Thankful for Blessings in Disguise...

It is that time of year when people get nostalgic and reflect on their year and their life and acknowledge all the things that they are grateful for - for me it is not only due to Thanksgiving and New Years, but I also have a birthday coming up...so I usually reflect 3-fold.

Well suffice to say, I've had a pretty crappy year. I am not a fan of 2010 and I am very ready for it to be over. My boyfriend whom I thought loved me, turned out to not, we had some major ups and downs and eventually broke up, I had to let go of n him as a lover and a best friend, but also of the life we had planned for ourselves, then we got back together again, only for him to leave me again (crushing me worse the latter time), then he moved on very quickly with someone else, I am still alone, and this just in...I lost my job.

It's really hard to be thankful for anything when you just want to curl up in a ball and lie around for a few weeks hoping when you re-emerge life will be better. But, I thought it important to focus on some of the positives that stem from all the negative.

On losing work:
It's not often that we are given a chance in life to have a completely blank slate and rebuild our lives to our exact specifications. In fact, it may never happen to some people. There is usually at least one thing in our lives that is keeping us "here." Well, when I met my ex I didn't have a job and was thinking about moving from Austin, but our relationship started out so wonderfully that I stayed for him. Then I got a great job and when my boyfriend and I broke up, I stayed for work. Now, I am not obligated to person, place or thing and I can figure out what it is I want, where I want to go, what I want to do, who I am want to be and be with. For that, I am thankful.

On losing love:
I had a weird thought the other day when I realized that I am in a strange way thankful for this breakup. It is still painful and I still miss my ex almost every day (the pain of which is compounded by knowing he is happy with someone else and I am still alone) but he actually gave me an amazing gift. He gave me back the excitement of a first kiss with someone who has infinite potential and the thrill of hearing someone tell me he loves me for the first time; and the opportunity to find someone who means those words when he says them. He gave me the chance for true love and happiness. For that, I am thankful.

On being alone:
It's been exactly 4 weeks from the day I last saw and spoke to my ex. Since the day we met in February of 2009 (before we even started dating) this is by far the longest we have ever gone without contact. It is excruciating. But it has given me a fresh perspective too. When I look back on our relationship I don't see a lot of myself in it. I see a lot of what he wanted, a lot of his friends, and the life he planned, and I see a shell of who I am and what I am capable of just being along for the ride. I guess there is a reason that "hindsight is 20/20" is a popular saying. I finally see that he is not the person he thinks and claims to be, and that I was so enchanted by the words I missed what the actions were saying. So as hard as it it still is, I am FINALLY getting some clarity. For that, I am thankful.

I guess it's not that hard to find things in my life to be thankful for. And for that, I am truly thankful.

Pointless Conversation.

I am currently embroiled in one of the more annoying text conversations I have ever had the misfortune to have started...

I met this guy at a mutual friend's party about a month ago. He is pretty cute (I am a super sucker for dimples) and tall and dark and smart (well, he graduated high school at 16 and had his MBA by 22)...but I was kind of turned off by his arrogant attitude, his taste in music, and our seemingly incompatible senses of humor... So really, I didn't mind that he got my number and never called.

About a week ago (while out drinking with said mutual friend) he came up in conversation and I ended up texting him something sassy like..."You never called, I guess it must have worked out with one of your two bingo girls :)" (I swear that made sense in the context of the conversation we had the first night we met) He explained that he had in fact been involved with one of the girls but "funny that I mention that" it had just ended. We exchanged a few more texts that evening and it kinda just went nowhere and I went to bed.

Well, I got a text from him yesterday...he had found out that I lost my job (again, from said mutual friend - who I am slightly irked at for sharing this news with a practical stranger who never found the balls to ask me out). But he was understanding tried to make me feel better by claiming to be jealous of all the free time I now had which I thought was kinda nice. But again, our texts just went nowhere and I went to bed.

In all fairness, I must admit that both times it was me who chose not to respond to the last text message...

So, this morning I decided to text him and ask how he was spending his free time today...he told me and then asked me what I was up to, I told him that I am spending the day in a coffee shop writing my Grad School application essays (and apparently a blog post too ;) but that "as my reward for my hard work today I want to go out and have some fun tonight..." (Hello??? Hint, mother-effing Hint!) So we have basically been exchanging non-committal (a.k.a. B-S) text messages all afternoon. I can't believe he still hasn't asked me out, this is ridiculous! Dating. Grrrrrr. Oh wait, this isn't even dating...Pre-dating. Even bigger Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......

Eye Opener

I have a guy friend, Rod, who I kind of fell out of touch with because of my ex. The three of us were in a band together and this guy and I always got along really well. We had a great chemisty and communicated very well non-verbally when practicing and on-stage together (which, if you've ever been in a band you know, is extremely helpful and important).

So, naturally, this chemistry between Rod and myself made my ex uncomfortable and threatened. My ex convinced me that Rod had a crush on me and that for the sake of the band and our relationship, I needed to have a conversation with Rod and explain that I was just not interested. (Which actually wasn't true, because in all honesty, I kind of was - but I never admitted that until now.) I never ended up having a conversation with Rod because I didn't feel it necessary. But in order to appease my ex, I basically stopped doing what came so naturally to Rod and I...communicating with him non-verbally (or as the ex saw it, flirting). I did this for my ex because, as I have said before, I thought it was worth it for the person I loved.

Well, since my ex and I broke up (again) I decided that it was time to try and renew my friendship with Rod. So, he and I have been talking and emailing a lot. And on Saturday night, he met up with me and a friend downtown. (First at Townhouse, then Lucky Loungs and then we made our way over to Barcelons - for the locals ;) We were having a great time, and I couldn't quite tell if he was flirting with me (and I wasn't sure if I was flirting with him) but I had just enough drinks to ask him a very bold question...(by this point, my friend had excused herself and had gone home - smart girl)...

Me: "Can I ask you a personal question?"
Rod: (no hesitation) "Sure"
Me: "Did you ever have a crush on me?"
Rod: "No. Sorry?"
Me: "No, it's not a big deal, I was just curious because [my ex] made such a big deal out of it."
Rod: "Really? I'm sorry to hear that, I would have never wanted to be in the middle."
Me: "No worries, I just think it's really funny that he was wrong."
Rod: "Yeah, the more I think about it, he doesn't read situations very well at all."

Wow, I LOVED that comment! It was so true. My ex wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, and it definitely extended to "perception," meaning he is not perceptive. And I am not the only one who noticed. Which I am going to take one step further and say that if I am right about this, then I am probably right about many of the other things I have realized about my ex, since the breakup. I think I am finally starting to see things with renewed clarity. And it feels great!

P.S. slight frowny face for that fact that Rod doesn't have a thing for me :(

Cleansing

While I really hate housework, for some reason I have been compelled to spend all day today puttering around the house. I cleaned out the garage, cleaned out the fridge, did the dishes, took out all the trash & recycling, trimmed the shrubs on my porch, watered the plants, cleared away the dead tomato plants from my garden...and you know what? I feel great!

I feel productive, accomplished, and satisfied. And you know what else? That anxious feeling in my stomach is gone, for maybe the first time in months!

2 days wiser...

Yesterday I was an emotional mess. Today I feel so much better.

I have been thinking (something I do too much of, too often) that I shouldn't let this recent revelation about my ex having an "Alice" set me back. I mean, when I think about it (there I go again...) him telling me doesn't change anything. He would still be seeing her whether I know or not.

Prior to Monday when the bomb dropped I was doing okay. I was still sad, but as I wrote at the beginning of my post, I had a pretty good two weeks. I have to start believing that I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. Sounds like a pretty simple concept, right?

Well if he's moved on, then I officially have no excuse not to. So...stay tuned to watch me work on that.

I leave you with two quotes from songs I have found recently that really reflect what I am going through:

"And there were some things that I did not tell him; there were certain things he did not need to know. And there were some days when I did not love him; he didn't understand me. And I don't know why I didn't go." - Ani Difranco, "Rush Hour"

"Who am I kidding? It wasn't meant to be. But you wanted a believer and I needed to believe." - Amanda Marshall, "Why Don't You Love Me"

Deep Dark October

First, I must apologize for not posting for so long. I've been a bit of a mess. (Actually, I think calling it a "bit" is a "major" understatement).

I have been really struggling with this breakup, again. And I hesitated to post because I was (am) afraid that most of what I have to say is not very positive or funny as the title of my blog would indicate. In fact, it's mostly negative and heartbreaking. But, I guess true heartbreak is an "Adventure in Dating" just not one I recommend pursuing.

For the past two weeks, I have been walking around feeling a lot better. I thought I had accepted that he and I were over and I really thought I was ready to be friends. I was pursuing a friendly relationship with him, emailing him articles I knew he would think were funny and texting when I had seen a great concert I know he would have liked...

We were friends before we started dating and I wanted to get some of that back. Because more than I missed the physical parts of our relationship, I missed our friendship.

I thought things were going pretty well (as I so often seem to do with him, only to later be proven very very wrong). He was not responding to every single one of my messages, but mostly all of them, in a relatively timely fashion. I didn't take it personally because I thought it was hard for him too...this whole break up thing.

He texted me last week to say he had a shirt I had lent him (I had given it to him, but whatever) and did I want it back? I said I thought he wanted it but if he was going to get rid of it, then yes, I would take it back. Plus he also had another t-shirt, some expensive facial sunscreen, and a tupperware of mine, could he bring that too? He said he wasn't going to mention the tupperware, but sure he'd bring it.

He came over last night to drop the stuff off. And truth be told, I really wanted to see him. It's been since we broke up (for the LAST time) on September18th that we have seen eachother. (SIDE NOTE: I should have known better). I invited him in to chat. We caught up about what's going on in our lives. I asked him how his Halloween weekend was and he said it was fun. He went out "big" on Thursday and Friday and took it easy on Saturday and Sunday. He told me he dressed as the Mad Hatter on Thursday. Then I made my mistake...I said...

"Oh, cool. Did anyone else dress up with you?"

He said, "Yes, I had an Alice."

"Oh," I said, "You had an Alice?"

"Yes," he said, "I have and Alice. It was a planned thing. That's why the dropping off of the stuff is happening."

I said I was surprised, and that I was happy for him. And then said, "Wait, no I'm not."
He tried to make a little more polite conversation after that, but I just wanted him to leave. I think I am mostly mad that I gave him the satisfaction of seeing my face when he told me. He must have seen all the color drain from my face and the internal struggle that took place to hold back the tears. He left a few minutes later without much fanfare. He said goodbye and didn't look back. I closed the door and locked it.

So here I am, now unable to even be friends with him and so angry at myself for LITERALLY opening the door for him to hurt me again. I have no clue why he felt the need to hurt me again, I never hurt him and I certainly didn't deserve it. I KNOW this guy is a selfish, manipulative jerk, that he came over to my house with the purpose of telling me he was seeing someone just to make sure I still had feelings for him, and I should hate him. All of this I know. In my head.

Now I just have to wait for my heart to catch up. And the incident last night has definitely set me back some. It definitely hurts that he was so quick to move on from me, it makes me feel like what we had wasn't as special as I believed it to be. But I need to confront all these things, I need to realize that moving on is what's best for me, and even though it feels like a step backward, maybe it will propel me forward several steps knowing we are truly, truly, in the truest sense of the word, done.