The 5 Stages of A Break-up

For those who don't know, there is a well known psychological theory (or is it proven?...I'm not sure, I think all things psychological are probably always theories, right?) published by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross about the 5 Stages of Grief one goes through when confronting the idea of your own mortality (i.e. if you've just recieved a terminal diagnosis). It goes a little something like this:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Well, this got me thinking about how I deal with breakups and that they are their own form of loss - obviously not as serious as facing death (obviously.)- but depending on the depth and breadth of a particular relationship, (and in our own dramatic fairy-tale land) it can certainly feel that way sometimes...

BUT - when coping with a breakup, I think the order is somewhat different, at least it is for me -I think it goes a little something like this:

1. Denial - this is when you usually think that it's not really over. That he was acting or reacting irrationally and that he will call or text or swing by and tell you how sorry he is... you might might even call or send your own text (or, ahem, texts) trying to get him to talk things over again - like you are still in a relationship, even though you're not.

2. Depression - when said phone call, text, random drop-by never happens (or your own attempts are rejected) - this is when the crying usually starts. (An important note: This stage is not defined by tears because crying is not exclusive to this stage of the process - depending on the relationship and the kind of person you are, I submit that crying may be present in Stages 1, 2 and 3) This is likely when you blame yourself for being terrible at relationships, think of everything you did wrong, don't want to be social, watch The Notebook and/or listen Ani DiFranco - and depending on the kind of person you are, you either gain some weight by eating a bunch of junk food or lose weight by sleeping a lot and not eating much at all. (Thank goodness I am the latter). The sad truth is, this stage can last a long time if you let it...I sunk in for about a month (if not longer) with my ex. Don't let it.

3. Anger (or as I like to call it: The Lightbulb Stage) - after you have gone over every conversation in your head and reviewed most of the text messages on your phone (come on, be honest, that's why we all save them...) you soon realize that - (lightbulb!) he was a jerk, "just not that into you", it was all is fault, you should have seen it sooner, you're way too good for him, or whatever other epiphany you have, after having gone over and over things a million times and examined them from every angle, that snaps you out of the depression stage. This is also likely when you'll defriend, unfollow, block, delete numbers, photos, emails, and any other records of your relationship that remind you of being happy together and/or make it easy for you to see him find happiness with someone else.

4. Bargaining - some people never go here (if you are one of those people, PLEASE tell me your secret), and I used to not (in my younger days), but now I always seem to... this is when you try to get back together. It's quite possible you will send an embarassing email or try to bump into him in places you think he'll be, or as I did with my ex a few years ago just casually put feelers out for "catch up" session. Best case scenario, this will work temporarily. But it will almost certainly end again and when that happens you'll just end up back at Stage 1. (In my experience - unless the "Breaker" decides they want to get back with the "Breakee" it is not a scenario that will workout long-term. Feel free to try and prove me wrong, and good luck to you, in all sincerity).

5. Acceptance - the way I have recently learned to channel the failure of my bargaining attempts, is to catapult me into acceptance. There is only so much you can put yourself through, right? How many times can you tell someone how you feel, put yourself out there, try to work it out, and keep getting told that's not enough - by the same person? Eventually you start to realize you deserve someone who appreciates you, everything you have to offer and wants to give you that in return. And suddenly everything starts to be okay.