage can last a long time if you let it...I sunk in for about a month (if not longer) with my ex. Don't let it.

3. Anger (or as I like to call it: The Lightbulb Stage) - after you have gone over every conversation in your head and reviewed most of the text messages on your phone (come on, be honest, that's why we all save them...) you soon realize that - (lightbulb!) he was a jerk, "just not that into you", it was all is fault, you should have seen it sooner, you're way too good for him, or whatever other epiphany you have, after having gone over and over things a million times and examined them from every angle, that snaps you out of the depression stage. This is also likely when you'll defriend, unfollow, block, delete numbers, photos, emails, and any other records of your relationship that remind you of being happy together and/or make it easy for you to see him find happiness with someone else.

4. Bargaining - some people never go here (if you are one of those people, PLEASE tell me your secret), and I used to not (in my younger days), but now I always seem to... this is when you try to get back together. It's quite possible you will send an embarassing email or try to bump into him in places you think he'll be, or as I did with my ex a few years ago just casually put feelers out for "catch up" session. Best case scenario, this will work temporarily. But it will almost certainly end again and when that happens you'll just end up back at Stage 1. (In my experience - unless the "Breaker" decides they want to get back with the "Breakee" it is not a scenario that will workout long-term. Feel free to try and prove me wrong, and good luck to you, in all sincerity).

5. Acceptance - the way I have recently learned to channel the failure of my bargaining attempts, is to catapult me into acceptance. There is only so much you can put yourself through, right? How many times can you tell someone how you feel, put yourself out there, try to work it out, and keep getting told that's not enough - by the same person? Eventually you start to realize you deserve someone who appreciates you, everything you have to offer and wants to give you that in return. And suddenly everything starts to be okay.

I Wasn't Going to Admit This...

I did something pretty dumb just now. I keep telling myself there is no room for pride in love, so I sucked it up and especially given that Jack blew me off, decided to go for one last-ditch effort to try and save things with Parker. (Shameful, I know...and you best believe I will not be telling ANYONE in my real life for fear of ridicule and general mockery).

After reading several "Get your man back" articles, that basically all say the same things:
1. Cut off all contact
2. Work on yourself
3. Once you look good/feel good do a soft "reach out"
4. Catch up
5. Wait for him to follow-up
6. Play games (i.e. be really busy and withhold sex)
Blah, blah, blah...

I finally came across an article that said not to waste time and leave things up to chance but to rewind the relationship and remind him about all the reasons he fell for you in the first place... so I spent the day composing a cheeky email took a deep breath and hit send. If he rejects this, it will truly be the end and I can say I tried my best.

This is what it said (some of these are obviously inside jokes):

Dear Parker,

I just wanted to remind you of some of the reasons why you might be missing me (It would be totally cool with me if any or all of these are true, just throwing that out there)...;-)

We practically closed down the bar the first night we met and I liked you so much I didn't even hold it against you that you didn't walk me to my car, I can kick your ass in a drinking game, I taught you how to dirty text, you know what they say about jewish girls...;-), you can talk to me about anything (including, but not limited to, complaining about your sick travel buddy or discussing what you want to do next with your life), I love music as much as you do, I am a known playlist muse, I can admit when you're right (re: the Santa Monica stairs incident of July 2013), you don't know anyone else who says "y'all" with my panache and I never ask you to say "park the car in Harvard Yard," I like to fall asleep with the TV on too, I'm an adventurous eater and am always huungry, I appreciate your cooking skills and the fact that you go to two different grocery stores and the farmer's market to do all your shopping (because you don't f*ck around ;-), I'm a go-getter (you might find it a little annoying right now, but I hope you appreciate that I recognize a good thing and ya know, go get it), Cooper misses Pepper (don't be mad but he snuck out and told me) he said she makes him feel like a puppy again, you think I'm hot (hopefully)...except for my nose, fingers and toes that are always cold, or when I'm freezing and wearing two jackets and a scarf (but hopefully I'm still pretty cute all bundled up), Tipsy Park always really wants me. in his bed. right. bow. I mean now., I fit perfectly in your arms when we cuddle, your hands miss my body (okay, that one might be me projecting), but who else can fall asleep on top of each other? (seriously though), and I make you laugh (at least I think this probably got a few "ha"s out of you)...

Oh yeah, and I miss you. (like whoa). :-)

How about we just have a drink and see...?

- Penny 

That last line took me FOREVER to write. I left it at "see..." because I wanted to imply it could mean anything: see eachother, see what happens, see where it goes, see if you do miss me, see if there is still something there. Just see.

I haven't gotten a response yet. But I sent it an hour ago and I can see that he's still online...so at least he's probably mulling it over...

Even I am biting my nails to see how this one turns out.

UPDATE Tuesday, August 27, 2013 8:33 am:

He didn't respond to the email. I guess that's all the answer I needed, and quite frankly, better than a mean answer or one where he tells me never to contact him again. If he didn't respond to my adorable email, he clearly never felt about me the way I felt about him - which I should have gleaned from the fact that he broke. up. with. me. (duh.) but I am hard-headed and have to learn my lessons my own way and on my own time-frame. Oh yeah, and he unfollowed me on Instagram. And here I thought I had nothing more to lose...

Dating Bender: Episode 9 - "It Resumes"

Stats-
Name: Jack (like, Kennedy for the nostalgic types)
Age: 32
Height: 6'2"
Occupation: Movie Biz
Hometown: Houston (Texaaaas, what what!!)
Currently Resides: 2 miles from me
The Date: Drinks on Beverly Blvd.

Well, first let me say that as soon as my mom found out that there are trivia-like questions on dating sites and I read her Jack's answers to the important ones like religion, marriage-stance, kids, etc. - he is officially her new favorite.

We were supposed to meet at 8pm and for once I was running excatly on time (thank you, my new best-friend, Waze). I am pretty vehemently against Valet parking, so I was looking for a spot. But if you have ever been on Beverly Blvd. at 8pm you (and I now) know it is not easy! Then, I thought, Oh no! I don't even have any cash on me. So I kept circling, and circling - but I fired off a quick text to Jack just to let him know the situation. Then I got this:

no problem. glad to cover valet if you'd like

That was sweet. Which immediately made me desperate to find some cash so I didn't look like I was a gold-digging whore taking advantage of a nice guy. Luckily I remembered I sometimes stash a few dollars in the sunglasses holder in my car...

When I finally got there he was waiting by the valet stand. He looked just like his pictures which is always a good thing. We went inside the place and it was packed! And it was loud but very cool and hip in a low key way; I liked it. We had to stand around for a while before we were able to snag a couple seats at the bar, but Jack went and got us some menus and we ordered our first round while we stood. Something I really liked, that is kind of small, but just nice, was that he asked me what drink I wanted and then when the waiter came by to take our drink order, he ordered it for me. I don't know why that really stood out in my mind - but it did.

When we finally sat down at the bar the conversation flowed a bit more comfortably (and it was when I noticed his dimples for the first time - have I mentioned my weakness for dimples before?) I always forget that these guys must be nervous. I do not get nervous on dates. I don't know why - I think it's because I think first dates are fun - and when you are just meeting someone for the first time you have nothing to lose so why not just be relaxed about it. (I wish I could be more like that further into getting to know someone since my nerves seem to come with my feelings, but there I go digressing again...) Plus, once we sat down we had already finished one round. So we ordered up a second and started talking about our families. It was really nice. He was really nice.

He is the youngest of 3, he has two older sisters who are about 10 years older than him. Both are married with kids. He even felt comfortable enough to share that his oldest sister has a daugher who is autistic. I actually have a sister who is deaf. If you would meet her on the street, you would never know it. She has a Cochlear Implant that is seriously one of the most amazing inventions and essentially is digital hearing. (I linked the name of the device to the Wikipedia article if you are interested in learning about it). But as I was telling Jack about it, on our first date, I couldn't help but think for a brief moment that this was something I had never shared with Parker. I've thought more about it in the couple days since the date - why it was so easy for me to share this information about my family with Jack and why it never seemed to come up with Parker, and I think it was just because these are the kind of things that you respond to "in-kind," right? When someone shares something personal or deep with you, you reciprocate. And so it just reaffirmed the fact that Parker wasn't letting me in (and I guess I wasn't letting him in either, but obviously for good reason).

Back to the date - we ordered a really interesting guacamole and sea urchin snack with our third round of drinks - talked some about our specific work and the Entertainment industry in general. At the end of which he joked, "Well this has been a really good business meeting." And I laughed but said in all seriousness, "But that has always been something important to me - I need to be able to talk to someone about what I do, because that's life." He seemed to agree. We talked about some other things - he brought up that he is sometimes bad about talking about his feelings and doesn't use emoticons in text messages. Two things I am very glad to know about. Haha. And he asked for the check. I don't even think I did the obligatory wallet reach, it didn't feel necessary and I don't think he minded - I just made sure to thank him very much for the drinks.

He walked me to the valet stand and waited while they brought my car and even offered to pay again, but I told him I had found cash.  He kissed me once, and then again, and then again. It was masculine and the kind of kisses where you feel like you have known each other for a while. I don't know how else to describe them. I would have said chances I'll hear from him again 4 out of 5, but since I waited a couple days to post he already asked me out again for Sunday. We're going to brunch and the LACMA, and this time it wasn't even my idea!

There Are Always Little Red Flags

What's so interesting and convenient about writing about the progression of a relationship is the ability to go back and read about it later.  Obviously I have been spending the last few days obsessing over Parker so I went back and read some of my old posts about the beginning of our so-called relationship.

It's easy to idealize something once it's gone, particularly when it is taken away from you by no choice of your own. I must admit I have been guilty of that over the past few days - I keep thinking, F*ck, I really screwed the pooch on this one. He was paper-perfect and made sure I got home safely every night, etc. etc. - and I keep blaming myself (as we women tend to do) for what happened. But the fact is, I stood up for myself because I wasn't getting what I needed from him and I was mad. And if he cared about me, he would have cared to work it out and make sure I was happy and secure, he wouldn't have just been looking at the relationship from his perspective. So clearly he also played a part in the relationship's demise as well.

While I kept thinking that the weirdness between us and the fact that he was keeping me at arm's length started when he got back from his trip - when I read back over what I had wrote, I realized it started almost from the very beginning. Remember how I thought he was acting weird right after the first time we fooled around? And remember how I was suspicious of him not inviting me to his birthday party? I talked myself out of all of those feelings because he SAID all the right things. I rationalized away the warning signs I was feeling because I liked him, and gave him the benefit of the doubt because the communication was constant. And for a while, that felt like enough - and I know for him it continued to  be enough. But actions betray true intentions. And as my mom said, you can text from the bathroom.

I know that I have the tendency to want to jump into things very quickly. (That's not a good thing - I need to figure out how to pump my own breaks before I scare away everyone). It's because I idealize the notion of love. But I also do think that in order to move forward, two people need to spend quality time together. I will forever think it is weird that he continued to prioritize time with his friends over time with me. Despite the fact that we had only been dating for 2 months.

I've more than acknowledged my mistakes on this one and every day gets a little better and I forgive myself a little more. Breakups are their own journey; you discover new things about yourself, learn, grown and try to do better (and find someone better) next time.

Plus, I already have a date tonight! He seems really cute... we all know how that goes... oy.

Full (Dis)Closure

I broke down and sent a text (um, some texts) to Parker last night... I just felt that as I kept talking to people they kept telling me that he would probably realize he over reacted and call me and I just wasn't sure they we're right and the anxious feeling in my stomach of not knowing and feeling like it was over-but--maybe-not-over was a bit too much.

This what I wrote:

I keep going back over things in my head and I’m at a bit of a loss for how things unraveled so quickly given how much we seem to like each other and all the things we have in common. I’m really sad and I’ve been beating myself up for how things went down. I’d still like to think this is fixable and that it’s worth fixing; I hope you do too – Not so long ago a pretty smart man told me these things take work and talking.

This was what he wrote back:

Hey. Thanks for reaching out. You are a great person and I did really like you. It hasn't been fun for me either since Friday but I do feel it was the right decision. I'm sorry.

I actually feel a bit better and stronger knowing that I am not waiting for a phone call that is never going to come. I do still think it is a little strange that through all his claims of feelings for me (the very ones I doubted that eventually caused this debacle) he was so willing to give me up that easily. Perhaps ultimately I may not have gotten the whole story - that, I think may have been the Elephant in the room the whole time - it wasn't about time or Fridays or Saturdays, that's why his effort wasn't enough for me. He was shutting me out, from something.

I wrote him back one more text - I didn't expect him to respond and he didn't:

I'm sorry too. You know, you told me once that you sometimes let your emotions get the best of you, both the good ones and the bad ones, so you just push people away. Maybe with some time you'll realize the last thing I wanted was to ruin what we had. I made a mistake, I know I pressured you and I shouldn't have, and I feel awful about it. If you like me as much as you say you did, hopefully you'll figure out how to forgive me and maybe we can try this again one day.

I know... I laid it on a bit thick. Because I don't think I was entirely in the wrong - just my methods - but I do think it just might be bad timing and he needed an out, for now, and some time to figure himself out until he can give me (or someone) what I (or they) need. Maybe we just need a break to reset. Or maybe we're just actually done. As Justin Bobby from The Hills says, "Truth and time tells all."

At least he didn't respond with an "I don't think so," or "Please don't contact me anymore." Ha.

So...back to the dating bender.  On the upside, since Parker and I started dating, Tinder became all the rage, and truth be told I was kinda dying to give it a whirl. ;-)

Not the Way I Planned It

This is a post I was hoping I would never have to write, in fact, I started writing this post two days ago but couldn't bring myself to finish it until this morning - today would have been our 2 monthiversary. At approximately 4:36pm Pacific time on Friday, August 16th, Parker said he was done and walked away.

The only reason I know the exact time is because I called my mom almost immediately and cried.

I'm honestly really surprised that my attempts at wanting to spend more time with him resulted in him wanting to stop seeing me altogether, I mean, I'm not surprised that happens, I'm just surprised it happened with him. How do you give up so easily on something you have invested so much into? It's heartbreaking.

Here's the whole story...

On Wednesday, even though I knew he had plans in the evening, I suggested that I come over after work and wait out traffic with him until he had to leave for his game - I suggested that maybe we could have an early dinner.

He said that he had to leave early for his game so he wouldn't have time for dinner, but if I could come over around 5:00 we could spend about an hour and half together. It wasn't ideal, and in looking back I should have said no, but I went over anyway because I knew that if I didn't take advantage of the time I wouldn't see him until Sunday. Pathetic, I know.

So I went over to his house to take the measely hour and a half of a bone he was throwing me, (figuratively and literally because we had a quickie) and then he left to do what he was going to do for the night. What I didn't communicate is that while he thought he was "doing better" by making more time for me - I left feeling cheap and pathetic for being willing to settle for someone who can only squeee me into his schedule for sex in between the things he really wants to do and the people he really wants to spend his time with.

The next night we were texting back and forth (as per usual) about what we were doing that evening. I was already slightly annoyed because I had invited him to come with me to a film screening and out for drinks at the W Hotel afterwards but he wanted to go to the Santa Monica Pier music series (more that he wanted to spend time with me) since he hadn't been to one since he had gotten home from his trip. So asked him what he was doing the next night - Friday - and held my breath.  He said he was having dinner at his friend Matt's house again. That it was their monthly "family dinner" but this one was in honor of Matt's mom who had recently passed away even though that had been the excuse he had been using all the previous week too.

Now, before you go thinking I am some spoiled brat who doesn't realize that, yes, this is a legitimate excuse for him not being able to see me - I feel terrible that his friend's mother passed away. Terrible. And I definitely understand why it might not have been a good time for me to come around last weekend when he first got back into town - (and also might I remind you of that whole lying debacle where Parker didn't even GO to dinner one of the nights, but I digress...) but their monthly family dinner? Were they really going to sit around and talk about his mom the whole time? I am not an inappropriate person, I know how to behave in group situations...I wanted to be included, I wanted to be let in. I don't think that was too much to be asking. We were supposed to be in an exclusive relationship - that's what people in a relationship DO - spend time together; integrate each other into their lives. So I was getting increasingly frustrated.

What ended up happening is I sent a text - a text that I now very much regret - that said this:

Parker, I'm not interested in having a text relationship. I want to spend time with the person I am dating.

I was really just hoping to elicit a reaction from him because I have obviously (to you, to me, to my family and friends) been feeling so frustrated and confused. And I have NEVER, I repeat, NEVER, engaged in, let alone started a text message fight. Now I know why. What unfolded was a series of argumentative texts that ended with me wanting to talk and him wanting to go to bed and talk the next day. I hate going to bed mad, but I figured I would let him sleep on it and we'd kiss and make up.

He said he would call me the next day after he was done with work, but I suggested he come by my office and we take a walk - because I wanted to kiss and make up in person! Haha. :-( Yeah, so basically that means he was prepared to break it off with me over the phone too. The jerk evidence keeps on piling up.

When he got to my office we walked across the street and sat at some tables outside of a Starbuck's - he said he wanted to start and basically proceeded to tell me that he was done. I asked him if I should even bother telling him what I thought. He said he did but he was so angry sitting there I doubt he heard a word I said and in the end it didn't make one bit of difference because he still didn't want to keep dating me, and I was still in heartbroken shock.

What he said it basically boiled down to was that I had brought up the issue only four days prior - he thought he had been doing better making an effort and now that he realized he hadn't he doesn't think that ANYTHING he did would ever satisfy me. (As if inviting me for a last-minute lunch and and afterthought movie invite is real effort). I tried to explain that the reason it was coming up again was because I didn't feel like I really ended up saying what I needed to say before and now that things were on the table we could continue to talk about it. What I should have said was that I needed to be MORE explicit about the kind of effort I wanted i.e. We are in an exclusive relationship I expect that you will spend either Friday or Saturday night with me every weekend. Period. It doesn't have to be just us, but we should be together. F*ck. I never should have let him try to figure it out on his own.

So now I am beating myself up for pushing him to get "more serious" and spend "more time with me" so soon like every crazy, relationship mistake-making girl in the world and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Even though everyone tells me I was right for wanting what I wanted and asking for it - and if he really liked me he would have given it to me instead of using it as an excuse for bolting, it doesn't make me feel any better.

The only thing I can do now if pick myself up and move on.

(PS - Sorry for some of the errors and weird grammar, I'll review and edit at a later date, I just can't go back over it right now - in more ways than one).

Rough Transition

Parker has been back for two weeks now - the great news: we finally slept together and it was G-O-O-D, good! (Thank g-o-d); the bad news: it's been a bit of an anxiety ridden couple weeks.

I don't quite know how to explain it, but a couple days before he got back, I could start to sense a switch being flipped. It was like a this-was-all-exciting-and make-believe-because-I-was-leaving-for-a-few-weeks-to-traverse-the-globe-but-holy-crap-now-that-I-am-coming-home-and-have-to-get-back-to-everyday-life-this-sh*t-is-about-to-get-real-and-I'm-freaking-out-right-now switch. Ya know, that one. ;-)

It started when he told me that our plans for the day he got back would have to be shuffled around because he had to help a friend move. Yeah...so rather than spending the whole day together and ripping off each other's clothes, per the original plan, he opted to move a couch, a bed, and a bunch of boxes while jetlagged? Hmmmm...

Then, he suggested we spend the day together on Friday - so we took a drive up the coast, went wine tasting and ended up at the LACMA. It was an incredibly romantic day...one I assumed would end with us finally having sex. (Side note: we did revisit "the talk" about once we slept together neither of us would be seeing anyone else, which he was totally on-board with both before and now). So, what happened? He said he had a birthday party to go to that night. Not only did he insist on going, he didn't invite me. Wtf?!?

He earned back some points when I saw him the next time...he came over to my place and cooked me an elaborate meal and....drumroll, please...this was when we did the deed for the first (ahem, first three) times. But, he left early in the morning and AGAIN I didn't see him for the rest of the week and he didn't include me in ANY of his weekend plans.

I had finally had enough on Friday night when he sent me a text around midnight after he was clearly done with whatever his plans were that evening...(it's not even like he asked me to come over either).

Him: Hey!

Me: Hey

How are you?

Fine, you?

Good. I'm headed home from dinner and drinks with my friend Matt and our friends Sophie, her husband and our other friend who you'll meet on Sunday.

Get home safe

I didn't drive, so I'll be fine ;-) Did you just stay in tonight?

Yep.

Are you okay?

Yep.

Okay, just checking. You are being very "short" tonight.

I know, sorry.

Let's talk tomorrow.

So, I did it, yes in a very passive agressive way, but I had to be "that girl" and lay the "let's talk" on him. Even though he didn't really get that's what I was saying. He did, however understand that I was losing patience with his seeming lack of interest in seeing me often. Even my guy friends have started making fun of me for being his "weekday" girl. Since one of the ways you know a guy is really into you is when he gives you his weekends...

The next morning I suggested we meet for breakfast. He even offered to cancel his plans that afternoon, (Hello! Lightbulb moment!) but of course I didn't let him do that. I told him that there was clearly a disconnect because I know what my expectations are but I have no idea what his are. He basically said that right now he only has 2 days a week to give. Aca-scuse me? Did I hear that right? 2 days a week? I thought we were in an exclusive relationship... But that we should communicate and I should let him know if that wasn't working for me. I told him that is what I was doing right now. He said he would try harder - and that's really all I could ask at that point since it was the first time I said anything since I had gotten back.

Fast-forward to that night: I was going out in Santa Monica with some friends and he was going out to dinner. I asked if they were going out after dinner, he said yes, and I said that maybe we could try to meet up. He said he would let me know where they went. At about 11:15 he told me he was pretty tired and probably going to head home. I asked him if he just wanted to meet us for a drink, he passed. (Side note: the next day he told me he had actually slept through dinner, and by the time I talked to him he was only going to meet up with his people to go out. He had actually gone to a swanky bar called 3110 for a bit before he went home. So yeah, the night before he had bascially completely lied to me...just so he didn't have to meet me out? Naturally I did not make a big deal out of it). Chance #1 to show me you heard anything that I was saying: BLOWN.

We had a great time together on Sunday - he took me to a concert and I stayed over at his place.

Last night, we were texting and I wanted to see what he was up to tonight. I knew almost immediately when I saw the "dot-dot-dot" for a couple minutes on iMessage, that he was going to have an elaborate excuse for why he didn't have time to see me; I was right. Tonight he has plans to hang out with the ex-gf. If my stomach wasn't all up in knots about it, I would be laughing because it's so ridiculous. He said it's because she hasn't seen the dog since he got back (ya know, the one she watched for 3 1/2 weeks while he was gone) and that they haven't really gotten a chance to hang out since he's been back (ya know, except for every week in the league they play in together, and likely at a couple of those birthday parties he didn't invite me to...oh yeah, and the race they're running in together this weekend). All I said was "Gotcha, cool."

He tried to get me to come have lunch with him today, but I didn't bite. (Haha, pun not intended). I'm just really starting to think that he's the type of guy that can't handle anything that's not entirely on his terms. Like, he only wants me to exist when it's convenient for him. That's not good.

So, that's it. You're all caught up. I don't even know what else to say about it all...except that even my mom says I should be seeing other people. She was like - "When I was dating, the guys who really liked me couldn't wait to see me again," and she thinks that being in an exclusive relationship with a guy who only wants to see me 2 days a week is ridiculous. I think I agree.

Catfishing

Do y'all watch that show on MTV about the people who fall in love over the internet or via text but have never met the person in real life? You've at least heard of it right? Hopefully you've at least heard of Manti Te'o...

Well the story usually ends up the same - one person keeps making up excuses for why they can't meet up or facetime (not everyone in the world can afford and iPhone, I know) or whatever else would confirm their identity in some way and when they eventually do meet - they find out they've been using a fake identity the whole time and the other party is emotionally crushed.

Now, I usually think to myelf, what an idiot! How could they have possibly developed such strong feelings for someone just through IMing and text? Are they really trying to convince me they are broken-hearted right now?

Here's the thing though - since Parker has been gone, we have been talking every day, at least twice sometimes three times a day through a messenger app, or Facebook - and I honestly can say my feelings are getting so much stronger for him every time we talk. It's as if the distance between us is forcing us to really get to know each other by talking instead of falling into the sex haze which is what usually happens at this point in a good relationship.

Even though ours is very different than a typical catfishing situation - namely because we've already met - I think I might understand how you can fall for someone in cyberspace and develop real feelings.

It sounds weird to say, but even with Parker practically on the other side of the world, I feel like our relationship has still been moving forward - and so have our feelings. We had an amazing conversation this morning that made me feel the closest to him than I have felt since we met; physically he is the furthest away he has been since we met. I think that's pretty cool.

PS - If you didn't see this week's episode of Catfish on MTV, it is a MUST WATCH even if you have never seen the show before. (Click Here to see it).

How Close is Too Close?

Remember how I mentioned that Parker's ex was still in his life? Remember how I said I was a little threatened by it, but he said he had no intention of getting back with her and that it made me feel better but I still couldn't help but be threatened? Yeah...

So - he's in a different country and our communication is very limited. We talk every so often and he tells me he is missing me which I appreciate so much, because I miss him too...and that makes me feel really special. These are all good things.

BUT, here's the bad thing I can't really get out of my head...I'm pretty sure he's talking to his ex too, which makes me feel unspecial. The only reason I suspect this is because she is looking after his dog, and I know that I would be in communication with the person looking after my dog - OR, if I were her and still had feelings for him (which woman's intuition tells me is the case, especially based on the specific details of their breakup story) I would be using the whole dog-thing as an excuse to talk to him while he's away too. (Good move, ex-gf, good move. If you weren't my competition, I would have mad respect for your tactics).

1. I mean first and foremost, she's watching his freakin' dog! Come on. That's kind of ridiculous, considering he has a roommate. But, okay, a dog is a living being that needs to be cared for and he knows she cares second only to him at thins point, so I get it from a "parental perspective." (If this continues to happen once he and I make it official, we might have problems).

2. Also, he just helped her move despite the fact that she is supposedly seeing a new guy. Hmmm...curious. If you had a new man, why would your ex-man be the one to help you move? Don't think too long...the answer is, he wouldn't. Friends or not.

3. Thirdly, and this is totally nit-picky but kinda bothered me. I went out of my way to post a really cute message on his Facebook wall at midnight on his birthday despite the time difference - and he "liked" it. (Yay!) Then when all the hundreds, yes hundreds, of other messages came rolling in on U.S. time he didn't "like" or reply to any of them, so I was super flattered. Except one. Ex-gf's message. He "liked" hers too. (Not yay. Unyay).

He was very upfront with me about their continued friendship - and I get that a 3+ year relationship creates a strong bond that doesn't go away just because the romance does, especially because they stayed in each other's lives. But now, in thinking back to our conversation about them, he said to me, "we realized we're better off as 'best friends.'" He didn't say regular friends, he said "best." The thing is, whether it ends up being Parker or not, I want my lover to be my best friend. So regardless of if there is any continued romantic interest between the two of them - if she still occupies that space in his life, the best friend space, then what space does that leave for him to build that with someone else? Namely, me?...

So far he has been saying and doing all the right things, but these days that is pretty easy from the other side of  the world. So, he is going to be moving about a week after he gets back from his trip. For me, I think a big indicator will be if he asks me to help him move, if he asks her or if he asks both of us. If he asks me, then he is as serious about me as he says he is. If he asks her, there is "trouble in River City" (as my mom used to say) and I will probably have to say something analagous to what I wrote above about the whole If she occupies your "best friend space," then what space is there for someone else? And if he asks both of us and we get to meet, I will definitely know they are in the friend zone (from his side). But, see item #2 above...it would be kinda weird, right? (I'll also get to see if my suspicions are true about her still having feelings for him and if she is actually nice to me. He insists she will be...mm hm -- that's my skeptical mm hm. Nice = friend zone, Fake-Nice or Straight Bitchy = still in love). Only 30 more days until I find out....

A Departure and My Return

Sorry I've been MIA - I needed a little bit of a break...plus now with the dating bender suspended indefinitely, my life is just not interesting enough to entertain y'all with new stories every day. ;-)

I know I said I was going to try to keep dating, particularly once Parker had left on his trip...but it is really hard to care about meeting up with someone who I know is not going to be 1/10th as awesome as the guy I am seeing - and the one dating site that I still have my profile on really sucks! (Oh, did I mention that Parker took down his profile too!?!) :-D

I think I am just a monagomous person by nature - which I was trying to change with the whole dating bender thing, but I guess you can't escape your nature...I really hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the a**. Then again, I guess I can just date bend again.

That being said...I'm back now, and here's what's been going on since I last posted:

Last I left you, I was feeling a bit anxious about Parker not inviting me to his (potential) birthday party and I wasn't sure if I had the right to be upset and/or if I should go through with my plans to do something special for him to celebrate with him separately. Here's how everything went down:

At around 6, Parker sent me a text asking if he could come over earlier than we had planned because he decided not to go to his friend's birthday party. (Yay, points for him!) I told him of course that would be okay. I had already decided I was going to go through with my plans for him. Since he has been constantly surprising me with how cool and sweet he is, I just had to trust that he is different than the guys in my past and ignore the fear. "Eff You, Fear!" Haha. But, seriously I kind of really did have to say that in my head. When he got to my place I had baked him his favorite cookies (he had mentioned them in passing on our second or third date) and I brought them out of the kitchen with a candle...he was really flattered that I remembered about the cookies. (Yay, points for me!)

We decided to rent a movie and just stay in (read: pretty much spend the whole night naked). We had to revisit the subject of "the decision" of whether or not to have sex and even though it was nearly impossible to hold out - we both agreed that we should wait to make it official until he gets back from his trip. (My personal Rules of Singledom dictate that he doesn't get the proverbial cookie (because I baked him actual cookies, hehe) unless we are exclusive to each other. (SIDE NOTE: That doesn't mean we have the Boyfriend/Girlfriend titles...to me, that is a very distinct and separate conversation...but there I go, digressing again...) But, on a positive note we also agreed that we were definitely going in that direction. I just didn't think it smart to become exclusive after 2 weeks of dating and then be separated for a longer period of time than we've known each other... to me, there is no rush when, as all signs point to, this could be something really long-lasting. He agrees.

I gave him his actual birthday present in the morning - a little token to carry with him on his travels to remind him of me. And I gave him a third surpise present that he can think about on his travels to remind him of me too...IF you know what I mean (wink, wink). As we were pillow-talking in the morning, I finally got up the guts to ask him about his party and he assured me that it was really a boys night and very casual. He said he has no reason to hide me, especially since I have already met most of his friends. Phewf! I feel so much better!

Communication 2, Immaturity 0 ;-)

The best part was - the next night, after being with his buddies for a few hours - he called me and told me that he just wanted to spend the rest of the night with me anyway, since he was leaving the next day for his trip. So I went over and slept at his place that night and I took him to the airport in the morning... It's only been a couple days and I miss him already! Luckily we have been able to chat a little bit with one of those International messenger apps. So yeah, things with Parker are going really well!

Guess what else happened...? Dylan sent a text. Did I call it or what? This is what it said:

"Hey Penny. How was your 4th of July? Let me know if you want to grab dinner tomorrow or Sunday? :-)"

So I replied:

"Hey Dylan, I had a great holiday, thanks! I hope you did too! Dinner on Sunday works for me - what did you have in mind?"

Can you guess what happened next? ...I bet you can... he's a predictable one, that Dylan. That's right. Nothing. WTMEF?!?! This guy can't be serious. If he ever dares to text me again, I am going to tell him to lose my number.

But that reminds me...I hope y'all had very happy holiday weekends too!

I'm going to try to figure out a regular posting schedule over the next couple weeks, but for the immediate future I'll be posting kinda randomly (but at least a few times a week). So check back regularly or better yet, follow the blog to get notifications when a new post goes up!

Rights & Responsibilities

Parker's birthday is going to fall on one of the days that he is going to be out of town - so it would make sense that he would want to celebrate it before he left, right? I would think so.

Here's the thing...as far as he thinks I know, he hasn't planned anything.

He has an older brother who lives here that he told me he doesn't see very often since they are so different. (His brother is very "Hollywood" and he, as we know, is a teacher). I told him I thought that was kind of sad (he said it really disappoints his mom too - SIDE NOTE: opportunity for future Brownie Points with Parker's mom if I get them to spend more time together :-), but that they have been better lately and have seen each other at least once a month recently and that "I am going to see him again next week at my..." and then he trailed of and said "I mean, I am going to see him before I leave."

So, what do I think he was going to say? I think he was going to say, "...at my Birthday Party." And that meant 1) That I am clearly not invited and 2) That he was lying to me about it.

But that was our second date - and since then we have talked every day - we say good morning and goodnight to each other, have been out 2 more times, have gotten naked, are going to again tonight ;-), and you should see the drunk texts I got from him this weekend...so you would think things might have changed.

But they haven't, and the birthday party evidence keeps piling up...

He originally told me he was going to a birthday dinner with his brother and his wife tonight and then his "buddies" were going to take him out tomorrow. So he planned to come over tonight after dinner, because he really wanted to see me before he left (he didn't invite me to dinner, obviously). So making casual conversation last night, I asked them where they were going to dinner and he told me he canceled because it was his friend's birthday and he had to go to that instead. Excuse me, what? I was totally willing to play second fiddle to brother and I also understood why it would be weird if I was included in dinner, but why am I waiting around for you to go to a birthday party? And why can't I go with you to that?

So I asked him if his brother and his wife were upset that he canceled and he said no, he was just going to see them the next night. I asked, "Oh, I thought that was boys night." And he said, "Oh... they're just going to stop by for a bit." Yeah, they.

And that's when I knew for sure - "Boys night" is not boys night it's his plain ol' birthday party. (As I originally suspected). I actually don't think he was ever planning to go to a separate dinner with his brother - I think he just freaked out and had to tell me something and then had to revise his lie later. I'm not even mad, I just feel sad and a little stupid. I also feel even worse because I had planned a little something for him tonight and now I am not sure what I should do...I don't want to put myself out there any more that I already have.

I mean, it sucks to not be included. But it sucks even more to be lied to. (I will say, that knowing Parker, I don't think he is lying to be malicious, I think he is lying to protect my feelings...but I'm not dumb and figured out that he's having a party and that hurts - plus he has a billion friends, I can't imagine them letting him get away with not celebrating). I think I would feel less bad if he just told me about it and explained why he decided not to invite me - like maybe his ex is hosting and it would make her feel uncomfortable. As annoying as that would be, at least that would make sense. Or maybe he just thinks it's too soon; that would sting a little but at least it would be honest and then I would know for sure where I stand.

What do y'all think? Do I have a right to be upset about not being invited to his party? And if I'm not even included in his birthday plans should I take on the responsibility of making our own little celebration or should I forget to give him the present I bought?

I think I am just going to ask him about it tonight...

Some Rules of Singledom

Being single in your mid-to-late 20's is a different animal than in your early 20's...

When you are 21 and single, you are looking to party, live life, gain experience, do things you've never done before, live life to the fullest...and date the bad boy...oh, the bad boys... Having been that type of 21 year-old, I know that life all too well, and yet now, as I enter a different stage of my life, I feel like I did all those things I wanted to do. I have long felt comfortable with the thought of moving on to the "couple" phase of my life knowing that I fulfilled my single dreams, acted on whims, was appropriately selfish when the situation called for it, and just generally didn't worry that I ever missed out on anything I would have wanted to do. All of the items on my list of life experiences that I still want now have a "we" or "us" in front of them and I truly feel I'm ready for that.

So, what happens when you are ready to move on from your single life and yet still can't seem to find yourself in a fulfilling, committed relationship? Well, you just decide to love your life anyway. Sucks, don't it? ;-)

I don't claim to have all the answers, I'm not a therapist or a certified expert, and in general, I'm not trying to espouse dating advice. But, I do have life experience and I've always thought of myself and been told by friends and family that I'm good at being single. (Let me tell you how happy I am that I can count that among my many skills...yeah, not so much) Seriously though, I have always taken it as a compliment in that they think I am a strong independent woman who doesn't need a man, and they are right. (Although I certainly do want one).

That being said, here are some dating tips, (I think it’s pretty good life advice too) that have gotten me though, help me to remain happy, positive, and confident, and most importantly, keep me from settling.

Get a hobby (or multiple hobbies)

For me this has been essential and I have channeled a lot of my extra time and energy into Yoga. I have found it to be the perfect combination of exercise and spirituality and it probably saves me a ton of money on therapy, haha. Yoga is not for everyone, just find your own thing (and if you can find something physical the added bonus is a rockin' body, woot woot!)

I also do art projects - sometimes it takes days, sometimes it will take weeks, but I am able to let my apartment transform into a messy art studio and in the end I have something physical to show for it. I hang my work on my walls and have put end tables next to my couch - right now I am working on a medicine cabinet. If I had a boyfriend, there is no way he would be cool with coming home to an "exploded" apartment for 2 weeks while I "create." Yay for being single!

Know your value

I find that so many women spend so much time trying to impress the guy - that we as women feel it is our obligation earn the man's affections and we put them up on a pedestal. STOP! We are the prize!! Let him win you; let him earn you. Think of everything you have to offer - maybe you are dedicated to your children, or a perfect 10 model (in which case I hate you a little...), or charitable with your time and money...look for the things about yourself that you admire and that other people admire about you and find the inner strength to know that those qualities make you a valuable commodity - and don't just give that away to anyone.

I personally think I am the total package (if I do say so myself) but that is because I am MY version of the total package, as in, I reflect the type of things I look for in a partner. I am relatively healthy; I work out, kinda watch what I eat (except for some late nights when I stop at Taco Bell on the way home, which is probably why I'll forever be a size 6 rather than a 4 - but I'm cool with it ;-), have diverse interests, have a good sense of humor, and am well educated. Feeling good about myself and deciding to like my life has kept me from jumping into a relationship with someone simply because I want a relationship and instead makes me realize I have the right to wait for the perfect yin to my yang.

Know your values

One little "S" makes all the difference. This one is not about settling for someone who is not deserving of you, but about not compromising yourself while being a single gal living it up. Whatever you decide are your dating values - I just suggest that you don't compromise them for anyone or you will usually regret it (take it from someone who knows...).

As you may have gathered from some of my posts, personally I wait a while to sleep with guys, as in, I decided to take a page from the Patti Stanger handbook and hold out on sex until "monogamy." Don't get me wrong, I was not always this way (particularly in the above-mentioned early-20s) and I most certainly don't judge women who don't abide this philosphy. But for me, this is what works.

I played at being a bad girl for far too long and found myself getting hurt way too often when a guy wouldn't call the next day. Even recently, I slipped up once and slept with someone too soon and when he disappeared, it was devastating, because he didn't know what a big deal it was that I had given myself to him, and I had compromised myself for someone who turned out to be unworthy. So again, you decide your personal dating rules, stick to them and you'll feel a lot more confident as a single girl (and men love confidence).

I'm sure there are plenty more where these came from but this is all I've got this morning.

Let me know in the comments if you like posts like this or if you'd rather I stick to storytelling! :-)

Dating Bender: Updates

Tommy: Never heard from him - shocking, right? Thank goodness.

Parker: I think you have probably living under a rock (or most definitely not reading my blog ;-) if you don't know what's going on there...  

Abe: Didn't hear from this guy either. I guess his 3 out of 5 was an over-estimation. On another note, he has also since deactivated his profile - guess I was right about him not being quite ready to get back in the game.

...TMBOG2: Still haven't heard from him, but I have a sneaking suspicion (as does my friend, Andie) that       he''ll randomly pop up again.

Bernie: He never called me! This one I am actually surprised about! But I think it might be due to the fact that I didn't let him kiss me. WTF? This is why guys in LA suck so much. I knew my suspicions about him being "a typical LA dude" were right, I just thought it would take him a little longer for his true colors to show. At least he spared me the string of BS down the road...

Dylan: Shocker of all shockers, he has not contacted me to set up a date yet (but stay tuned, I still don't think this one is over...).

So - a couple weeks of dates and 6 guys later, I actually think I found an amazing guy - thank goodness, because there were ZERO other prospects (which is actually kind of depressing to think about).

I have deactivated one of my online profiles and just to mix things up have signed up for a different one to see if I can get some different results...

Parker is leaving next week for the rest of the month and even though it's been a whirlwind two weeks we have decided not to have "the talk" until he gets back, so that means I can keep checking out what's out there until then - and possibly beyond (although I am hoping that's not going to be the case).

Stay cool (those in LA know what I mean) and Happy Sunday!

Trust Your Gut

I was right about Parker - something was up.  I did eventually hear from him later in the day, but our dialogue was so forced it felt weird, particularly for the two of us, since conversation has never been a problem. So, it didn't make me feel that much better.

Then - late in the evening, when he was drunk, we resumed our conversation... things started to feel a little more normal and we were texting back and forth "reminiscing" about some of the sexy events of the night before and that's when I figured it out...

He said, "yeah, but you didn't come."

There it was. I should have known that a guy as sweet and sensitive as Parker has proven to be would be worried about that - hence the weirdness. I also know that it was not an ego thing - I know he was worried about me - that I wasn't as attracted to him as he is to me, and that is definitely not the case.

What I told him, and what I should have told him when we were in bed together, is that A) It's nearly impossible for me to have an orgasm after I've been drinking and especially when drinking whiskey and B) I was nervous! Like, really nervous.

I like him so much and when all the things we are doing seem like they are steps toward becoming something real and lasting: meeting each other's friends, introducing our dogs, telling our moms about each other, getting naked for the first time, these are big moments that mean something - that's a lot of pressure!

Once I explained all that (and made sure to emphasize that I actually had an amazing time and can't wait to get naked with him again), we just clicked back to "normal" and it was kind of awesome.

Communication 1, Immaturity 0 ;-)

Through all this, I learned a really important lesson about trusting my instincts. (Which I should always do. Seriously, this is the one life lesson that I seem to have to keep learning over and over again!) I knew something was "off" and had I not coincidentally mentioned the exact right thing, the issue might not have been brought to light. I should have just asked him if everything was okay. Next time I'll know I can do that since he is really good at telling me how he feels.

I'm glad we got over this tiny speedbump and I'm even more excited to see him again soon with clear air!

Dating Bender: Episode 8 - "Runaway Train"

O.M.G. you guys, my date with Parker last night was A-MAZ-ING! I feel a little like a teenager starting off a post with that phrase, but I am just not sure anything else would do it justice. Plus, we act a little like teenagers when we are out together. Both of us admitted that we don't really like to be "those people" that are all over each other and make out in public (although I do like a little classy PDA from time-to-time...), but we simply can not keep our hands off each other when we are together. As if that wasn't enough, we never seem to run out of things to talk about. I'm not sure I have ever met the full package before.

Okay, the date...

We took the train together downtown to hit some bars - his very smart idea - so neither of us had to drive. When we are together time just disappears; we started our evening at 6 pm and before either of us realized it was after 10 pm. At that point we decided to get some dinner - we decided to share tacos. He said we must really like each other since it's not the politest thing to eat on a date, hah.

A couple interesting conversational notes:

He told his mom about me. So cute and a very good sign especially given it is so early.

But, we opened up the ex-files.. Not mine. If you've gone back to previous posts, you'll know that my ex is in Texas, we've been broken up for almost 3 years and he doesn't even talk to me. In fact, last I checked he still has me blocked on Facebook. A little extreme, methinks....but anyway...I digress (which I do alot ;-) His ex, of 3 years, however, is still very much in the picture. Let me give you a minute to let that one sink in. Yep. Currently. Very much in the picture. AND they only broke up in the fall. They still hang out as friends, as in she's in his social circle that he sees at least once a week and she will also be watching his dog when he is travling later this month (because, after all, they did get the dog together). :-/ He assured me that he has zero intention of ever getting back with her because they broke up for a good reason and it was without drama and that I really have nothing to worry about. That definitely made me feel better, but I am still feeling a little threatened. What do you think?

So...after we took the train back (the ride was waaaay too long, if you know what I mean...) Parker invited me back to his place and I (hopefully not too) enthusiastically accepted. Pretty much as soon as we walked into his bedroom we started tearing each other's clothes off. To the point that I was pretty much down to my underwear before we realized his bedroom door wasn't closed. (oops). Things got real hot really quickly and when it was time to make the "big decision" I told him I wasn't ready. He said he agreed with me - that we should wait - and it really didn't seem to hinder our connection or the mostly-naked fun we had for the rest of the night. I fell asleep tucked right under his arm with my head on his chest.

There was a point when his dog jumped on the bed and woke us up - since I have a problem falling asleep quickly, I decided to keep him up too with a little middle of the night nookie session. So fun! And of course, we got frisky again this morning.

He dropped me off at my place this morning and we figured out when we are going to see each other next and he already sent me what I am realizing is his usual "I had fun with you" post-date text; a ritual I have grown to very much appreciate.

Now that I've waited until a little later in the day to write about it all, here's the thing - and y'all are probably going to think I am being totally paraniod - and I probably am - but we have been texting almost non-stop since we met. And today after he sent that text and I sent him my "me too" flirty response - nothing.  Even though we didn't have sex, we definitely got intimate and we still definitely had some "firsts" which puts both of us, but particulary the me, in a really vulnerable state. Why don't guys understand that this is the time to be extra attentive, not the time to play it cool?

It's like an alarm bell goes off in men's heads once they know a girl starts letting her guard down and really liking them and that's when it all falls apart. (And admittedly an alarm bell goes off in women's heads that makes them act cray-cray after they get naked with a guy for the first time...I am obviously a shining example of THAT right now). I really hope I am not reading into the silence too much and I hope it's just a product of me having been treated badly in the past. I hope to feel really stupid later when he texts me like usual. (I hope).

Parker has surprised me at every turn so odds point to him continuing to to do so. I just keep focusing on what an amazing time we had last night (and this morning) and how he kept telling me how much he liked me being in his bed...but I just can't help the feeling in my gut that is telling me something is up and life thus far has taught me that 90% of the time, even when I want to ignore it, (and even when I do) my gut instinct turns out to be right. Damn it! But even that still gives me 10% chance, right?

Dating Bender: Episode 7 - "Non-Starter"

I will never understand why men who get a girl to agree to go out with them will the suddenly falter on the follow-through.

Stats-
Name: Dylan
Age: 29
Hometown: ?
Currently Resides: Santa Monica
The Date: TBD

Dylan's first email to me was this:

Whats your schedule look like? Would you care to have lunch (or dinner) with me perhaps next weekend?

Once I checked out his profile, saw that he was cute and "seemed normal" I wrote back:

Very forward, I like it. Dinner sounds great (usually more fun than lunch), thanks for asking :-) You know, you are the first guy to actually ask me out on this site... it's been a lot of pointless emailing...

So far, I'm still free this weekend.

So, did he miss the "very forward, I like it" part? Because our next series of emails were him saying "Oops I forgot I might actually be going camping this weekend, but maybe Thursday, I'll let you know by tomorrow." And then, of course, him promptly NOT letting me know by the next day.

That was a sign of things to come.

On Thursday, when I still hadn't heard from him, I sent him a text: "So...Next Week?"
He replied that he could make Saturday work and I said that I could as well so we agreed to make plans.

Later that evening he sent a text to ask if he could call me. WTF? When did men become such wusses? I already told him I like that he was forward. You know the best way to see if I'm available for a chat? Dial the effing phone. Jeez.

I was already out so I couldn't talk to him but said we should talk the next day. He said he would call me then. Well, ladies and gentleman, what do you think happened the next day? That's right - no phone call from Dylan. Since I had already sent him the "So.." text on Thursday I decided I was not going to send him another nudge - I shouldn't have to nag someone into taking me on a date. I figured he was just a typical LA flake and that was it, so I made my plans with Parker (which turned out to be a great decision) and mentally told Dylan to eff off.

At 5:30pm on Saturday evening (really?!?) I got a text from Dylan: "What time are we thinking about grabbing dinner tonight? (If we're still on) :-P

Did you really think I hadn't already made plans for the night by 5:30? (Truth talk - prior to the dating bender I would have probably been on my couch, haha). Dude, this was supposed to be a first date - I am not some buddy you are grabbing beers with after work. What time are we grabbing dinner? I don't know...what time did you make the reservation for?

I apologized and gently told him I had made other plans since he said he was going to call me the day before and didn't, I figured he was going to flake out.
He said: "Yeah, I figured neither of us were really on top of it :("

Um, excuse me? Neither of us? Since when is it my job to plan a date that you asked me out on? You were not on top of it. Say it one more time for emphasis, you were not on top of it. My only job was to say yes (which I did already) and to show up. Don't like it? There's a surgery for that.

The next day I sent him a text saying that I would be happy to reschedule and let him know that since he was the one who asked me out, it was my expectation that he was going to take the lead on making the plans. (I'm honest). He agreed that he would like to reschedule too and then made some half-assed excuse that the reason we didn't end up making plans was because I wasn't available when he wanted to talk to me (yeah, that's gonna happen a lot, buddy, I have a life) and he got too distracted (all day?) the next day. Whatever.

I said: "Okay, well let's make a plan"
He said: "Indeed, let's do it."

...and then nothing. WTF?

So, I said: "Haha, I guess I should be more clear...You come up with a plan, then you ask me what days I'm free, we'll pick one of those days and make it a date. Like a real one. :-)

I realize this kind of makes me sound like a B*tch, but seriously this was getting to be too much. How do you ask a girl out and then not know it's your responsibility to make it happen?

He said: "Hahahaha!! Okay I'll do that."

...and then nothing. WTF? This time it was nothing for 3 days except for a stupid YouTube link he sent to me  that he thought was funny, that wasn't.

Yesterday Dylan resurfaced with this gem: "I still would like to meet up with you. I've just been so crazy busy as of late, that it's hard for me to find the time to make a 'hard set' time to meet up. Don't give up in our meeting up. I promise we'll have a great time."

My reply: "Well let me know when you can set aside some time."

Listen. No one, and I mean no one is that busy. Why would I possibly wait around for this guy? He doesn't even seem that great, he definitely needs a thesaurus, and while I was previously attracted to his forwardness (is that a word?) it was because I thought it implied masculinity, but I've had to give this kid step-by-step directions on how to set up a date and he still hasn't even managed to figure it out yet. So now he just seems like some boy I would have to train.

Something tells me though, we haven't heard the last of Dylan...

Playing Games

If you've been reading my last few posts - particularly the ones about Parker - then you will know how I keep making a pretty big deal out of the fact that he is coming after me full-force and isn't playing any games.

Well it's really got me thinking about game-playing within the dating dynamic, in general. I have never believed in playing games but that didn't seem to ever work for me, especially in Los Angeles, so I started to see them as a necessary evil. Plus, these days it seems like everyone from Cosmo to Anderson Cooper (I don't know why those seem like opposites to me, but they do) advocates that you have to play the game. So unfortunately, I got pretty good at it. The thing is, that didn't seem to work that well either.

So enter this guy who all of a sudden follows up right after a date, calls when he says he is going to call, tries to see me all the time, and a week into knowing him we have been in pretty consistent contact every day. If this was I guy I wasn't interested in, would this bother me? Probably. But then again, I wouldn't have reciprocated so it probably wouldn't have gotten to this point anyway. But I am interested in him. I don't wait to respond to his text messages, I have willingly accommodated his "extra date" requests, and really like that he wants to talk to me all the time. Does this mean that games don't work? Yes. But not because they don't work. Confused? Let me explain...

I signed on to Facebook today (Follow Penny on Facebook!) and one of my friends had posed a question as his status update: "Who plays more games in relationships. Girls or Guys?" Immediately all the single girls, guys, and gays went about slinging rocks...A couple of the most cynical  were...
"Girls. It's always girls. Even when it's same-sex and they're dudes, it's some girls fault."
"It's all a game. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying or losing at it."

But then somone said (And I couldn't help but notice she was in a relatioship and from the looks of her photos, although admittedly photos don't always tell the whole story, she looked very happily in a relaionship)...
 "neither if you are with the right one   " 

Then I had my "Ah ha!" moment. Could that be what's going on here? When you meet the right one and you are on the same page from Day 1, the need for pretense disappears? Is that why both my non-game playing and my game playing have never worked? I just wasn't with the right guy. At this point I am most definitely acknowledging it is a distinct possibility.

So...does that mean Parker is THE guy? It is sure starting to feel like it - in thinking back to all the guys I've dated, I don't think I have ever felt this way about someone: giddy, excited, strangely calm and totally on the same page. What I mean by that is, I am oh-so attracted to him and I still have all the amazing butterflies when I think about him but it has nothing to do with wondering when he is going to call or when I am going to see him. It's just entirely about our potential. Last night right before all his boys arrived he sent me a quick text. I told him to have fun but if he felt like sending me some drunk texts later they would be welcome, but no pressure. Then he said, "Haha, I will. Don't you worry." And you know what? I wasn't worried; it's really really nice to know that someone you like really likes you back. After his friends left we talked on the phone for an hour and he told me how he told them all about me - and they approve. (Cue mini freak out session).

But seriously, does anyone ever actually find happiness with someone in the end who they played games with at the beginning? I know I sure haven't.

Dating Bender: Episode 6 - "Dog Days of Summer"

Stats-
Name: Cooper
Age: 5
Occupation: Best Friend (and Wiiiing-Dog!)
Hometown: The Pound
Currently Resides: Parker's House
The Date: A hike "Double-Date" with the humans

A couple days ago I got the idea that Parker and I should introduce our dogs - I told him that we should see if they get along now because no matter how much we like each other, if the kids didn't get along it could be a deal-breaker. I have had my dog for 5 years and he has had his for 4, so it's not like either of us is dealing with a new puppy we could give to our parents or a sibling, ya know? (I think I made him nervous...). But he was so cute he said, "We'll make them get along. We can't let them decide how this is going to go."

This morning we met at the base of Runyon and the introduction went swimmingly. I wasn't nervous since my little Pepper has never met a living creature she didn't want to befriend but Cooper has has some growling incidents with some of the big kids on the playground - when I met him I realized it was probably out of fear more than anything else...he's not a very big guy - but he's super cute.

And come on, Pepper and Cooper? I'm really starting to think Parker and I were made for each other. Leave it to me to set out on a dating bender after 2 1/2 years of meeting no one but losers and jerks in this city only to meet a great guy on the second try. #happypeopleproblems

And those eyes (Parker's, not the dog) ...They are so amazing! They change color with what he's wearing. Today they were bright blue-green! Not to mention he looked so cute in his workout gear and backwards cap. :-)

He is hosting a boys poker night tonight and had to run errands most of the day but we walked to our cars together and played some kissy-face - about as much as we could handle with the post-hike sweatyness and our respective dogs tugging on their leashes - and he said he'll see me Thursday and talk to me later. We have made quite the habit of communicating a lot which feels really good considering most guys like to play a lot of stupid games. (i.e. Bernie AKA Mr. Sunday who still hasn't called me, shocking.)

But Parker has already told me how amazing and pretty he thinks I am - and that he thinks it really sucks that he met me right before he is leaving town for 3 weeks. (On our first date I told him I date a lot so I think he might be nervous I am going to meet someone else while he is gone....). And he even sent me a text after our hike today telling me what a great time he and Cooper had with me and Pepper. I just can't keep saying how cute he is, you see it too, right?

So excited for our Thursday date that was supposed to be our second date but is now our fourth. Dare I say it? Life is good. (Knock on wood).

Dating Bender: Episode 5 - "Mr. Sunday"

Stats-
Name: Bernard (aka Mr. Sunday)
Age: 32
Height: 5'9"
Occupation: Movie Biz
Hometown: Philly
Currently Resides: West LA
The Date: Patio drinks in WeHo

As I said a couple times already, I was pretty excited for this date. I knew, at a minimum, we would have really good conversation and for me that is the key to avoiding the dreaded bad date. No attraction is a bummer, but you can always just dodge the kiss at the end of the evening with a nice "butt out, pat on the back" hug, but if the conversation is boring, a date will quickly start to feel like a visit to the gyno. (Most men would use a dentist reference there, but that's just because they don't have to go to the gyno...am I right, ladies? But, I digress...)

About 15 minutes before we were supposed to meet, Bernie sent a text that he was running 10 minutes late and told me not to rush. That was totally fine by me since I was running about 15 minutes late. When I finally arrived he said "I'm surprised I beat you here." I said, "Well you told me not to rush, so I took my time and let you get here first." He said, "good power move." (Hmm...what it actually was, was a good cover up for me just being later than him not a power play, but okay).

He already had a beer when I got there so I ordered myself a drink. We had good conversation, talked about what we do, our families, and ordered another round, which was a good sign. Then, as it turned out, one of his best friends was a manager there so we were sent over a complimentary appetizer that we didn't order. It was a nice gesture - I am not sure if it was supposed to show me how cool this guy is or if it was supposed to be a sign from the friend that he gave a thumbs up on my "hotness", both, or if I'm reading too much into it, but I was hungry so I appreciated it anyway.

He confessed that he was very hungover from the night before and I copped to the fact that I had plans to go bowling with some friends after so we tabbed out after our second round and called it an evening. He paid. We hugged (I didn't let him kiss me - I don't think you get that reward for a half-assed hangover date and discounted drinks at your friend's bar, sorry) At one point he even said to me, "If I wasn't as excited as I was to meet you I would have canceled." So I guess it was sort of a weird compliment...but all signs already point to this guy being a typical LA "dude." He suggested we do this again and I agreed, so I figure I'll hear from him at some point - probably in the requisite 3 days since he won't want to come off as too eager.

Chances I'll hear from him again: 4 out of 5

Here is the thing though - and I feel like a huge nerd for saying this - but I kind of understand what the "Bachelorette" must go through as we are all watching her going, "I can't believe she isn't into that guy, he is so amazing!" I think that if I didn't already have something developing with Parker I would have been a lot more psyched about Bernie. If Parker didn't exist, Bernie would be a great prospect for me - it's just really hard for someone to play catch-up in the feelings department.

That being said, if Bernie does call me to go out again, I am going to go. I owe that to myself.

And on the flip side of that, Parker and I are going on a hike tomorrow to introduce our dogs (seriously, could we be any cuter?)