It is that time of year when people get nostalgic and reflect on their year and their life and acknowledge all the things that they are grateful for - for me it is not only due to Thanksgiving and New Years, but I also have a birthday coming up...so I usually reflect 3-fold.
Well suffice to say, I've had a pretty crappy year. I am not a fan of 2010 and I am very ready for it to be over. My boyfriend whom I thought loved me, turned out to not, we had some major ups and downs and eventually broke up, I had to let go of n him as a lover and a best friend, but also of the life we had planned for ourselves, then we got back together again, only for him to leave me again (crushing me worse the latter time), then he moved on very quickly with someone else, I am still alone, and this just in...I lost my job.
It's really hard to be thankful for anything when you just want to curl up in a ball and lie around for a few weeks hoping when you re-emerge life will be better. But, I thought it important to focus on some of the positives that stem from all the negative.
On losing work:
It's not often that we are given a chance in life to have a completely blank slate and rebuild our lives to our exact specifications. In fact, it may never happen to some people. There is usually at least one thing in our lives that is keeping us "here." Well, when I met my ex I didn't have a job and was thinking about moving from Austin, but our relationship started out so wonderfully that I stayed for him. Then I got a great job and when my boyfriend and I broke up, I stayed for work. Now, I am not obligated to person, place or thing and I can figure out what it is I want, where I want to go, what I want to do, who I am want to be and be with. For that, I am thankful.
On losing love:
I had a weird thought the other day when I realized that I am in a strange way thankful for this breakup. It is still painful and I still miss my ex almost every day (the pain of which is compounded by knowing he is happy with someone else and I am still alone) but he actually gave me an amazing gift. He gave me back the excitement of a first kiss with someone who has infinite potential and the thrill of hearing someone tell me he loves me for the first time; and the opportunity to find someone who means those words when he says them. He gave me the chance for true love and happiness. For that, I am thankful.
On being alone:
It's been exactly 4 weeks from the day I last saw and spoke to my ex. Since the day we met in February of 2009 (before we even started dating) this is by far the longest we have ever gone without contact. It is excruciating. But it has given me a fresh perspective too. When I look back on our relationship I don't see a lot of myself in it. I see a lot of what he wanted, a lot of his friends, and the life he planned, and I see a shell of who I am and what I am capable of just being along for the ride. I guess there is a reason that "hindsight is 20/20" is a popular saying. I finally see that he is not the person he thinks and claims to be, and that I was so enchanted by the words I missed what the actions were saying. So as hard as it it still is, I am FINALLY getting some clarity. For that, I am thankful.
I guess it's not that hard to find things in my life to be thankful for. And for that, I am truly thankful.
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