#instagramofficial

...Somebody has a boyfriend...

Stats-
Name: Reuben
Age: 32
Height: 5'11"
Religion: Jewish
Occupation: Digital Media
Education: Ivy League (ding ding ding!)
Hometown: New Orleans, LA
Currently Resides: Hollywood
The Dates: So many good ones

(Did I hit the jackpot or what?)

First let me say - I am THE. WORST. Obviously I owe all my LOYAL readers a HUGE apology (cause there are SO many of you out there, right?). Seriously though, I don't have much of an excuse for walking away from this project for 7 months... I have certainly been doing my fair-share of dating in that time. My one and only Tinder story is the stuff of legends! (and obvs material for a later post) and more as a public shaming to myself - I love this project and I really should be more consistent.

So, back to the post at-hand... I have a boyfriend, y'all!

We have been together for a little over 3 months and I guess I'll have to tell our "getting together" story in reverse over the course of a few posts but most recently we went "official" with an instagram pic, which is kind of a big deal for a number of reasons...

1.  We work together

Dear HR, I knowingly and willingly enter into this consensual, adult, sexual relationship. Eeek!

2.  My ex refused to ever acknowledge our relationship on SM

Facebook was really the only social platform at that time and we never changed our status in the 2 years we were together; he was afraid it would negatively affect the audience of our band. He felt it was important that we always appear "available." What a dick. Oh the things that become SO CLEAR to us in hindsight. I would NEVER let anyone treat me like that now. Ugh.

3. Social media. Period.

Social media can cause so many problems in a relationship, the least of which is miscommunication and I would posit the most of which is the temptation to and/or straight up cheating. I went back through my blog to see if I had ever posted my personal policy on social media and dating and was SHOCKED that I hadn't written a post on it yet, SHOCKED, I tell you - especially because I wrote a "Rules of Singledom" post - I really dropped the ball on that one. 

So, guess what that means...?

BONUS BLOG: Social Media Etiquette When Dating 

I feel very strongly about this subject (side note: I feel very strongly about a lot of subjects which is what makes having a blog great!). The premise is very simple - You DO NOT become any form of social media friends with ANYONE you are dating until you are BOYFRIEND & GIRLFRIEND. PERIOD. Not just "exclusive" - but serious, ready to change your status, BF/GF.

Some FAQ's:

What about Following them on Twitter?: NO

What about Following on Instagram?: NO

How about becoming Facebook friends?: NO

How will I know what they are doing?: Ask them (a novel concept, I know)

What if I think they are lying?: Then they are probably not someone you should be dating

What about Snapchat?: OK, this is an exception to the rule, since it's not technically a network

Can I check their social networks: YES, this is totally allowed (from time-to-time) - it makes sense to vet people, check to see who you know in common (esp, when you are online dating, look at some pictures) but most people have plenty of information available publicly and you don't need to take the added step to make it "feed" into your consciousness. When you are not friends/following you have to take that extra step to look at their page - and if you do it too often - it really is a little like cyber-stalking, and that is unhealthy - you are awesome and have a life, stop cyber-stalking! :-) 

I do have some very good reasons for this policy - generally it's just that in the beginning stages, dating is just that, dating. Likely both of you are dating a couple different people - maybe you are in the process of wrapping up a casual thing, maybe he went out on a couple dates with another girl last month but decided he didn't like her that much, but may still want to sleep with her if he can - the point is, after one or two dates... who knows, amirite!?! Why torture yourself with the status update and the pictures and the et cetera. Just don't.

Then, as you start dating more often, you still don't want to know the things that you are being left out of - because it starts to hurt your feelings, right? When you are together, things are so great! But social media - it can derail an otherwise good thing. So, just say no.

In all honesty another good reason comes from an example of the ONE time in recent history that I broke my own rule and lived to regret it - it was with Parker - obviously. (Seriously, could that mini-relationship have been a better learning experience?) He was traveling abroad, so we decided to become Facebook friends before he left so that I could see his pictures and potentially "chat" through FB messenger while he was gone. So, the intention was good - but once we were FB friends we decided to follow each other on Instagram and so on...

Well, we all know how things worked out with Parker; they didn't. So what did I have to do? Defriend, unfollow.. Then I was all... When do I do that? Do I block him? How soon is too soon? I don't want to look dramatic and defriend him right away...but I don't want HIM to do it first. And on and on and on. So after I defriended and unfollowed and blocked the ONLY thing I could think was how immature and childish the whole thing made me feel. It left me with such a bad taste in my mouth that it just reconfirmed my policy to NEVER be social media anythings with anyone ever again until he was my boyfriend.

ENTER Reuben.

Dating Bender: Episode 3 - "Putt Putt Putz" & Bonus Blog: "Playing It Cool, Fail."

Stats -
Name: Abe
Age: 33
Height: 5'11"
Occupation: Movie Biz (Production)
Hometown: Somewhere in North Carolina
Currently Resides: The Valley (do I need to say ugh, again?)
The Date: Drinks and Mini-golf (points for creativity!)

This was my first real "awkward first date" experience. Abe was nice, I liked him, and we generally had a good time... Wait, let me back up a minute...

We decided to meet for a drink in The Valley since the best mini-golf place is there and I suggested 7pm. I left my place around 6:15 knowing that it usually only takes me 40 minutes max. to get over the hill (I apologize to my non-LA readers if this is not making sense to you...). At 6:55 when I was still on Sunset I sent a text that I was going to be "very" late, not wanting to specify a time since I had no idea how much longer it was going to take me at that point.

Fast forward another 30 minutes and I had finally arrived at this (actually) great little Gastropub we were meeting at. But, with over an hour in the car, it really got me thinking. My first serious relationship was long distance: I lived in Austin and he lived in Dallas. That's a 2 1/2 hour drive. What I disliked most about that relationship was how disconnected we were from each other's everyday lives because spending time together was always an "event." We weren't integrated into each other's social circles and essentially were taking mini-vacations every time we spent weekends together - and I vowed never to get into a long-distance relationship ever again. What I mean to say by all that back-story is, dating someone that takes over an hour to get to on a Friday night is kind of like having a long-distance relationship particularly if you plan to go home that evening as well. All told, I was in the car for 1:45 last night getting to and from the date...I could be almost to Dallas by now! (If I still lived in Austin, I mean ;-) So already before the date I had kind of decided that this guy would have to be REALLY special for me to consider him a real prospect. He was dating at a disadvantage, which I'll admit is not really fair, but hey, them's the breaks.

On to the the date: the reason it was awkward - every time he did or said something he thought was awkward, he said it! Like, "oh I can't believe I said that", or "oh, that was awkward."  It was kind of endearing at first but then it just got a little annoying. Dude, let me make up my own mind! If he hadn't kept pointing it out, I wouldn't have noticed, I just thought he was funny. But I was still mostly having fun.

So after mini-golf we walked back to his car (we met at the gastropub and I left my car) and he asked me, "so how much do you want to see me again?" We had brought a flask of whiskey to mini-golf so it was funny at the time and actually not weird. So I responded with, "you should tell me on a scale of 1-5 how much you think I want to see you again." (Trying to get a little inside info. for my blog...hehe) He misinterpreted and asked, "How much do I want to see you again on a scale of 1-5?" So I said, "Even better! Sure." And he said 3. HE. FREAKING. SAID. 3. I was like, "okay, cool. You wanna take me to my car?"

He couldn't understand why I was annoyed, so I explained to him that 60% is not good. He tried to reason that 5 out of 5 seems too eager but he probably should have said 4 out of 5. I asked him why he would want to date someone who would be freaked out by you being eager to see them again? We decided to go grab one more beer to try and salvage the evening, but there were no seats so we ended up standing by the bathroom and he proceeded to tell me about his effed up sisters.

Still, I chalked up the end of the night to us having spent WAY too much time together on the first date, him being nervous, and relatively new to being back on the market, me asking a dumb question and then getting mad about it only because I had whiskey in my system and decided I would give him a quick peck when he dropped me off to indicate I was willing to try again.

So I leaned over to give him my hug/peck move and I got the cheek! W.T.F.!?!? All I could say was..."oh, wow." And I got out of the car. He felt like an idiot because he got out of the car and came to kiss me as I was unlocking the door to my car, and apologized for not realizing "that's what was happening." But, seriously, dude? You can't possibly be that bad at dating.

Chances I'll hear from this guy again: 3 out of 5 (lol)

BONUS BLOG: Thursday night I had plans with my girl Kelly. She is a dancer and had a show that I went to go see...while I was out I got the cutest messages from Parker; the man is really not into game-playing. Me like-y.

Him: What are you getting into tonight?

Me: At my friend's show and then going to a CD release later

Why are you so cool? Hah That sounds like a lot of fun?

Haha, you just happened to catch me on a rare cool night ;-)

Haha. Well sounds like you've got a great night ahead of you. I'll probably lay relatively low tonight, I have a late night tomorrow 

...and we had a late night last night :-)

Yeah we did. A great one :-D Was worth it.

Agreed.

Wish it wasn't going to be until next Thursday that we go out but I'll take it - though I'm going to the Venice Music Crawl on Saturday and then a friend's house party so if you have any interest in coming to the Westside let me know.

I know...damn our opposite social calendars! I'll let you know if anything changes.

Well, fast-forward to after last night - and on the heels of Monday night's date fail and I started thinking...I really like Parker; we had so much fun and our Chemistry is undeniable. I think I was a bit spoiled because that is how I felt with TMBOG2 and then I felt it again with Parker so soon so I might not have noticed how rare it actually is. (Kudos, Dating Bender for teaching me lessons!) So I this is what I sent to Parker this morning:

Me: Good morning sunshine :-) How was your night hike?

Hey! Really cool, but I'm a little sore. Got some cool pics though. How are you?

I'm good! A little sunburned from my Runyon hike yesterday, but I'll live.

No fun, sorry to hear that. What are you getting into today?

I have a BBQ to go to at noon, it's a going away party. But, I realized that I don't want to wait until Thursday to see you again either...so I was hoping the invite for the Venice Music thing is still on the table :-)

Yeah, for sure :-) And I'd love to see you today!

Cool, I'll let you know when I head to the Westside.

 Umm...so how cute is that? "I'd love to see you today!" Good thing the feeling is mutual or I'd be muy creeped out by how into me this guy is. 

So, EPIC FAIL for playing it cool with Parker, but he is making it awfully hard. I am a sucker for a man who pursues me. And don't worry, I am still going to date bend. Mr. Sunday and I are meeting for patio drinks tomorrow. Stay Tuned.

Dating Bender: Episode 2 - "Enter Parker"

Stats -
Name: Parker
Age: 30
Height: 6'0"
Occupation: Teacher (cute)
Education: Master's Degree (woot woot!)
Hometown: Boston
Currently Resides: Mid-City
The Date: Drinks at a bar/restaurant in Weho

Parker is actually one of the only guys I contacted first, and it was because we had this coincidental connection about our parents being from the same place and having relocated to the same city and having conflicting sports allegiances - but usually I like to let the guy make the first move.

When I walked in, he was already waiting for me at the bar - he was just as cute, if not cuter, than his pictures. (yay!) Pretty much from the moment I sat down, the conversation flowed like we were old friends who hadn't seen each other in years; we talked about music, food, our families, his "kids" (he's a teacher, see above)...for 6 hours! It was pretty ridiculous how much we have in common.

I'm not going to recount all of our conversation for you, for obvious reasons, but early on in the evening I ordered a drink and since he had already started a tab the bartender asked if he should put it on his tab and he said "yes." I said, "thanks."

Then we ordered our second round and the bartender didn't ask, he just put the drinks on Parker's tab, which makes sense.

I started to get hungry, so I said, "I'm think I am going to order a little something, are you hungry? He said, "I can always eat." I LOVE that answer. So we (and by "we" I mean I) ordered a steamed artichoke and seared tuna appetizers just for a little snack. The bartender, again just put it on Parker's tab.

At that point I felt a little bad so I said to Parker, "We can split up the bill later if you want." I didn't want him to think I was taking advantage because the tab issue is a little different than the bill coming at the end of the night, since his credit card is already being held by the bartender. (As you ladies know, the check moment is THE moment when you get feedback on how the date is going, and it usually comes at the end, I got it in the middle).

BONUS BLOG: When on a date, especially the first date (but I suggest all the way through date 3) you must always offer and BE PREPARED TO pay for your half of the date. I never offer to pay for the whole thing and once they've said "no, don't worry about it," don't insist on paying, that's weird. It's personal preference but, I usually don't do the wallet reach since it usually looks disingenuous and my purse it usually so disorganized it's just a bunch of me fumbling around in there for 5 minutes. I'll just casually say, "Hey, do you want to split this?" If he says "yes" then he is not that into you, girl and you are not getting a follow-up phone call. If he lets you split it and then tries to follow up with you, I HIGHLY suggest you respectfully decline. A couple important notes: 1. Just because he does pay does not necessarily mean you are getting a second date, he might just have been raised right. 2. If you don't do the cursory "offer" that might be a deal-breaker for some guys because it appears that you were not raised right. 3. If you are not into a guy and you don't want the second date, don't bother with any of this and let him pay, if it's mutual and he's a real jerk though, he may call you out and make you pay your part. ;-)

So, where was I? Oh yes...Parker and I... I offered to split the bill later even though it was the middle of the date since I had just put food on his tab instead of opening up my own tab. He was so sweet and said, "don't worry about it, this is my treat." But then we actually got onto a conversation about dating etiquette which I thought was really funny given that we were only on a first date. But we felt so comfortable with each other it didn't seem weird that we were essentially talking about the politics of dating while just getting to know each other. We even exchanged our worst first date stories.

He told me that if he really likes a girl after a date he'll text her that same night and let her know he had a good time. So, of course I teased him that at least I would know later if tonight went well or not. I told him I was surprised he did the "same night text", but if I have a good time, and particularly on a night like tonight (when we spent 6 hours together he bought me 4 expensive mixed cocktails and food) I would send him an "I had a nice time, thank you." text the next day. He said, he's honest and doesn't like to mess around with people. It must be an East Coast thing, but if he doesn't like you, he's not gonna pretend he does and if he does like you, he'll show it. -- I like that.

Fast forward to 1:30 am when we finally closed out... we walked outside the bar and he gave me a sweet peck. The ONE negative to the night is he didn't offer to walk me to my car. And I have to admit, as amazing a time as I had last night, that one sticks with me a bit since I had to walk 2 blocks to my car down Santa Monica Blvd. alone.

When I got home I (obviously) got the same night text -

Him: So tonight was really fun. Looking forward to going out again. If you're free next Wednesday or even this Sunday night let me know. I figure anything that goes almost 6 hours is a good thing ;)

I have a going-away party to go to on Wednesday night next week, and I thought for a moment about canceling my Mr. Sunday to go out with Parker again and then I thought, this is exactly why you are doing a dating bender - to break your old habits! Plus, I'm really excited about Mr. Sunday, we have some seriously good witty text banter. 

Me: Glad I got the post-date text ;-) I had a lot of fun too, clearly. I'm busy Wed and Sun :-( but I definitely want to see you again soon. Let me know what else you have free and let's figure something out.

Him: Clearly you are sooo popular. I'm free next Thursday as well if you are. [Just have other stuff going on Monday and Tuesday nights] Or we can do a hike during the day or something like that. Friday I leave for a wedding.

Me: Thursday is perfect :-)

Him: Thursday it is. :)

Yay! Date number 2 with Parker is already booked for next week. I'm really excited!

This probably goes without saying but, Chances I'll hear from him again: 5 out of 5

Oh, I almost forgot to mention, and this is kind of a bummer, since he's on summer break from school, he is traveling for 3 weeks in July. Not a huge deal, since he is coming back, but that likely means that date number 2 will be our last until after he gets back to town...good thing I have so many other guys to keep me occupied! :-)